Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle sez that the more accurately you attempt to measure a subatomic particle's velocity, the less accurately you will be able to measure that particle's position, and vice versa.

Lindsey Lohan is a notorious trainwreck of an actress, whose position and velocity can be precisely measured, but she probably won't show up if you schedule a position/velocity measurement session. And this despite assurances from her and her publicist, and some frank warnings from you about not doing donkey rails of coke with Lady Gaga's choreographers all night if she doesn't want to burn through her last few chances to redeem herself with a simple goddamn measurement session.

I used to think the Sharks were behaving like subatomic particles. Write them off, they'll rattle off impressive winning streaks, take down the Red Wings like no biggie, and storm back to win from impossible deficits in playoff games in LA. But start to expect them to play well, they disappear like a coy Heisenberg particle, and you're sitting there in your lab coat looking at, I dunno, a shitty beige monitor with a bunch of figures on it screaming, "BUT I CAN SEE YOUR GODDAMN VELOCITY PERFECTLY WELL, YOU FUCKS!"

Lately, though, I'm beginning to fear they behave like Lindsey Lohan, where they know and you know that they've got to get their shit together right now or it's all over, and they all say the right things, and the first couple days of shooting go smoothly, but it's just a ticking time bomb before they steal your car and disappear for a week of indoor skiing at a La Quinta Inn in Seal Beach. And really, what the fuck did you expect when you got involved in a project with Lindsey Lohan?

Position: the highest rated comment

Recs were a little scarce this week, maybe because everyone was saving up to rec the fuck out of their loved one on Valentine's Day?

whine_country continues to impress with this amazing response to a bewildering series of Britney Spears gifs:

I think sleza gets a five-minute major and match penalty for Spearing here, slo.

Velocity: the best of the rest

This one made me laugh out loud, but none of you pig motherfuckers can appreciate the pearls Spade is tossing before you:

i dont understand europeans

Honorable mentions go to:

Noted misogynist and legal analyst Jar schools us on the Bob Murray barstool tossing incident:

Didn’t Bob’s court case already decide that, legally, this was pretty funny?

PGI from Lighthouse Hockey comments on Dan Ellis's masks weird homage to fisherman.

Take it from an expert

"Fisherman" is not a good look for anyone.

Lohan: the worst comment

Welcome to the BoC, Westside Paul, but first stop off in Arizona, your new home until you learn how to be more polite, or at least turn your stereotypes about NorCal/SoCal into something funny.

Thank You

To the writer of the main piece and all the commenters (Save Dan P.) for proving what I always knew growing up in San Francisco. That people from LaLaLand lack intelligence and wit. I’d make a clever comment, but no one here would understand it.

Save Dan P.! Enjoy the burritos!