Los Angeles Kings Gameday: The Many Joys of Texas

Jesus fucking Christ - Brandon Wade

The exotic fare of Texas that you will be sure to hate

    Texas has many a fare that is loved in Texas, and Texas alone. The Dallas Stars, for example. Rush is another. Being an ignorant cock bag is pretty widespread, but only in Texas is not only a grand tradition, but also a genetic disorder. Here we take a look at some other things in Texas that they apparently go apeshit for.

    • Tony Romo (Dallas Cowboys, Quarterback): This guy is the ultimate fuck up. He hasn't won shit, and has single-handedly lost games where the Cowboys have done everything they can to make sure he doesn't blow it for them. And yet he got the single biggest contract the Cowboys have ever handed out, putting him in the same category as Drew Brees, Peyton Manning, and Tom Brady. You know. Guys that win. 2olawa8_medium

    • Electing idiots (i.e. Rick Perry): Holy Brazilian waxed ferrets, Rick Perry. To think this guy ran for president. Fortunately, he showed pretty early on that thinking was something he wasn't big on. He's also not big with evolution or gays, and in fact compared being gay to alcoholism. But he got an A+ from the NRA!
    • Teen pregnancies: When it comes to squirting out a kid while you're still in high school, Texas is a front runner. While their rate my have dropped a bit over the years, they still sit comfortably in third, but are in first with the most cases. Good thing they don't teach you shit about sex ed. in school.
    • Suicide: Wyoming actually has the highest rate. Texas is 41st. Shocking, I know, because when I was in Texas that was all I could think about.
    • Blowing through oil: Yeah, Texas is a big state with a lot of people. Of course they are going to go through a lot of oil. California will too. Except that Texas goes through nearly twice as much oil as California. And there's also this.
    • The Alamo: First off, the people that fought at the Alamo were essentially all from somewhere else other than Texas. In fact, only 13 people were actually born in Texas, and 11 of them were of Mexican descent. The Alamo is Texas' largest tourist spot, further showing that the best attraction Texas has to offer is a former mission where a bunch of guys, who mostly weren't from Texas originally, fought and died for Texas, and lost. You're welcome, Texas.
    • Texas Nationalism (Secession, fucking morons, etc): Texas tried being their own country once prior to the Civil War and nearly had everything fall apart. So they joined the United States. They left again during the Civil War with the rest of the south, and then debated ditching them also. Instead, the north won, and Texas came back with their economy floundering again. Yet for whatever reason they want try this one more time.
    • The Dallas Stars (dickheads, douche bags, and butt beads): Fuck these guys.


    Next Game

    Los Angeles Kings
    @ Dallas Stars

    Sunday, Mar 31, 2013, 3:00 PM PDT
    American Airlines Center

    Complete Coverage >

    Today, Los Angeles Kings tickets will be posted with everything else completely normally.



    The Kings went to the shootout last night against the Wild, and it was only L.A.'s third skills competition appearance. They lost, and Jonathan Quick lost his mind. So the Kings are on the road, in the second of a back to back, and playing Dallas. For whatever reason (it's certainly not because the Stars have talent) the Kings have dropped both games so far against Dallas. Jonathan Bernier would be my guess as to who starts, and I expect Dustin Penner back in the lineup. Why? I don't need reasons, I bet he just will.

    Prediction: Flat, slow, and sluggish on a Sunday. Just like me. 3-1 loss.

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