As you have hopefully noticed by now, we here at Battle of California like to do something special for gamedays between two California teams. Normally, the two writers for the opposing teams work together to come up with a fun or funny showdown between two rival things we can use to theme our gameday posts.
This time, however, our Ducks writer Jer is on vacation...so I got to pick the theme for the gameday posts AND write both sides!
Life sure is sweet sometimes.
5 Reasons 50 Shades of Grey is a better series than Twilight
#5 50 Shades is for grownups.
Twilight is a series for emotionally immature teen girls. If you're an adult and you read the Twilight books then you are an embarrassment. 50 Shades is infinitely grownup, and not just because of its sexual content. 50 Shades isn't a childish fairytale, unlike Twilight. It's an in-depth examination of complex, flawed, wonderfully intricate characters. Twilight is nothing but stupid trash for babies.
#4 50 Shades is realistic.
Nobody in 50 Shades has magic powers. Nobody drinks blood or turns into a wolf or can see the future or plays super-good baseball or anything dumb like that. All of that fantasy bullcrap is nothing more than a waste of time. In 50 Shades, people talk, argue, drink, and have sex. There are no silly fantasy wars. Nobody sparkles.
#3 Nobody sparkles.
Seriously, the sparkling vampire stuff from Twilight is so dumb. It's fine to make up your own rules when it comes to classic supernatural monsters, but if you're going to do that try to make sure you don't make up anything as laughably ridiculous as sparkling in the sunlight.
#2 50 Shades is a triumph of the new self-publishing model.
50 Shades started as a work of fan fiction and evolved into an eBook and print-on-demand phenomenon so popular that mainstream publishers fell all over themselves to get the rights to sell it. It's gone on to sell billions of copies and basically kept books from becoming completely obsolete.
#1 50 Shades has real sex.
Twilight is nothing more than some lady's weird Mormon sex-guilt played out in the lamest way imaginable. Nobody has sex for like 99 percent of the series and then when they do it's so painfully awful that it just embarrasses you all to hell. In 50 Shades, on the other hand, the characters have totally realistic, totally true-to-life sex. Nothing in the series strains believability at all or seems the slightest bit cartoonish or silly. The couple at the heart of the 50 Shades series is relatable because we get to see them acting out their love in the same perfect ways that we all do multiple times every single day.
It's a beautiful thing.
5 Reasons the Sharks are Better than the Ducks
#5 The Sharks are ahead of the Ducks in the Standings.
Sure they have the same amount of points, but the Sharks have gotten there in three fewer games.
#4 Advanced stats say the Sharks are gods and the Ducks are clods.
#3 Sharks are way better than Ducks, animal-wise.
Imagine if Discovery Channel tried to devote an entire week of programming to ducks eating bread and swimming around.
#2 Brent Burns.
Brent Burns is a gigantic beast man/toddler who loves Skylanders and Harry Potter and scores goals and grows hair all over his body and he's just the greatest.
#1 The Sharks are 50 Shades of Grey. The Ducks are Twilight.
The Sharks are a team with a history of struggle and pain led by Joe "cock-stroker" Thornton. The Ducks are a team of whiny babies, just like all their fans.
Prediction: Sharks win 6-2. Brent Burns scores five goals while playing completely naked.
Video Gamery: Earthworm Jim! Can you believe this wacky guy? He whips more butt than Christian Grey!