Inspired by the SONA Index and the scientific expertise contained on the internet, I would like to propose a new analytical tool that will help us predict the future success of sports teams.
The science behind this algorithm is extremely complex and most of us, including me, have no idea how it works. Although this tool was most likely designed for other, more nefarious purposes, I believe it is perfectly suited to categorize sports things into successful and unsuccessful bins. These "bins" can then be compared to one another in order to gauge sports success.
The tool can take up to four names as inputs and the user has only to hit "analyze" to start the wizzle wozzle bing bang sciencey stuff. No scientific knowledge or expertise is required.
Since this is Battle of California, we will start by inputting the names of our three hockey franchises.
KINGS vs SHARKS vs DUCKS
As a Kings fan, ouch. Things do not look to be in the cards for another Kings Stanley Cup. It appears they will finish with the exact same record as the Ducks. The Sharks however, look to be in line for an excellent season. An elegant adventure even.
Let's delve into some individual matchups between the Californian teams players.
Mike Richards vs. Brent Burns vs. Dustin Penner
It won't be Mike Richards dragging the Kings down this season and we knew Brent Burns could expect some regression. But the truly surprising result is the complete implosion of Dustin Penner. It appears the "Playoff Penner" nickname will die a shabby small death sometime this season.
How about the goalies?
Jonathan Quick vs. Antti Niemi vs. Jonas Hiller
Wow, Jonas Hiller is set up to have an amazing season. And who the hell is going to be carrying the Sharks to an amazing finish what with Niemi crashing back to earth and Brent Burns doing the same?
One final analysis, for what good is a team without the bloggers that represent them?
Dunn vs. Meg vs. Jer vs. Spade
The most definitive result is Jer continuing his slide and being replaced by Spade. Dunn's cinderella season of Western Conference Championship appearances is over and Meg continues to lord his tiny advantage in ability over his employees. Until Spade takes over by force...