Kings Gameday: Jerk-Off 2014 Update!

The result for "jerk" on SB Nation's search feature

Here's your winners and round two preview

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Today marks the last team that has yet to choose a jerk. Below is a list of the winners from each team. Of the 29 teams who already had their voting done, 6 of them don't feature a player. Brian Burke is the lone GM on this list, Mirtle and Meg represent the blogger (past and present) contingency, and Barack Obama won because he always wins elections. Nashville had the color yellow advance on their part because they are as bad as their pisstastic jerseys, and Carolina had no one advance because they are that unremarkable. In that vacancy, Jeremy Roenick was added due to popular demand. Another 2 teams have a player listed that aren't really on their roster. Martin St. Louis won for the Tampa Bay Lightning (despite being on the Rangers when voting occurred) and Chris Pronger won for the Philadelphia Flyers (despite being a comatose vegetable).

Now another complication came up specifically for today's team and the last team featured. The Florida Panthers acquired Dallas' jerk winner person, Dan Millionaire Ellis. The Panthers had one of the easiest shoe-ins for this with Tim Thomas, so Timmy Tea Party will be included on this (provided he crushes it in the voting which of course he will). Dan Ellis will also make it through because I am too lazy to really re-do this stuff. Also below is how the winners will be grouped for the next round since I know you are all dying to know.

Group 1 Group 2 Group 3 Group 4 Group 5 Group 6
Dustin Brown - LA Corey Perry - ANA Megalodon Q. Pennyfeathers -SJ Mike Smith - PHX Jeremy Roenick - NBC Kevin Bieksa - VAN
Ryan Smyth - EDM Matt Cooke - MIN Daniel Carcillo - NYR Chris Pronger - PHI Brad Marchand - BOS Todd Bertuzzi - DET
Semyon Varlamov - COL Patrick Kane - CHI Tim Thomas (probably) - FLR/DAL Sidney Crosby - PIT John Scott - BUF James Mirtle - TOR
Chris Neil - OTT Dan Ellis - DAL/FLR P.K. Subban - MTL Brian Burke - CLG Max Lapierre - STL Martin St.Louis - TB
Barack Obama - WSH Jack Johnson - CLB Matt Martin - NYI The Color Yellow - NSH Evander Kane - WNP Ryane Clowe - NJ
Wild Card Wild Card Wild Card Wild Card Wild Card Wild Card

The wild card rounds are up next. You'll get that Monday. Oh joy!

As mentioned, today features the Florida Panthers. Also as I previously mentioned, Tim Thomas was a front runner, and got traded. To Dallas who, again, coincidentally sent over their jerk. It was a pretty even trade when you look at it that way. Here's who you can vote for.

Tim Thomas

He took a year off to go and hate another jerk contender, Barack Obama. He has a mustache, looks like a disgruntled cop from Southland, and everyone kinda thinks he is a prick now. Cause the Tea Party is fucking insane. Also Florida and Texas both suck.

Ed Jovanovski

Old, senior asshole.

Krys Barch

Large, veteran asshole. Also, cannot spell a first name properly.

The fans

I debated about having Phoenix's fans (or lack thereof) up for this, but they had more than enough jerks on their roster. The Panthers are not so lucky. They use rats for despicable reasons, which Rudy went into pretty extensively, and now they decided to just not go to games because the Panthers fucking suck used horse dildos. Actually, they don't watch games at all, for that matter. The league should contract, relocate, or do something with the Florida Panthers, but they won't. They'll just sit there, hemorrhage money, and leech of the public. Sort of like the Marlins.

Prediction: Kings can't score and Roberto Luongo tweets sorta funny stuff about it afterwards.

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