The Sharknado Analysis

Sharknado!

Because why not?

Life is full of unpleasantness. You work until you die, all while struggling to find any happiness, and then you are forgotten and lost to time. But there are a few nice things along the way that God has bestowed upon us. Tasty burgers, alcohol, me (ladies), and SyFy channel movies. Specifically, the shark ones. Sharktopus, Swamp Shark, Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, and the list goes on. However, Sharknado may have been the greatest social commentary regarding the new Pacific(?) division of the NHL and shark related disasters.

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This gif, seen above, elaborates on the struggle of man. One must face all their darkest fears and overcome them only to then experience rebirth from the womb of challenges conquered and vanquished. Blood that is shed is necessary in life, and ferocity is often required. Typically with chainsaws.

So why you may wonder why it's sunny out during a hurricane, or how a shark can eat metal and jump, that's not important. So ignore the CGI and stock footage from the 1990s, and reflect.

Here's a who's-who breakdown

The main guy

Naturally, the Kings relate quite easily to the hero of the film. They are confident, yet not arrogant, and are capable of just about anything. For example

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They just want order brought back, which includes them being awesome, and everyone else acknowledging that. The main guy (Fin, I think?) is a pro surfer or something, owns a bar/restaurant on a pier, and has ladies flock to him. Sounds like a winner to me. They never give up, win, and chainsaw through sharks.

Quote to live by: "Chainsaws. Nice."

Sharks

The Sharks are obviously the Sharks. They are a menace to society, specifically in southern California, and are universally despised.

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Try as they might in the movie, they are ultimately defeated, much like in crunch time with the Sharks we all have come to know. They do manage to take a few people down with them however, such as Bobby (or was it Chris?) in the movie and Jarret Stoll.

Quote to live by: "Rawr I'm a shark"

The waitress chick

This gal's name was "Nova". It was incredibly stupid, which fit perfectly, because she was a fucking idiot also. Turns out, she changed her name to Nova, and her original name was Genuine. You should all know by now, this female is the Ducks. Sorry, I know it was a softball setup, but hey.

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She tries to be helpful, isn't, and is then eaten by a shark in midair after falling out of a helicopter. She can't even steal the guy from 90210 back from Tara Reid, and get's stuck with his loser son instead. Who are subsequently both saved by the chainsaw wielding father of the year. So don't let the brief moments of badassery fool you. She sucks, the Ducks suck, but at least she was in a bikini. Thanks for nothing, Teemu.

Quote to live by: "They took my grandfather, and now I really HATE sharks"

That Australian guy

You knew this guy was going to die from the moment you saw him. He was foreign and the best friend. He was attacked once and owed his life to the main character. He was the comic foil. His beard also magically disappeared and reappeared between scenes. So the Vancouver Canucks are this dude.

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You may look at the Canucks and think, "I don't know, they may make it this time," but face it. They're toast. They always were. No matter the setup, the best friend/Canadian team never makes it. They are usually annoying, in the way, whiny, and frankly you are glad when they are gone. They typically also go out in astonishing fashion, and Sharknado doesn't disappoint with the Aussie getting a tornado thrown shark attached to his leg before being whipped off the hood of his stolen Hummer by a gust of wind, shark still attached.

Quote to live by: "It's that time of the month" ***Side note - This was a joke made right after a guy was devoured by a shark in front of his family, and then regarding how much blood was in the water. Yes. The guy made a period joke. He was awesome, unlike the Canucks. Fuck you Brad Richardson!***

Some old dude

I really just kind of felt bad for this guy. Not the character, but the actual actor. The guy seemed to be at the end of his career and wanted a paycheck fast. So he took the role of old, perverted drunk and was killed 30 minutes into the movie saving a dog. It would have been a pretty powerful scene if his last words weren't so damn ridiculous, or if he hadn't had ran towards the sharks instead of back to the car. Just one of those mistakes I guess. The Flames lock this spot down. They are a joke at this point, will die dishonorably (and hilariously), and will be quickly forgotten. The "drunk" aspect is covered by Jay Feaster, and the "perverted" part by T.J. Galiardi for his weird Calgary fetish.

Quote to die by: "Oh man! Ow!" (Seriously, that's what he yells as he is ripped apart by sharks)

The new husband/douche

I honestly can't remember this guy's name. Carl? Connor? Colin? It's not important. What is important is that he is bothersome and is quickly killed due to his own stupidity. The Oilers are stupid. The end.

Quote to live by: "What's all the ruckus?" ***Side note - I really, really want to have this quote be my ringtone. It is the whitest sounding delivery I have ever heard, and who the hell says "ruckus" anymore? It was the greatest introduction a character could have asked for before being killed less than two minutes later.***

Tara Reid

There is nothing redeeming about Tara Reid, and despite all odds, she isn't dead. Naturally, the Tara Reid of the Pacific is the Arizona Coyotes. In Sharknado, Tara Reid is whiny, obnoxious, and worst of all, alive through the movie. The Coyotes are quite possibly likely to be a playoff team for a while since all of western Canada is awful. It's a sad world we live in. For whatever reason, the powers that be keep Reid and the Coyotes around. Probably just as a reminder to everyone else how awful shit could be potentially if they aren't careful.

Seriously though, she does absolutely nothing during the entire movie. They can't even flaunt her around as hot anymore. Everyone would just be better served if she just moved to Seattle.

Quote to live by:

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Never change, Shane Doan.

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