Ireland holds a very special place in the hearts of Americans. Like most white people after JFK was shot, I'm extremely proud of my Irish heritage, even though it amounts to exaggerated anecdotes about long-dead relatives and bullshit excuses for functional alcoholism.
I took my dad to Ireland for his 60th birthday, and despite my explanation that the trip was to get back in touch with our Irish roots, every actual Irish person was politely confused about why we considered ourselves in any way Irish. "You're an American," one of them said after a couple of pints in Cork. This was hard to argue with. "America is a wonderful place," he added, to soften the blow.
I thought about this afterward, and had to agree with him. No matter how many bear flag shirts someone wears, if somebody's great-great grandparents moved away from California 130 years before, I wouldn't consider that person Californian, even if they carried on Californian traditions such as being happy and awesome.
To celebrate St. Patrick's Day, I've asked Fungi the Dingle Dolphin to be the guest judge this week. Fungi is a bottlenose dolphin who hangs out in Dingle Bay on Ireland's Atlantic coast.
The Pogues: the week's highest rated comment
JohnQPhats clik click acka click click:
The following is a transcript of Corey Perry’s phone hearing that I obtained through shady internet connections. The conversation is short but I believe that you will be able to confirm its legitimacy through the context. It is between Corey Perry and Brendan Shanahan
Brendan: Corey? This is Brendan Shanahan, [uhm] if you don’t mind I would like to get started.
Corey: [uhm] yeah, ok.
Brendan: Why don’t you just tell me your side of the [uh] incident. [Clears throat]
Corey: I actually didn’t even mean to hit him. For Christ’s sake, he’s not even a goalie!
Brendan: I understand, who do you play for again?
Corey: [long pause] The Ducks? [long pause] from Anaheim.
Brendan: Is that in the Western conference?
Corey: [long pause] [uhhhhh] yeah.
Brendan: Ok, well, here in the NHL we don’t really give a fuck about the western conference, especially one in a nontraditional market such as yours. So, I will be flipping a coin to see if you are suspended or not.
Corey: Flipping a coin?
Brendan: Yeah, I know, forgive me, Raffi Torres broke my magic 8 ball. I put that fucker away hard. [evil laughter] And here we go. [Sound of coin flipping and bouncing off desk.] Damn it, little fucker got away from me. Hang on. [phone crashing to desk] [grunting] [muffled curse words] [large thud] [several more muffled curse words] Hello? Perry? It was tails, but I forgot to assign what that means before I flipped the coin. I hit my head on the desk trying to get back up and I might have given myself a slight concussion, at any rate let’s just say that tails means suspended. So now you’re suspended. Now I will role a six sided dice to determine the length of your suspension.
Corey: Are you serious?
Brendan: Aaaaaaand [sound of dice rolling] four. You’re suspended four games. Sorry, but not really. Be sure to inform your gm or whatever about this. I don’t have his email address. Shit I don’t even know his name. Wild Wing? Is he your gm? Is it a he? Whatever, later fucker.
My Bloody Valentine: the best of the rest
JesseKnutsen acka ackackacka acka acka:
Donald wants you to bland it up.
And he wants you to write more about the Boston Celtics and Red Sox. Bill Simmons is the chipotle of nickelbacks.
Honorable mention ackackaACKAACKAacka click click:
The Stuntman click click ackcakcacka click click:
fuck all those schools! go ITT TECH Minorities!
U2: the worst comment
Flu shots are 100% pointless.
What did we learn this week?
Pension Plan Puppets flare ups are like herpes: incurable, but tolerable with proper medication and good management. (8 votes)
Horses should be in charge of all government. (4 votes)
click click ACKA click click (7 votes)
By the end of the season, Ducks fans will believe "germ" theory is a lie, thunder is Zeus's fury, sewers are unnecessary, and photographs capture your soul. (4 votes)
Like a drug trip, nobody gives a shit about how much you enjoyed your college experience. (6 votes)
29 total votes