The Biggest Jerk

Dustin waving to his fans - Jonathan Daniel

It was never even a contest

From the very first day this project kicked off, it was clear who was going to be a frontrunner. To win it all though, you have to tip your hat to Tomas Hertl for igniting the hate storm. Having his head down as he crossed the middle of the ice. Being completely oblivious to an incoming collision. For having weak knees. And now this man can claim the title of biggest jerk, in large part thanks to Hertl and San Jose. Congratulations guys, you did it. Here we have the biggest jerk.


No, not him.


Closer, but nope.


There we go. Say hello to Dustin Brown!

The guy with four game misconducts. The guy with one suspension for two games over the course of the past ten seasons. The same exact numbers as Joe Thornton over that time, oddly enough. But more importantly the guy that did this:

Of course, people say Brown has a reputation for knee to knee hits. Like his thigh to thigh massacre of Michal Rozsival. Or his swing-and-a-miss trip of Jaden Schwartz. There is also his inability to skate and his natural goofed up look that people equate to a degenerative mental condition. He hits a lot of people, so I can get that hatred, but so does David Backes and that clown couldn't even represent St. Louis and lost to Max Lapierre. Lapifuckingerre.

So I guess this whole thing was hijacked. Which is why Brown isn't the biggest jerk in the league! Nope, the winner is...


Yup, our winner is none other than Tomas Hertl. The kid has ended one career already, and is working on completely tarnishing a star's legacy. He tries to sound all foreign and adorable, but I'm pretty sure he speaks English fluently. And that his name is Thomas, too. It's all been a bit of a long con, but there you have it. He got Alexander Edler suspended and he nearly got Dustin, but fortunately the league knew to be on the lookout for his antics. Thomas then spent the next four months hanging around the pool being a lazy fuck, shagging grandmas. How do you feel now knowing that he gave Na-Na the clap? He's abandoned his country for the Olympics enjoying his February in Vegas with old grannie hookers, and then ditched his employers in San Jose until the playoffs, saying, "Those nerds don't give shit. Who cares?"

Oh, but now he is back. Back to try and ruin a loveable family man's career, nay, his life. It's common knowledge the Sharks employ a few thugs already like Raffi Torres, Mike Brown, and the aforementioned Joe Thornton, but they seemed already poised to hard match Hertl against Brown. It looks like they may have been slightly changing their minds regarding that, but I wouldn't be surprised. Clearly Hertl will be out for some despicable vengeance, as members of the Sharks organization have discussed openly plots of "revenge" despite the obvious frame up on poor Dustin. Hopefully the NHL puts a stop to this, and hopefully the Kings can overcome such terrible adversity, as they have done repeatedly all season with the departures of key players like Ben Scrivens, Colin Fraser, and Matt Frattin.

The point being, you Sharks fans ruin everything. This is why we can't have nice things.

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