Over the past thirty years, rap has evolved drastically. Lately it has turned to complete garbage, but the early nineties had some tremendous names. It was the heyday with the likes of Snoop Dogg, Ice Cube, Tupac, and, of course, Vanilla Ice. While that MC Hammer guy had the easy road, Mr. Robert Matthew Van Winkle was clearly going to have to fight through adversity just like the Kings. What put him at such a disadvantage? First off, that nerdy ass name. He was raised in Texas also. Additionally, he was the only white guy in his group of friends. How could anyone survive such conditions? The tough life of a kid bouncing between Dallas and Miami with only motorbikes to pass the time. Truly unbearable. Yet he could dance (sorta) and rap (not really).
You could say he is a poet. At least he thinks he is. "Ice Ice Baby" was written when he was 16 about a drug run. Sooooo...poetry? Sure. He also had sex with Madonna, while Hammer was too busy trying to diss far more successful rappers. Again, pretty Ducks/Kings like. The Kings go out and have fun, while the Ducks are trying to justify themselves to everyone else. Hammer may have been first to hit number one, but Vanilla Ice did the same a little later. AND HE DID IT ON HIS OWN, while that freeloader Hammer mooched his way to success. And that rip off David Bowie/Queen? BULLSHIT. Ice explains here. Tsch.
Now? That Hammer guy is a broke-ass chump. Van Winkle...beats his wife and pistol whips homeless guys. But he also played Captain Hook in a local theater production! Okay, so let's say that's a wash, because frankly I don't think there's a way to defend spousal abuse if playing the bad guy from Peter Pan doesn't change your mind about someone being a dickhead. You know what? Just watch this.
Good god. I don't even think this was good back when I watched the Ninja Turtles as a kid. I mean, the song fit. Right? At least Ice thought that working on the Secret of the Ooze was one of the highlights of his career. Between that and ripping off other musicians, I could agree with him. Shit, this is going bad, fast.
Did I mention he is a Juggalo? Ah screw this, both these guys are failures.
The Kings scored early on the power play and the proceeded to suck balls for the rest of the game up until overtime. Luckily, they still got two points. Now they face MC Douche Bags, who are looking far from great also. Now while Jer may have you thinking the Ducks/Hammer are better, that association is over. Why? Go find me a black guy at a Ducks game. Hopefully the Kings beat the Ducks like Vanilla Ice beats his wife.
Prediction: I'm going to hell for that last quip.