Los Angeles Kings Gameday: San Jose is a Septic Tank of Assholes and Douchebags

Willie Mitchell, laying down the law - Ezra Shaw

San Jose is for goat fuckers

California is clearly the best state ever to exist because God made it that way, but as to what half is superior there is an never-ending war. The best way to sort this out of course is through sports. So without further ado, here's a poem (written by, and I shit you not, my mom who felt compelled to contribute for this) for the northern, Shark loving, bunch of semen gargling penis pumps:

Oh the north,

Eat a bucket of baby dicks,

Fat, old men's taints you lick.

Up your ass coat hangers you stick,

I was never a fan of Alexi Zhitnik.

I know that was a bit far reaching (and the last line really had no place in this), as the Sharks play in San Jose, but no one knows where the fuck that is. Happy Mother's Day, by the way. And who is Saint Jose? Why that's the Spanish version name of the step-dad of Jesus, who was clearly jealous of God impregnating his wife, Mary, who evidently needed a better man around anyways. Paul and Mark didn't even give Joseph the time of day in their books, further showing how useless of a "saint" this "man" really was. What a piece of shit, and what piece of shit place San Jose is. "Oh but we invented the internet!" Yeah, great claim, dick cheese. San Jose, you're home to the worst basement dwelling, self-fondling, sociopaths in the world. Congratulations!

But you may be thinking, "Now wait a second, Dunn. I have a lot of friends who are northern Californians."

No. Disown them. You're fucking wrong. There's no good people in northern California, and the people living in southern California from the northern half originally are only okay until they start talking about anything from their "hella cool" homes.

Johnny Cash made Folsom famous for singing about its prison. Palo Alto was written about by James Franco, describing how fucked up the populace is there, and while it may be called a pretentious and arrogant bit of writing, guess where Franco grew up! I watched "Coach Carter" so obviously Richmond is a terrible place also. There's Oakland, Stockton, Fresno, and Sacramento. Glorious cities each. Yet none compare to San Jose. For God's sake, look at who one of the biggest supporters are for their hockey team:

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Jesus H. Rodriguez. But it's great that a company wearing black-face that works in bail bonds to get rapists and murderers back on the street is such a staunch supporter.

And what the fuck is this?


Now hold on a second. There's obviously some weird shit at hand with this, but Brodie Brazil? Bullshit, that can't be a real name, can it? Yep, it is. Before you even have a choice on things, your parents make you into a pretentious, arrogant sounding shitball. Fortunately, he has to be pretty damn popular in Man Jose.

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Yes, this is a real thing. Good thing they have mixers like bike parties, where assholes obnoxiously cycle around town yelling "BIKE PARTY" wearing just their underwear at times, making you wish you drove a monster truck to put an end to this shit. Sadly, this is all I really have on San Jose, since they are so fucking obscure they are barely in the news.

But as for the San Jose Sharks...They are team rife with tradition.

Dan Boyle, Defense

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Antti Niemi, Goalie

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Patrick Marleau, Man-Child
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Tommy Wingels, Wiggles

Here we have Wiggles breaking the trend.

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Logan Couture, Rodent

Seen here, leading the breakout.

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Raffi Torres, Used Tampon

This motherfucker. He's the worst human being on earth. "Oh but he changed his ways". What the fuck is wrong with you? Shut up. He's the worst thing since Steve Miller.

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And lastly there is Megalodon, aka our tyrannical overlord. Well, our cat owning, murse toting, overlord.

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While it is safe to say he lives alone living off of expired canned crab, the saddest part of his existence is his undying belief that the Sharks are a respected organization, and that he is a respected authority on them. Ignore the fact that he's most read blogger here, that he is brought in to do pieces on Yahoo!, and also does main page posts and he has nothing. Just the Hall of Fame which is clearly biased to begin with.

So while some of you will undoubtedly make quips about the Kings' failures, we embrace them, and oh yeah

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The greatest day ever will be when Oakland collapses like the puffy hemorrhoid it is, swallowing up the entire northern half of California along with it.


Prediction: A tightly contested match, played to the highest degree of sportsmanship until Raffi Fuckface Torres touches the ice. The Jumbotron falls, killing him and no one else. The Kings score 27 times as the rest of the Sharks try and scoop what's left of Torres into a diaper.

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