Kings Gameday: She Blinded Me with Science

BILL BILL BILL BILL - This was on wikipedia, don't sue me Disney


Greetings everyone, I am your professor for the day. Dr. M. Night Get'r Dunn, pH balanced. There has been a lot of confusion regarding "ice" over the past year ever since the announcement came out that there would be an outdoor hockey game in southern California. Specifically, that ice would indeed melt under warm temperatures.

Now we have been over this already, but it bears repeating, the ice will not just melt entirely to where the rink winds up looking like a pool. Since there is a general perception that ice for the NHL is made by simply hoping water will freeze inside a huge arena and stay that way over the course of 41 home games, and in most cases basketball courts being placed on top of the ice, I feel like I should offer some clarification. For these arenas, do they open all the windows and hope it is cold out so the water freezes? Do they turn on their air conditioning really high to create a cold enough arena? Where do they get that cold air from anyways? It's not twenty below inside of the arenas, after all.

The answer is you are very, very, very, very, very stupid.

Yes indeed. Let's start with the very basic approach. Water can turn into ice when it get's cold. Everyone seems to grasp that much, which is great since some of you are idiots. Water freezes at 32 degrees (if you are an American), or at 0 degrees (if you suck). Now again it isn't that cold in NHL arenas. It's right around 55 degrees ('Merican) inside. So how does it work? How does the ice freeze? Why aren't we all watching water polo?

Well morons, stop flinging poop at each other and listen up. It's refrigeration. Yes, like your food-box you go to so that you can stuff your dumb face with fat and stupidity, the rinks are constructed much like this. "But how does my fridge work?" you may wonder as you disprove evolution and natural selection. "Is my freezer a transporting warp hole to Antarctica?"

No. Much like how your air conditioning doesn't pump in cold air by a series of fans from the arctic circle to your sweating asscrack, in reality we use science to keep stuff cold. This isn't the dark ages where we need to lug ice around. I could sit here and explain refrigeration to you, but there's a lot of big words like "evaporation", "coolant", and "heat". Instead, I'll just tell you that, like hockey rinks, fridges are kept cold by electricity and pipes filled with rapidly evaporating liquids that isn't just H2O (or water or wa-wa for those of you who should stick your head in an oven). Every rink has this setup underneath the ice. There's a system to where the rink can have the temperature altered so it's hotter or colder.

Yes, sometimes the rink needs to be warmer because IT GETS TOO COLD OUTSIDE. Then the ice chips and breaks easier. These outdoor games work because these systems are put together and are powered by a big machine in a big truck. It doesn't exist because it's cold out. For a game in a warmer environment they just turn up the power to keep the ice cool. To make sure the sun doesn't screw with the work done already they cover the ice. The game in Los Angeles will be at night. Or in terms you may understand, "dark time". I mean, for fuck's sake they had a game in Las Vegas in 1991 with shittier technology and it worked. They even used a black fucking tarp to cover the ice and it worked out. Do you understand this at all? Fuck, you probably got distracted by a squirrel. Tell you what, just sit here and play with this slinky and just watch T.V. The Dodger Stadium game will be fine, you mouth breathing clod.

Jerk-Off 2014

Today features a team that has never won the Cup despite trying very hard. But that doesn't get you anything. However, the St. Louis Blues are a lineup stocked full of really annoying assholes, all of which stand a great chance of winning this stupid contest. Again, I was hard pressed to choose just four and had to leave off Ryan Reaves, T.J. Oshie, Ken Hitchcock, and even Barret Jackman. He can't believe it either.


David Backes

The only St. Louis product on this list, Backes is a big aggressive douche. I caught some flak for leaving Ryan Callahan off of the Rangers list (which I will admit I made a mistake on), but Backes was a no-brainer. Much like his American counterparts in Callahan and Dustin Brown, Backes throws a lot of hits and can annoy the hell out of opposing fans with his jawing after the whistle (something Brown doesn't do but makes up for with falling over all the time). It will be great when Brown, Backes, and Callahan join up as a line in Sochi.

Derek Roy

Roy toiled away in relative obscurity in Buffalo for the most part of his career, for the benefit of everyone really, but has since moved west. Up until his stint in Dallas where I saw Roy a lot more, I just thought he was a finesse center. I quickly learned he was a total dick and cry baby whiner. Thinking he used to be "okay I guess, I don't know" still makes me feel sick.

Maxim Lapierre

Ol' Maxipad Lapierre is a noted cheap shot artist and pest. He spent a good while in Vancouver honing his dickish antics, though is out currently due to karma kicking him swiftly (and hopefully repeatedly) in the balls. I don't think anyone has ever like Lapierre. Maybe Montreal. Maybe.

Brenden Morrow

The long time Dallas Stars captain landed with the Blues this off-season, and though while old now, has left a historical trail of jerk-ass behavior in his wake. Along with Steve Ott and Mike Ribeiro, Morrow made the Dallas Stars into one of the most hated teams during his time there. They haven't been the same, though the Blues are pretty fucking annoying now.

Prediction: The rink melts before the game because someone turns up the thermostat and Jaden Schwartz drowns.

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