Kings Gameday: Slump Buster

What - Victor Decolongon

Bad Kings are bad

Hockey, like pretty much every sport, has plenty of of superstitions surrounding it. Maybe not as notoriously as baseball, where goofy rituals and superstitious behavior are part of the fabric and history of the game at this point. Most of them could might as well be classified as OCD. They are pretty publicized, and some are pretty disgusting. Moises Alou used to pee on his hands to toughen them up. When in a slump, players would find a less-than-desirable woman and bump uglies. Back at my last full-time horrendous job in minor league baseball, I saw this procedure commence from time to time (not the actual act, you sick fucks) at bars.

But what do hockey players do? I had my own superstitions as a goalie. I had to put my equipment on in a very particular order. Had to do the same stretching in an exact order before each game. I'd save my underwear in my closet and not wash them if I had gotten a shutout. My teammates had their own rituals. My buddy, Tom, would put all of his equipment on then go take a shit five minutes before a game. One of the older guys on the team would pee in a trashcan in the locker room before the game. A lot of the guys over the years tried getting high. We didn't really have anything for busting slumps though, usually because we were constantly in one.

What worked one game (and only one game) was for a few of the guys to put on their helmets and run full speed into a cinder-block wall. Our coaches weren't pleased with this behavior, but we did win (once). For a playoff game, which we preceded by losing six games in a row, numerous guys on the team decided to pee into the locker room trashcan. We lost 7-0. The piss filled trashcan was overturned of course, though it all landed on one of the guy's hockey bag.

Given the Kings' record of 2-6-1 in their last 9, I would suggest trying their own slump busters.

  • Dwight King could try not murdering anyone until he scores a goal.
  • Tyler Toffoli could be Jeff Carter's personal bitch until he scores.
  • I would suggest Mike Richards tries the baseball slump busting approach, but I have a sneaking suspicion he had already tried that. Probably not even for superstitious reasons.
  • Jake Muzzin could remember how to play hockey for a change.
  • Trevor Lewis could just give up and become a defenseman/retire/kill himself/trade hands with the Devil like in that episode of Futurama where Fry borrows Robot-Satan's hands so that he can play that flute hologram thing.




Jerk-Off 2014

Since the Canucks were already covered, with some very tight voting nonetheless, we look at a team that's already played against Los Angeles who we won't see again until next season. So today it's the New York Rangers. The Rangers' bunch of ass-wipes are all brought over from other teams, showing how New York has really failed to develop top-tier douches lately. Here's the candidates.

Derek Dorsett

Dorsett has routinely been at the top of the list for penalty minutes and is basically guaranteed to land in the penalty box each game he appears in. However, he's never been suspended. It's all about quantity here.

Arron Asham

Asham is barely even with the Rangers at this point, but he is one gigantic jerk. He's a penalty machine, and he also did that sleepy, knock-out thing after a fight. He also sucks, seeing as his ass got demoted to the AHL, and that's not how you spell "Aaron".

Daniel Carcillo

A second appearance for Mr. Salad, thanks to a trade from the Kings. Carcillo lost out to Dustin Brown, but maybe a second crack will earn him a spot.

Brad Richards

Eh, I just don't like the guy. Seems like a prick.

Prediction: Slump busted for...Tyler Toffoli. Scores twice. Kings win, 3-2. Jeff Carter mourns the loss of having a personal bitch.




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