San Jose Sharks Gameday: 30 things you can blame when your team loses

Blame the Thetans. - Harry How

It's never your team's fault.

The San Jose Sharks face elimination tonight against the Los Angeles Kings. I think the Sharks will win, but if they DO lose, it will most definitely not be their fault. There are many other elements in play that are all working against the Sharks. It's the same with all teams, actually. Every team is a victim of a world full of hostile forces. I've taken the liberty of collecting 30 of the most common of those forces into a handy list.

Here are 30 things you can blame when your team gets eliminated from the playoffs:

  1. The Officials. Clearly the referees hate your specific team and want them to fail badly enough to sacrifice their integrity and jeopardize their jobs by making biased penalty calls.
  2. Gary Bettman. Just a bastard who only ever wants his "pet" teams to win the Cup.
  3. Bad luck. Curse you, cruel winds of fate!
  4. Injuries. Why oh why was your team the only one afflicted by injuries in the playoffs?! It's so unfair!
  5. The coach. Fire the coach!
  6. The GM. Fire him too!
  7. Lack of leadership. Your team needs a new captain.
  8. Lack of heart. Tin Man syndrome.
  9. Lack of grit. You've got to be tough to win in the playoffs.
  10. Too much grit, not enough skill. See the 2013 Toronto Maple Leafs.
  11. The trap. Damn you to Hell, Jacques Lemaire!
  12. Diving. You lousy so-called Canadians!
  13. Dirty play. Slashing, elbowing, clutching and grabbing - your team's dishonorable opponent did it all!
  14. Steroids. Winners DO use drugs, but it's frowned upon.
  15. Media bias. Proven.
  16. Patrick Marleau. (Jeremy Roenick only).
  17. The Illuminati. They control almost everything.
  18. The Illuminat-eh. Conrad Black hates your team.
  19. Wi-Fi sensitivity. Argh my brain!
  20. Vengeful God. That asshole is always mad about something.
  21. Voodoo Curse. For instructions on how to attempt to break the curse, click here.
  22. The Elders of Zion. (St. Louis only).
  23. Sunspot activity. That thing is crazy right now.
  24. The watered-down modern NHL. The talent is just so diluted that there isn't enough for your team.
  25. Scapegoats. Put your sins onto [PLAYER].
  26. Spacegoats. Goats in space.
  27. Space Ghost. Coast to Coast.
  28. Vaccine-induced crappiness at hockey. Exactly as real as the autism thing.
  29. Inconsistent league discipline. If you get mad enough, you should write a letter.
  30. Obama. Thanks a lot.

Prediction: The Sharks don't need to blame anyone else just yet. They win 3-2 in overtime. Tommy Wingels scores a goal!

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