Kings Gameday: No More GOOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLLS

"Oh what's that over there? A goal? No? Figures" - Christian Petersen

Wha' happened?

Hi everyone, I'm still sick, so I'm going to keep this brief.

The Kings can't score.

Well, see ya later.




Dammit, fine. Yes it is clear the Kings are in a scoring slump. Through fever dreams and taking a shitload of cold medicine however, I have come up with a few ideas to turn things around for them. So, yeah, here.

  1. Move Mike Richards to the wing. Richards has been getting worked over at the pivot, and while he fits the role of two-way playmaker, try something different. It can't get work. Jeff Carter has proven to be decent defensively, try him. Or something. Pass the cough syrup.
  2. Put Tyler Toffoli in the top six. Why in the Christ would you play him with Colin Fraser and Jordan Nolan? That's a role for physical guy, not a shooter. I'd say put him with Kopitar so he gets some actual chances to score. Nyquil is a helluva drink.
  3. Use plastic sticks. You know, like cheap kid street hockey sticks. Those are lighter. The Kings are slow. Now they can go faster. Problem solved.
  4. Go back to the purple jerseys. I just like those better. And this cold medicine is purple also.
  5. Dunk more. More clutch hitting. Work on the short game.
  6. Holy glaucoma, Batman, this is good stuff. You know they call dextromethorphan "Poorman's PCP"? Whoo boy.
  7. Scuderi is number seven.
  8. I forget what eight was for.
  9. This is the number nine.
  10. Pray for goals.

Jerk-Off 2014

First off, congratulations to Meg for making it to the next round of the Jerk-Off. I'll have Torres up for a spot also. Secondly, today's team is the Penguins. We don't see the Penguins a whole lot, less so with that lockout last year, so it's sort of tough to choose jerks. The Penguins are a weird case since they have some higher profile guys that a lot of people don't like because they are pretty talented but also whiny. For example: Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin. Rudy broke down why Crosby is unlikable a while back, and Malkin is one of those petulant sneaky guys.

Sidney Crosby

Here's a good summary of why Crosby made this list as a candidate.

Evgeni Malkin


He also looks like if Anze Kopitar was less raccoonish and more Hayden Christensenish.

Chris Kunitz

Olympian Chris Kunitz. This guy. Jesus, Canada...

James Neal

I had a tough time debating whether or not to put Neal on this list. On one hand, he kneed a guy in the head. On the other hand, it was Brad Marchand. Soooooo, your call.

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior users will need to choose a permanent username, along with a new password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

I already have a Vox Media account!

Verify Vox Media account

Please login to your Vox Media account. This account will be linked to your previously existing Eater account.

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior MT authors will need to choose a new username and password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Battle of California

You must be a member of Battle of California to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Battle of California. You should read them.

Join Battle of California

You must be a member of Battle of California to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Battle of California. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9355_tracker