Holy christ, we are fucked - Frederick Breedon
With the nation on the verge of catastrophe, only Alexandre Burrows can rescue us from ourselves
By the time you read this, it will be the beginning of the end. Our once glorious nation, reduced to something far lesser. Like a Mexico. We're already speaking nothing but Spanish, and violence is climbing dramatically. "Hola ese, tengo herpes de esto puta. Residuos de su hermano." This is not a world I want my unsupervised bastards running around in. At least not armed. And with Obama calling the shots, I won't be able to give them semi-automatics either. Damn you, Alec Martinez!
But there is one man that could save this if there's any time (there isn't). Mr. Creativity, Alexandre Burrows.
And that crazy shit nearly worked. Sure, it looked like he was having a seizure during his attempt, but no one has ever seen anything like it before. It was stupid as hell, and brand new, something that Congress only halfway completes. And it was at his team's expense. Why stop there? Make it at the entire country's expense! Who knows what crazy ideas Burrows could come up with? Hey, here's a few:
- Alexandre is the proper spelling.
- Cut education entirely out of the budget. He's gotten by fine without ever thinking.
- A new amendment stating, "I didn't whiff. It was a fake and it was intentional. Shut up."
- Stéphane Augur will be executed at dawn.
- Every Friday in June will have Patrice Bergeron hosting Burrows and friends to a tapas party.
- All legislation will be done by two other dweebs, but Burrows gets to put his name on it also if made into law.
- Taxes on people owning ferrets.
- Texas is removed from the Union in favor of British Columbia. I, for one, remain torn on this.
At the very least, Burrows can keep spinning until his velocity rips a hole in the Space-Time Continuum, and travels back in time. Except he won't because A) he's Canadian, and B) he's an asshole. Even if he does travel back in time he'd probably only go back to convince Tim Thomas to quit hockey and go into politics during the 2011 Finals, further fucking up the country, while the absolute worst thing possible likely happens: Vancouver is happy.
Prediction: China buys the United States and their first order of business is disbanding the NHL. They just have Kobe Bryant forever entertain them, sorta like the evil alien's plan for Michael Jordan in Space Jam.