FanPost

Week 6: El burrito de la victoria

This post is coming a day late because I am surrounded by insane people. They yell at me in non sequitors, gibberish, or nonsense. In the middle of trying to figure out what's going on, they run away either howling or laughing. I'm desperately trying to keep them from harming themselves. Every waking hour is spent sating their base needs, keeping them from killing themselves or each other, or getting paranoid about the sudden silence.

My two nieces are in town, doubling the number of small maniacs demanding things from me. While my dog is totally fine with the food accidentally dropping from the table, she's not as thrilled with three small kids surrounding her and chanting "PUPPY! PUPPY! PUPPY!" Her only defense is aggressively licking them in the face, which works only temporarily, but I might try next time I feel like someone is making me uncomfortable on the bus.

I compiled some data (look away, Ducks fans!) showing exactly how lame I am:

In almost every other "cool parent" story, this about where I change tone and write some glowing anecdotes about how it's all worth it because they're all such little angels or whatever. Or, worse, some idiotic "dad wisdom" bullshit. Fuck that.

Cheese Stick: the highest rated comment

smashmouthhockey comes up with the perfect name for a potential division involving the California teams, the Coyotes, and the 3 western teams from the Great White North:

The Cañada Division

That is all.

Chicken Fingers: the best of the rest

Man, so many good comments this week. Great job, everybody! Have a sticker, and I won't dilute your juice just this once (don't tell mom).

hockeytrain, a fan of the Nashville Predators, edges into our hearts with this refutation of On The Forecheck's strict no-fun commenting policy.

As a Nashville fan and frequent OTF commenter,

I kind of resent our PG-13 policy. It makes for boring commentary on (admittedly) boring hockey. I’m all for some good old-fashioned shit talking. And if I gave enough of a fuck about the Ducks to know anything about your style of play (or maybe just if I knew anything about hockey), I’d give you guys a biting, personal retort that would really cut to the bone. So imagine I did that.

Good luck!

Honorable mentions go to:

JJ for making Meg cry:

You're a bloomin' onion

bezzerker capitalizes on slotownsharksfans's intestinal troubles:

Gringo Sphincter

needs to be the album name or at least a song by Sheer Colon.

Time out: the worst comment(s)

I couldn't decide which one was burrito-worthy, because they're both so beautiful.

CaptainComet basically gets everything wrong about the BoC, Meg, and hockey:

Megladon… you’re a blooming idiot! Your take on some of the teams, and your love affair with the Hawks is ridiculous! Sure they have a nice record, but I’ll bet they don’t even make the Cup finals. In fact, they are a team built for the regular season but come playoff time, will wilt like the cheap rented tux they are. Jets, Blues and Wild will spank the Hawks every year, until they are the afterthought of the league. Bring on the realignment!

Magical thinking must be a lot of fun.

almu9851, stopped by to claim the second consecutive butt-hurt-by-BoC burrito by a Rush fan:

Awww

Sharks fans mad you lost? Always great kicking your asses, and yes we cant wait to leave the shitty pacific division EITHER. Do you even know what our travel schedule is like? Yeah, and good luck getting that cup for your organization fuckers. PEACE

Yeah, that travel must be terrible for the Stars. I did a little research, and dug up a letter almu9851 wrote to some orphans in Mumbai:

Do you even know how hungry I am right now?

Using a no-doubt statistically relevant sample of two trolling commenters, something about Rush fans makes them both lash out in music-dork rage, and then try to pretend like they're in control, hence the sign-off of "PEACE."

Off to Arizona now with you. Don't forget your burritos. Git.

This FanPost was posted by a fan, and it probably sucks and is dumb.

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