I, for one, am horribly confused at this rate. I’m in a daze. I’m lost. No really, I’m lost. I wandered around pondering existence and somehow ended up on Battle of California. I'm well aware that it has only been two games, but can you blame these feelings that I’m having? Last year the Sharks manhandled the Canucks in four games, and although that was fun and hilarious, the Canucks were a stupid, shitty team (and continue to be a stupid, shitty team). It didn’t really prove anything about the Sharks; it just more so proved how dysfunctional and terrible the Canucks are as an organization. While that is a treat all in itself, the Sharks still didn’t make it past the second round, and it was a long dumb summer of anger, annoyance and thoughts of what could have been.
Going into the playoffs this year, the Kings were viewed the supreme leader of the most totally oppressive regime the National Hockey League had ever witnessed. Their style of hockey is based on tyranny, hatred of other hockey teams, brutal and lethal force, and, above all else, instilling constant fear in other hockey teams, especially the San Jose Sharks. The Los Angeles Kings were so powerful that they were able to mask their identity as an actual legitimate hockey team for decades. The Los Angeles Kings contacted King Gary Bettman a couple years back, and stated, "I promise, Your Majesty, if I am awarded a cup, I will restore creditability to the National Hockey League. I will put an end to the corruption that has plagued the league." King Bettman then gifted the Los Angeles Kings a Stanley Cup by sending them through easy battles against the Canucks, Blues, Coyotes, and lastly the Devils.
Once the Los Angeles Kings became Emperor of the National Hockey League, they abandoned what they had so promised to King Bettman, and the National Hockey League was abolished for months in the 2012-2013 season. The league was reestablished in early 2013, and it was to be different. "A league that was clean, pure and direct," the Kings suggested, "none of the messy scramble for the favor of offensive presence and goals," which describes the league that once was, and the league that the Los Angeles Kings so despised. "The league would consist of high defensive style play, and casually dumping the puck into the offensive zone every once in a while," stated Emperor LA. The terms were agreed upon and a new league was formed. King Bettman could not gift the Emperor another Stanley Cup, due to his close relationship with Darth Blackhawks. This made the Emperor and the followers of the Emperor very fucking angry, to say the least.
This season, the Emperor came out of the gate as powerful and as angry as they had ever been. They had their best start ever, and managed to achieve a 100-point season. While their neighbors of the South, the Darth Anaheim Ducks, had been viewed as the villain all along, Emperor LA is the ultimate personification of evil in the National Hockey League. When the Emperor was matched up against the San Jose Sharks in the Western Conference Quarterfinals this year, Sharks fans tucked their dicks between their legs (if you’re a lady, put on at least four padded bras) and clenched their assholes expecting the worst to come. The Emperor had become too strong at this point, and the already troubling reputation of the Sharks was even more at risk.
The Emperor LA had travelled to San Jose to oversee the building of the Death Star, which was to take the place of the SAP Center (yeah, that arena name still sucks) and to set a trap for the San Jose Rebels. They had planned to turn San Jose to the dark side; they sent their statistician nerds from throughout the internet to put fear into the fans of the rebels; this caused even more clenched assholes. These Rebel Sharks refused to turn though; their ability to stand up to the Emperor caused the Emperor to play really fucking terrible hockey, and as the hockey got worse, the Rebel Sharks got stronger. The Force is strong within this Northern California Hockey Club. The Kings may cut off hands, knee our men, force choke them, attack them with force lightning, and spear them, but this will only make the Rebels stronger. The Emperor shall be thrown into the Reactor Shaft, and the Sharks will prevail. One can assume that when the Emperor is defeated, the Rebel Sharks will party with some ewoks.
Thanks for reading! Go Sharks!
(Editor's note: This picture isn't quite right for this article, but Stace didn't include any images and Earl gets depressed if we don't mention his Star Wars stuff every once in a while, so here you go.)