FanPost

Preparing for the inevitable NHL drug scandal

Almost every major sport, and a few fringe ones, has experienced some steroid or PED scandal. The reactions of the various leagues and sports media tells you a lot about how romantic they all are. The NFL, the league with the soul of a Disney movie villain, basically did some cursory finger-wagging on top of piles of gold bullion, and continued to snort cocaine through $10,000,000,000 bills with Bud Light marketing reps, then blazed up obscene, practically unsmokable blunts rolled with the pages from concussion reports. On the other side of the coin, Bud Selig and the rest of the hand-wringing bedwetters who think "The Natural" is a great movie continue to lob grenades at America's Pastime by suspending a bunch of (asshole) players, denying other fantastic (asshole) players entry to the baseball Hall of Fame, and ignoring the sport's vast history of performance-enhancement and craven cheating.

Weirdly, the NHL--a sport which saw players balloon in size during the PED heyday of the '90s--has not had even one whiff of real scandal on this front. I remember expert analyst Jeremy Roenick talking on TV about how steroids weren't a problem in the NHL because "all the muscle would just slow you down." I immediately suspected that Roenick had juiced like 5 minutes before this interview, because that's the kind of response that lying liars say to you when they want to lie to you.

Anyway, since, e.g., Canada lurvs the romantic idea of hockey more than the actual brutal reality of the game as it stands in 2013, I suspect there is a ton of willful ignorance among the fans and media that's going to explode into ridiculous posturing a la baseball when the inevitable first big PED scandal hits hockey. It's important to "stay in front" of these sensational media events, as they say, so why not pick a response now and save yourself the hassle?

"I feel betrayed by strangers who I willingly finance, demand superior performance from, and pay way too much attention to!"

You're hurt. You're angry. You should start asking for extra water syringes at the Safeway pharmacy now so you can make some clever sign with props to really "diss" the offending players. They might run out when the story breaks!

You lavished them with love, and they lied to you by trying to be really good at what they do for a living so they can get paid more and have longer careers. The audacity!

You should also definitely make non-binding threats of a boycott on various social media platforms. That way everyone knows you're serious.

"What about the children?"

NHL players are heroes to their younger fans. And if they find out that fictional league superstar Olex Avechkin was on an expensive regime of steroids, oxygen uptake enhancers, and masking agents monitored by a team of trainers and sorta shady medical doctors, they're going to want to try it to. And what are you supposed to tell them? That it's ok? Hell no. Every pee-wee hockey player would have his own team of trainers and shady medical doctors doling out the scripts! So for the children's sake, we have to implement a no-tolerance drug testing policy.

"Nothing is real anymore."

Any and all achievement in the sport of hockey will now be viewed with suspicion. A timely goal was scored? Drugs. A young player used to be not that good and is now suddenly very good? Drugs. A player who was very good is now injured a lot? Drugs. A goalie has an absurdly long hot-streak in the playoffs, lifting the team on his back? Drugs. None of those things were possible before the advent of steroids. You're not going to be a sucker again, let me tell you. Removing any and all joy at being a sports fan is a small price to pay for finally pulling the veil from your eyes.

"The last 20 years never happened."

Scratch the players names from the Cup. If more than one player on a Cup winning team juiced, vacate the results. Demand that players return their Hart, Richard, and Lady Byng trophies. Get into an edit war on Wikipedia about player's stats. The only way forward is to completely obliterate the past.

Get mad a first, then less mad, then be sort of annoyed, then decide "fuck it", and cheer anyway

It's just that you really like seeing goals and saves and hits and nice passes, you know?

This FanPost was posted by a fan, and it probably sucks and is dumb.

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