Kings Gameday: Xena, Warrior Princess

Xena with the legendary Yin and Yang car rim

This was easily the worst/best topic to research

My knowledge of Xena is limited to that Halloween episode of The Simpsons where Lucy Lawless goes to some comic book convention as her Xena character and gets captured by the Comic Book Guy. That whole segment was about seven minutes long, and you've probably already seen it. Well, hopefully you have, because I can't find the segment online that isn't in Spanish. What I am trying to say is I don't know much about Xena. Lucy Lawless was pretty good in Battlestar Galactica and was pretty funny in that one episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Does that count for anything? No? Shit.


Through my extensive research though I feel like I am capable to say Xena was pretty awesome. Way more awesome than that stupid Dr. Quill M.D., Doctor Lady show, at the very least. Xena was a warrior for fuck's sake. AND a princess. That's something kids can look up to. A medical professional? Lame lame laaaaaaame. Yeah right, tell little Susie that she can grow up to be doctor. That's really believable. Warrior princess? Still an outside shot. Quinney the Pooh was busy with "OoooOoooO, I help sick people." Shut up and watch Xena chop off some heads then rule over vast expanses of useless land and uneducated serfs. Did she do that? Let's just go with "sure".

Need more proof of her being an inspiration? Fine. The writing she has inspired in people has been incredible. Yes, I mean fan-fiction, though only the biggest losers write that shit. There's been countless amounts of it, a lot of which has more views than Battle of California could ever aspire to. Like this gem about Xena eating pot brownies:

"What's in these?" asked Xena holding up the brownie to the amazon chief.

[30 words later]

For a moment, she considered Gabrielle was having second thoughts. But instead she found her fingers being plunged into Gabrielle's cavern. Totally wet. Totally aroused.

-"Thank the Gods for Henbane"

By CN Winters, 2012

You can get the idea of how the rest of this goes. From what I could tell, about 90% of these stories posted involved some literary (and I am using that word pretty loosely) lesbian porn. There were also a couple involving rape, a few guys doing something called twincest (you can make a good guess what that entails), and a little bit of group necrophilia ass-play. I'm not posting it because I'm unable to copy-paste it and I really don't want to type this out. If you really want, go look it up yourself. I'll see you in therapy. Anyways, if the show was anything like how the fans imagined it, it's pretty clear why it was such a huge cult hit.

As it turns out, the show actually did involve some lesbian relationships (thankfully not the other stuff), which for the nineties was a pretty gutsy move. I suppose it isn't too surprising that Xena is still a pretty big hit with the LGBT community also. Dr. Quinn only went out and killed the western genre effectively until Deadwood. And all Jane Seymour did after being doctor lady-pants was go on to have her boobs fondled by Owen Wilson. Advantage: Owen Wilson Xena.

In the end, Xena and her show concluded in the coolest way possible; with her getting her fucking head cut off. But Xena was so popular they may still revive her. She's been decapitated for thirteen years and she still has a shot of returning. Dr. Quinn? Died of dysentery on the Oregon Trail probably. All her gravestone says is "Medicine. Woman. Boring show." Xena's headless body dances on her grave.

Oh yeah, um, hockey. Uh...Doctor Quinn, Medicine Woman is a stupid name for a show and the Ducks is a stupid name for a hockey team. Get on board on the Marian, Hockey King train mother fucker. Leave your fan fiction at home though.

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Jerk-Off 2014

Today is the Buffalo Sabres' turn! But they traded Steve Ott so everything has been ruined. Here is the contestant:

John Scott

Prediction: John Scott wins the voting.

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