Battle of California - All PostsThe best sport in the best state.https://cdn.vox-cdn.com/community_logos/47233/battle-fave.png2019-01-30T12:42:23-08:00http://www.battleofcali.com/rss/current/2019-01-30T12:42:23-08:002019-01-30T12:42:23-08:00Saying goodbye
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<img alt="2014 NHL Stanley Cup Final - Game Five" src="https://cdn.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/9YwBvOSOl_KKc6Bjl9k2QCUxuAU=/0x0:4920x3280/1310x873/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/62969073/450586284.jpg.0.jpg" />
<figcaption>a lifetime ago | Photo by Harry How/Getty Images</figcaption>
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<p>Because they’re dead and you’re never seeing them again</p> <p id="Ga2Iaz">After the 2014 NHL season, which featured the single most exhausting playoff experience I could have imagined, I openly wondered if this was the end of the <a href="https://www.jewelsfromthecrown.com/">Kings</a>’ epic journey. Personally, it sort of felt like hockey was over. Fade to black. Roll the credits. Leave the theater. That was the ending any hockey fan could have wanted for their team. There was nothing left after that.</p>
<p id="vcpvAY">The Kings apparently felt the same way. Since the three years where they steamrolled everyone (except Chicago one time), the Kings have won one playoff game. They only made the playoffs two out of the last four years. I highly doubt they make the playoffs this year, and at this point that belief is still a generous opinion given the current state of the team. There is also the long-view that the Kings are probably going to be struggling for a few more years.</p>
<p id="HnN5vF"><span>Tanner Pearson</span> got traded weeks ago to the <a href="https://www.pensburgh.com/">Pittsburgh Penguins</a>. <span>Jake Muzzin</span> was shipped to the <a href="https://www.pensionplanpuppets.com/">Toronto Maple Leafs</a>. <span>Alec Martinez</span> (<a href="https://www.lighthousehockey.com/">Islanders</a>?), <span>Tyler Toffoli</span> (<a href="https://www.japersrink.com/">Capitals</a>?), <span>Jeff Carter</span> (<a href="https://www.ontheforecheck.com/">Predators</a>?), and even <span>Dustin Brown</span> (<a href="https://www.stanleycupofchowder.com/">Bruins</a>?) and <span>Jonathan Quick</span> (<a href="https://www.jacketscannon.com/">Blue Jackets</a>?) are likely on the block.</p>
<p id="ywyfz2">How the hell has it come to this?</p>
<p id="5acD08">The 2011 through 2014 seasons had the Kings making some larger than average sized moves. Dustin Penner, <span>Carter</span>, Robyn Regehr, and <span>Marian Gaborik</span> all got brought in at the expense of early round draft picks. Given that the Kings were in the midst of being contenders (or at least realizing they were contenders at the last minute) these moves made a lot of sense. We can argue the merits of these players and what they brought for hours, but they all helped the franchise win two Stanley Cups.</p>
<p id="EWuDsN">The 2015 through current season have been a disaster. Slava Voynov got arrested and deported. While it’s easy to blame Voynov for the franchise’s downfall, it’s ignoring the mismanagement of assets under Dean Lombardi. If you are wondering about that, think about what young players have turned in a sizable impact for the Kings in that time frame. You got <span>Adrian Kempe</span>, who is more a complimentary piece who’s role should be more limited to former legend Dwight King’s role, and <span>Derek Forbort</span> who is a Willie Mitchell/Regehr/Rob Scuderi replacement. Nick Shore is in Russia.</p>
<p id="fgYKmP">I’ve covered that, as has anyone who has even taken a cursory glance at the Kings.</p>
<p id="h5mRo7">So it’s the end of an era.</p>
<p id="EGSESj">Willie Desjardins, shockingly, wasn’t the answer. Perhaps having hired him and giving him a shot to implement a system in a team before they all quit in the pre-season would have been a better option. <em>C’est la vie</em>.</p>
<p id="IwLGeK">This bunch of players, while maddening at times, did have incredible success. The dismantling took place initially long before this season. There’s been no plan to reconstruct up until right now however. The reinvention idea is clearly just SPEED SPEED SPEED. We’ll see how this goes. Personally, I think a more concrete plan would be preferable. The SPEED only plan seems like another take on Lombardi’s fascination with size above all else taking priority.</p>
<p id="rDNe89">Five years of collapse, and now the rebuild. It’s not easy nor fun. This is far worse than the rebuilding of 2006 through 2010. These are the guys that were brought up in Los Angeles and won. Some doing so twice. </p>
<p id="pomOfP">Worst of all, this was avoidable. The aforementioned mismanagement by Lombardi and (less so) by <span>Rob Blake</span> has tanked this team in the most unsightly fashion imaginable. Having a sucky hockey team to watch in 2008 was expected when your top line consisted of <span>Kyle Calder</span> and Michal Handzus. This was currently a bunch who’s core group of stars were still intact. However the foundation was gone and there was no support now either. It was a shoddy structure with stickers slapped over dents, and also being used as tape.</p>
<p id="Xcuynu">It’s easy to say we as fans deserve better. Maybe. It’s easier to just not watch because no one should be subjected to watching this train wreck.</p>
<p id="iC3Aol">The players probably do deserve better. Mike Richards at least did. Getting traded to a team with a fighting chance is probably preferable at this point as well. Yeah, they clearly are phoning it in each night also, but unlike us they have to show up and get pasted. Not having coaching structure or half a functioning roster is not something I am going to blame <span>Anze Kopitar</span> for. Despite the cap hit. You’re a general manager! You’re supposed to make this shit work! You’re supposed to have a plan!</p>
<p id="f4CeN0">We can still be <em>annoyed </em>with the athletes though. Again, they clearly stopped giving a fuck. But (also) again, what’s the system? Where’s the depth? Are we really supposed to buy <span>Dion Phaneuf</span> is a reliable option for...anything?</p>
<p id="076ZF9">This isn’t something to be remedied in a draft, or by trading for <span>Carl Hagelin</span>, or by signing fleet footed college free agents. This is going to be a long process. And we aren’t going to have the Cup winning bunch here. </p>
<p id="cLXJsx">Say good bye. </p>
<p id="OJGfnH">Watch the credits.</p>
<p id="zqPRH4">Fade to black.</p>
<p id="ZLXpuz">The sequels are never as good. Wait for something new and hope it’s halfway decent. Currently, it may still be in the pre-production stages so buy some Rams gear and get ready for Dodger season. And maybe the Lakers will land Anthony Davis.</p>
https://www.battleofcali.com/2019/1/30/18175604/saying-goodbye-los-angeles-kings-alec-martinez-jeff-carter-jake-muzzin-jonathan-quick-tyler-toffoliGet'rDunn2018-10-25T12:44:06-07:002018-10-25T12:44:06-07:00It’s been the missing ingredient all along!
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<img alt="" src="https://cdn.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/N0snN7OjSZ7uFazcupkR1a86o5g=/0x53:640x480/1310x873/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/61910137/prof.0.jpg" />
<figcaption>Kiss my shiny metal ass | Futurama</figcaption>
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<p>Who could have guessed?</p> <p id="sxRA3i">Since the 2015 season, every post I have written that remotely takes seriously what the <a href="https://www.jewelsfromthecrown.com/">Kings</a> need to focus on has had the same damn topic: Center depth. I am not kidding. Literally every post suggests the Kings address their third line center situation.</p>
<p id="GDjQ1a">The 2012 Kings had Kopitar, Richards (then good), Stoll, and Colin Fraser down the middle which was a great 1-2-3 combo. Fraser was a fourth line guy entirely, but a defensively responsible pain in the ass to play against, which was perfect for the Kings’ system.</p>
<p id="BXPArh">2014 had the Kings go with Kopitar, Carter, Stoll, and Richards (then less good) down the middle. It was by far the best string of centers the Kings had put together. Admittedly, they had Carter in 2012 too, but he was only implemented as a winger, which the Kings had less of at the time.</p>
<p id="Kgg6NI">2015 brought in the decline and complacency of Stoll and Richards (not to mention drug use), of which the Kings had limited internal options for replacing. <span>Nick Shore</span>, <span>Nic Dowd</span>, <span>Jordan Weal</span>, <span>Andy Andreoff</span>, and subsequently Vincent Lecavalier were all tried, and none really advanced beyond fourth line option. Well, Lecavalier got third line minutes despite it being a disaster. Weal never really got much of a look because he was dealt for Lecavalier and <span>Luke Schenn</span> (which was in regards to another persistent, yet less concerning roster issue).</p>
<p id="B9gLP0"><span>Dowd</span> got the boot in favor of Torey Mitchell (yuck and awful), and <span>Shore</span> was dealt for <span>Nate Thompson</span> (a worse Colin Fraser) plus <span>Dion Phaneuf</span> (again, regarding that secondary issue that was less pressing). <span>Jussi Jokinen</span>, who was essentially El Cid (dead edition) also got a few looks before management could no longer stomach it. <span>Adrian Kempe</span>, who has been bad and shown no improvement at the pivot, has been the de facto third line center.</p>
<p id="JEqVaN">This has been all to replace JARETT FUCKING STOLL.</p>
<p id="3j9uFs">Stoll was a second line center for the Kings back in the 2009-2011 days of playoff maybes, but got bumped to the third line which was more of a natural fit. He checked hard, led the unit, and could shoot like no other when he had the time and space. <span>Kempe</span> only takes penalties, is barely old enough to drink, and no longer scorers besides on breakaways. All situations that could be remedied if he was used as a complimentary winger.</p>
<p id="mYLVcu">But I digress.</p>
<p id="R1wQ1j">No one has been able to take on Stoll’s job. Richards was given opportunities to be that long term 3C guy but spiraled out of control before Lombardi planted enough Oxy on him that Billy Mays was probably dead in the trunk of his car as well. No one has earned the trust to be the third line guy, and every outside option was 1000 years old and broken.</p>
<p id="dotuVP">Except for <span>Kempe</span>, who has been atrocious the last year. For whatever reason, Stevens still has the blinders on with him there.</p>
<p id="1hHEUn">It remains <em>the</em> signature issue the Kings have had since their Cup days. The Voynov fisaco may have resulted in a wash of a season in 2015 where the defense was never able to recover, but in time <span>Derek Forbort</span>, <span>Paul LaDue</span>, <span><s>Colin Miller</s></span>, and now <span>Sean Walker</span> have offset that loss (just in time for <span>Phaneuf</span> to be totally unnecessary). Nothing has been done about the center spot still.</p>
<p id="8iNf6d">Wingers were always a luxury with the Kings, of which they had sometimes dire little of. It was offset by strength down the middle which was the Kings identity, even before Richards (though Michal Handzus was less inspiring). Lately, natural wingers got stuffed into the center spot, wasting their talent (Kempe), or it was too large a role for them (Shore), or they just fucking sucked because they were riding dinosaurs with Jesus and their bodies were ravaged by the eons of time (Lecavalier). The third line has been a black hole for years. Nothing has helped, and it has drained the Kings in every season. </p>
<p id="i5EgP8">The NHL has been a league where depth has been in higher and higher demand, largely following the 2013 season. The Kings capitalized on that once. But due to injuries, criminal behavior, and salary cap constraints they have let that slide entirely by the wayside. Even this past off-season had the Kings scrambling for another scoring winger (Pacioretty, Kovalcuk) instead of being aware that their center depth remained a total mess.</p>
<p id="5OFcjh">Could a third line of Pearson or Kempe or Kovalchuk or Lewis on the wings work? Absolutely. Just not with <span>Adrian Kempe</span> running the show at the center spot because he’s a mess (and he would totally work better on a line as a winger which is the position he learned to play in the first place). </p>
<p id="P9fQKa">Enter Michael Amadio. </p>
<p id="6L6DG8">He’s the closest kid ready who <em>actually</em> plays center. <span>Jaret Anderson-Dolan</span> is still a ways out, and who the hell knows about Gabe Vilardi. Amadio has show he can make some slick passes, and is defensively responsible. He can also find open seams to sneak into for offensive chances. The Kings (if they move Kempe to wing) would have enough winger depth that he would have quality linemates.</p>
<p id="Rx8c3a">But instead the Kings will probably trade <span>Alec Martinez</span> for <span>Justin Abdelkader</span> and keep using Kempe as a center. </p>
<p id="GgDObg">Fuck you good night.</p>
https://www.battleofcali.com/2018/10/25/18024058/its-been-the-missing-ingredient-all-along-los-angeles-kings-centers-you-god-damn-idiotsGet'rDunn2018-10-22T13:19:05-07:002018-10-22T13:19:05-07:00Dead on arrival
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<img alt="NHL: Buffalo Sabres at Los Angeles Kings" src="https://cdn.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/h4ql2Ok2U4dNU6Gm8mimMDxsJFY=/0x94:2914x2037/1310x873/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/61867293/usa_today_11482219.0.jpg" />
<figcaption>please save us | Gary A. Vasquez-USA TODAY Sports</figcaption>
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<p>kill me now too please</p> <p id="elD9Jq">At this point in time, it has been safe to say the <a href="https://www.jewelsfromthecrown.com/">Kings</a> are bad. Not like bottom tier of the league bad. Worse than that. Like this team shouldn’t be playing against NHL teams. <span>Jack Campbell</span> stood on his head for the two wins on the season, which came against sub-par teams that still, frankly, outplayed the Kings entirely and deserved wins. Every other game has been nightmarish loses, and the ones that haven’t ended in blowouts deserve to be examined by the Pope to see if they qualify as miracles.</p>
<p id="lJ3LIa">It’s beyond <span>John Stevens</span> who at this point has no idea what the fuck to do. The roster is locked in, but on paper shouldn’t be anywhere close to this bad. There is no help arriving besides <span>Dustin Brown</span>. The Kings are dead.</p>
<p id="XGgs8Z">Unless of course <span>Dustin Brown</span> provides a huge boost to the team’s depth and “intangibles” upon his return. <span>Brown</span> <em>was</em> the captain at one point. He and <span>Anze Kopitar</span> did drag this corpse of a team into the playoffs last year.</p>
<p id="T78OoW">But it’s hard to imagine things changing just with one guy returning.</p>
<p id="jXnFC2">As one insider has analyzed things:</p>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I disagree with anyone who would pin this start to the season on Dustin Brown's absence. There are visible roots here that go beyond any singular shortcoming such as coaching or injuries, and into broader, more abstract issues like identity and culture.</p>— Jon Rosen (@lakingsinsider) <a href="https://twitter.com/lakingsinsider/status/1053762958935785472?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 20, 2018</a>
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<p id="szJtVi">Great. So the Kings are having an existential crisis. I mean, I have those regularly but that’s because I just turned 30.</p>
<p id="9YahnR">Maybe the Kings just stopped giving a shit? I did after the 2014 Cup win. How do you top that? Win again? Sure, maybe. But would it be as exciting? Nope! Maybe that’s what’s going on. What would happen if like half of your roster just retired all at once?</p>
<p id="fd5UCw">In the meantime, Stevens has tried to “motivate” the team by saying they suck. I don’t think it worked, and if anything the team likely agreed with him. <span>Tanner Pearson</span> has looked the worst I have ever seen him. The defense is flat. <span>Adrian Kempe</span> remains a goddamn bonehead who takes goddamn bonehead penalties. And the leaders have checked out according to actual people around the team that cover them regularly.</p>
<p id="uizK8X">Don’t get distracted from Stevens having been out-coached entirely the last...several months. But it is bigger than just him. Since 2014, the Kings lost <span>Justin Williams</span>, Jarett Stoll, Mike Richards, Dwight King, <span>Marian Gaborik</span>, Willie Mitchell, Matt Greene, Slava Voynov, and (hell) Robyn Regehr. King and Regehr might be the most replaceable names of these, and even still they were large parts of the vague idea called “identity”. Also they were great for MS Paint projects.</p>
<p id="AiXLTc">The entire third line from that year is long gone. The second pairing on defense ceased to exist the following season. Richards, Stoll, and Greene were part of the captaincy of the Kings during their tenures. Mitchell and Williams you could certainly include as part of the leadership of the Kings as well. Voynov, purely from a talent perspective, was integral.</p>
<p id="EvekHL">Were Richards and Stoll replaceable in the sense of acquiring bottom six centers? Sure. But they were team guys. Then the management of Dean Lombardi didn’t get bottom six centers they could trust anyway. Their roles, in terms of the depth chart and locker room chemistry, has been a void. Mitchell and Greene have never been replaced in either sense, too.</p>
<p id="uEQLQi">Instead we got <span>Dion Phaneuf</span>, who has been ran out of Calgary and Toronto and even Ottawa.</p>
<p id="rKZ369">The Kings have been a team who have gotten down on themselves before. The 2014 first round series with the <a href="https://www.fearthefin.com/">Sharks</a> was a rout to start, and then the Kings pulled some history. But that was with a more talented roster with the aforementioned “character”.</p>
<p id="57Kcq4"><span>Alex Iafallo</span> and <span>Sheldon Rempal</span> are not names that are going to save this team. They’re the replacements for Dwight King (and the rate it’s going, the replacement for <span>Tanner Pearson</span>). <span>Derek Forbort</span> is more of an uninspiring Rob Scuderi. <span>Jeff Carter</span> is looking more like the <span>Jeff Carter</span> in Columbus that the Kings traded for than the <span>Jeff Carter</span> the Kings got. <span>Paul LaDue</span>, <span>Oscar Fantenberg</span>, and <span>Sean Walker</span> are the next candidates to attempt to replace Voynov’s minutes.</p>
<p id="E8XEdB">Character and leadership and culture are buzzword terms for something we can’t slap a stat on and quantify, but it’s certainly clear that the Kings miss those veterans who lit fires for the team. It doesn’t help that the Kings did a sloppy job replacing them in <em>any </em>sense also. </p>
<p id="LqLK8O">The wing depth has been addressed slightly with <span>Iafallo</span>, <span>Rempal</span>, and Ilya Kovalchuk acquired at only contractual expense. The depth down the middle isn’t there at all however, and <span>Kempe</span> is not any sort of answer. The defense remains to have a gaping black hole in it, with the best shot the Kings had at filing it now with Vegas following the Lucic trade that sent me to a sanitarium (IT WAS COLIN MILLER WHY DID WE TRADE COLIN MILLER FUCK). </p>
<p id="9tU7Uj">And the team is quitting. And there is no system. You can’t throw the team into a full rebuild also given the contracts. The pipeline has only produced <span>Kempe</span>, <span>Forbort</span>, and <span>Nick Shore</span> (now in Russia) during the Dean Lombardi latter years. Other draft picks got spent on that Lucic deal, and stints of <span>Kris Versteeg</span>/Ondrej Sekera/Vincent Lecavalier/<span>Luke Schenn</span>/Jarome Iginla/<span>Ben Bishop</span>. </p>
<p id="5JOTxA">Are the Kings a mid-six center and decent defenseman away from being a contender again? Probably not because of the structural issues and whatever mortal malaise they are mired in. But they have been the same sore spots the team hasn’t come close to fixing since 2015. Something has to be done, and if it’s big that’s hardly the worse thing.</p>
https://www.battleofcali.com/2018/10/22/18010424/dead-on-arrival-los-angeles-kings-sure-suck-assGet'rDunn2018-10-18T12:00:53-07:002018-10-18T12:00:53-07:00The System is Down
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<img alt="NHL: Los Angeles Kings at Winnipeg Jets" src="https://cdn.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/rs_uwcY1b0_srwQ8FDKynr_VIqg=/0x0:2434x1623/1310x873/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/61824749/usa_today_10723188.0.jpg" />
<figcaption>hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm | James Carey Lauder-USA TODAY Sports</figcaption>
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<p>Yes this is a Strong Bad email reference</p> <div id="MtbAlB">
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">So the Kings should fire John Stevens, right? Everyone secretly thinks this? It’s not just me</p>— HCol Rudy Kelly (@rudykelly) <a href="https://twitter.com/rudykelly/status/979090514635931648?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 28, 2018</a>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Bro we need to fire John Stevens</p>— J-Roc (@jacob_vivirito) <a href="https://twitter.com/jacob_vivirito/status/1049848467969826817?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 10, 2018</a>
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<div id="VkMfjL">
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">We’re seeing a lot of calls to fire John Stevens already. Without casting any judgement on that opinion ... who do you replace him with, if he goes mid-season?</p>— Jewels from the Crown (@JFTC_Kings) <a href="https://twitter.com/JFTC_Kings/status/1051217260923285504?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 13, 2018</a>
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<p id="FAzOqS">Since he first got named head coach, <span>John Stevens</span> seemed, to me at least, that he would have a very short leash on which to operate. He was a holdover of past management, a guy everyone knew, and a guy who knew everyone. Stevens had coached the <a href="https://www.jewelsfromthecrown.com/">Kings</a> prior back in 2011 when Terry Murray got canned. This second stint initially felt oddly familiar to his interim head coaching gig. Probably because he was taking over for another recently fired head coach, this time being Darryl Sutter.</p>
<p id="7R2DJM">The decision felt like a stopgap, with maybe an upside being that Stevens had matured as a coach and developed a quality system.</p>
<p id="jlB3UQ">It was a big maybe.</p>
<p id="Gk7FB8">To start his first full season as REAL head coach and not just interim, the Kings came out with the guns blazing. The plodding, possession heavy, cycling team that Sutter developed was out. The counter-attack, high-flying team was here now in a league where speed and creating space is in vogue. Then the rest of the league had a game plan against the Kings.</p>
<p id="TlSTXc">The second half of last season had the Kings stumbling at times, and then got ran over by a <a href="https://www.battleofcali.com/2018/4/19/17252848/that-sucked-los-angeles-kings-las-vegas-knights-or-whatever-nhl-playoffs-kill-me-now">Vegas team that out coached Stevens every step of the way</a>. It did not help that the Kings defense got hit with injuries to <span>Derek Forbort</span> and <span>Jake Muzzin</span> either, to be fair.</p>
<p id="RB1xDA">At the time, I said the Kings bringing back John Stevens would be a mistake. His system was basic in every insulting sense of the word. Then of course he remained coach, the Kings had a horrendous preseason (<em>though it’s preseason so who fucking cares?</em>), <em> </em>and the Kings got out shot and out attempted by miles by every team they’ve matched up against. Including Montreal, Detroit, and Ottawa.</p>
<p id="T2nvrU">Then there is the power play.</p>
<p id="dEwL0s">Disaster would be an understatement. It’s made the Bay of Pigs seem like a coordinated and competent undertaking. Worst of all, two weeks or so into the season and still being as bad as it started is remarkably woeful. </p>
<p id="2OR2C1">Long story short: Stevens has got to do a massive shake up with his schemes or his ass is toast.</p>
<p id="g4LqXC">To that point, any changes made by Johnnie would be welcome at this rate simply because none were made despite the ineptitude the team displayed in the second half last season. At the very least, please please please please stop using <span>Adrian Kempe</span> at center.</p>
<p id="vUZsrQ">But if Stevens were to be fired, who would replace him? The Kings assistant coaches are...uh...</p>
<p id="roab5M">So outside options would be required. Perhaps:</p>
<p id="hEnfLW">Dave Tippett!</p>
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<img alt="Minnesota Wild v Arizona Coyotes" data-mask-text="false" src="https://cdn.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/hg4MjWMU3sTlgEmMvKFf0bWFLmc=/400x0/filters:no_upscale()/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/13294217/493000816.jpg.jpg">
<cite>Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images</cite>
<figcaption>Imagine coaching a good team!</figcaption>
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<p id="QwZLSD">The <a href="https://www.fiveforhowling.com/">Arizona Coyotes</a> former coach took teams with less talent than the Kings got now to the playoffs and even the conference finals. He’s defense first, which the Kings seem to be all about. He also isn’t worried about rolling with younger talent, which the Kings are integrating in more and more of. He also was an assistant coach in L.A. with Andy Murray.</p>
<p id="cC8GjD">Dan Bylsma!</p>
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<img alt="Buffalo Sabres v Arizona Coyotes" data-mask-text="false" src="https://cdn.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/fmu2nvSEPqt4zcx0o6mkTDm1c_Q=/400x0/filters:no_upscale()/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/13294223/505902710.jpg.jpg">
<cite>Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images</cite>
<figcaption>Imagine coaching a team better than the Sabres but not as good as the Penguins!</figcaption>
</figure>
<p id="RzXdyT">He won a Cup! He couldn’t really win much more after that, even with Crosby and Malkin developing into their primes. Then he really couldn’t win in Buffalo, but that’s less his fault. He played in L.A. for a while, too. </p>
<p id="7wTtTx">Lebron James!</p>
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<img alt="Golden State Warriors v Los Angeles Lakers" data-mask-text="false" src="https://cdn.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/1j3--lAJy0eN5iCTZAHKHO4atGs=/400x0/filters:no_upscale()/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/13294229/1053179728.jpg.jpg">
<cite>Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images</cite>
<figcaption>That’s not how you wear headphones</figcaption>
</figure>
<p id="HWYLWB">New to L.A. but a proven winner! He already spends a lot of time at Staples Center, so maybe he knows some of the Kings? Nobody thought he could drag the garbage bag Cavaliers through the post-season but he routinely did that. He even beat the Warriors once. He moved out west to expand his professional portfolio and explore new opportunities, and this would have to be intriguing.</p>
<p id="UG0LLa">Barack Obama!</p>
<figure class="e-image">
<img alt="Barack Obama Attends Campaign Rally For Pennsylvania Democrats In Philadelphia" data-mask-text="false" src="https://cdn.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/jrlTjH29J4tJtp3Mc5LZtVBS8Mw=/400x0/filters:no_upscale()/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/13294235/1037466036.jpg.jpg">
<cite>Photo by Mark Makela/Getty Images</cite>
<figcaption>“what the fuck? Hockey? Hell no” -Barack Obama</figcaption>
</figure>
<p id="2NNNyS">The former leader of the free world is charismatic and quite the people person so now he could be the monarch <em>and </em>tyrant that people feared he was. Sure, he never attended a <a href="https://www.japersrink.com/">Capitals</a> game in D.C., but who can blame him for disliking hockey. I sure hate it.</p>
<p id="yn7Imv"> Me!</p>
<figure class="e-image">
<img alt=" " data-mask-text="false" src="https://cdn.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/KL9CNZXvfbnwazW4562LiY_xnzo=/400x0/filters:no_upscale()/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/13294257/TheJerk_01.jpg">
<cite>The Jerk</cite>
<figcaption>I was born a poor black child</figcaption>
</figure>
<p id="Y2Ypbq">I’m not busy ever, and I would maybe stop complaining about the Kings online. I never actually coached or even led anything, but I also have no blemishes on my track record either. I played goalie in high school, which means I never paid attention to coaches, but I can wing it no problem. I mean John Tortorella is a coach still. How hard could it be? I think players would be drawn to my laid back approach and would have beers in the locker room with me. Just like in high school.</p>
<p id="6JYpSq">Darryl Sutter!</p>
<figure class="e-image">
<img alt="Florida Panthers v Los Angeles Kings" data-mask-text="false" src="https://cdn.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/krQZdk927VGalO2XOGy7GnoRx4E=/400x0/filters:no_upscale()/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/13294243/496175864.jpg.jpg">
<cite>Photo by Sean M. Haffey/Getty Images</cite>
<figcaption>M. C. A!</figcaption>
</figure>
<p id="a2XX1N">Okay maybe not. But at least the Kings won then before they all hated him for being a cranky old coot.</p>
<p id="eKE26T"></p>
https://www.battleofcali.com/2018/10/18/17979204/the-system-is-down-los-angeles-kings-john-stevensGet'rDunn2018-10-09T10:08:09-07:002018-10-09T10:08:09-07:00So, your goalie died again
<figure>
<img alt="NHL: Stanley Cup Playoffs-Vegas Golden Knights at Los Angeles Kings" src="https://cdn.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/4ZZCjqzI3ub0HfWjdtpq4bxepSI=/0x310:1845x1540/1310x873/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/61705765/usa_today_10791713.0.jpg" />
<figcaption>try some refreshing death | Jayne Kamin-Oncea-USA TODAY Sports</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Hey, it’s 2016 again</p> <p id="RfTktk">[turns on 85 pound block of a television and pops in a VHS]</p>
<p id="eQLBmK">Hello! And welcome to “Your Goalie Decided to Die”! I’m Get’r Dunn. You may remember me from such related films like “Tommy John: The Musical” and “What Concussion? I Feel Purple!”</p>
<p id="LPpuPb">Today we will be exploring life after your goalie. Again! First off though, don’t be concerned about your goaltender. He’s on a nice big farm upstate with other goalies. There’s plenty of beers to drink and sticks to break. He’s very happy.</p>
<p id="sKeDGT">But what about you? Now you need a goalie!</p>
<p id="vu2Ae4">Sure, you may think you got everything handled. This has happened before! Ben Scrivens, <span>Martin Jones</span>, <span>Peter Budaj</span> bailed you out. <em>And </em>you got some kid named after soup now, too. <em>And </em>you learned that maybe trading for <span>Ben Bishop</span> is really stupid as hell idea. Things will be different. After all, wasn’t that the last year you won a playoff game? Maybe it’s a blessing?</p>
<p id="m4eBCO">Nope!</p>
<p id="GRoCiV">You just got ran over by the <a href="https://www.wingingitinmotown.com/">Detroit Red Wings</a>, who are barely a mid-tier team these days. “Sure. But we won!”</p>
<p id="B74fQs">You sad, stupid, sad idiot.</p>
<p id="z4K3oC"><span>Jack Campbell</span> played out of his damn mind to steal a win. The only line scoring is <span>Anze Kopitar</span>’s. The power play has as much life in it as JFK. The <a href="https://www.jewelsfromthecrown.com/">Kings</a>’ breakout is as coordinated as Brett Kavanaugh during Beach Week.</p>
<p id="nzRj8Q">Things of course could turn around! But doing the same thing over and over again seems like a poor idea when you face the <a href="https://www.arcticicehockey.com/">Jets</a> and <a href="https://www.pensionplanpuppets.com/">Maple Leafs</a> soon. You have to assume their guys can handle a breakaway, unlike <span>Andreas Athanasiou</span>.</p>
<p id="2MFnw6">Three out of four points is a good start though, right? NO.</p>
<p id="yiWQxE">Okay, it’s not bad. But there are a lot of things to be righted before relying on <span>Campbell</span> and Peter “Please forgive me” <span>Budaj</span> to win the Vezina. In the meantime, kick back, have some beers in honor of <span>Jonathan Quick</span>, and hope things naturally straighten out.</p>
<p id="sprZdR">Ah, so you want actual suggestions on what to do with your goalie injured and your team looking sloppy? Well, first off</p>
https://www.battleofcali.com/2018/10/9/17956138/so-your-goalie-died-again-jonathan-quick-too-many-coors-los-angeles-kingsGet'rDunn2018-10-05T09:18:34-07:002018-10-05T09:18:34-07:00What’s different this time?
<figure>
<img alt="NHL: Los Angeles Kings at San Jose Sharks" src="https://cdn.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/chfyCRSRQMqPmQf2Pl4eoBSkZuw=/0x0:4657x3105/1310x873/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/61664311/usa_today_10497435.0.jpg" />
<figcaption>watch out for that net behind you don’t trip | Stan Szeto-USA TODAY Sports</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Gonna probably wanna hit the snooze button</p> <p id="bjmcdv">Last season saw the <a href="https://www.jewelsfromthecrown.com/">Kings</a> make the playoffs after missing them during the 2017 season. They didn’t win any playoff games in 2018 either though, so, well...</p>
<p id="WYcAZP">As has been painfully pointed out, the Kings have only won one playoff game since they won the <a href="http://www.sbnation.com/nhl-playoffs">Stanley Cup</a> back in 2014. That game came back in 2016 against the <a href="https://www.fearthefin.com/">Sharks</a>. Tonight, as always, the Kings open their season against San Jose. This is the 35th consecutive season this has happened.</p>
<p id="hUPLEr">Los Angeles has been in a weird semi rebuild for the last few years following their Cup win, Slava Voynov committing domestic abuse, Mike Richards getting booted following being busted for having several suitcases full of Oxycontin, and <span>Marian Gaborik</span> being shipped out for an even more expensive long term player that is maybe a click better than <span>Michael Del Zotto</span>.</p>
<p id="VRjaKx"><span>Alex Iafallo</span>, <span>Austin Wagner</span>, <span>Paul LaDue</span>, and <span>Michael Amadio</span> are replacing these guys. Apologies if you have not really heard of them. <span>Adrian Kempe</span>, who last year took on a huge role replacing the injured <span>Jeff Carter</span>, looks to build on a season where he didn’t score a goal in the entire second half. <span>Jaret Anderson-Dolan</span> and Gabe Vilardi are going to make their debuts mostly out of necessity. </p>
<p id="2sJZtO">It’s exciting to see younger guys being thrown into NHL action, and the Kings championship years were clearly helped by that (Dwight King, <span>Tyler Toffoli</span>, <span>Tanner Pearson</span>, Voynov). Part of that success was also several years of being cellar dwellers and having an ungodly amount of draft picks (<span>Anze Kopitar</span>, <span>Drew Doughty</span>). 2015 through 2017 had picks dealt out as Dean Lombardi tried to salvage the seasons with mediocre deadline rentals in a feeble attempt to keep his job (he didn’t). The last few seasons looks to correct that, minus being a total tank team. Hence the college signings, a la <span>Iafallo</span>, and teenagers scattered into the roster. </p>
<p id="q5gAJF">And there’s <span>Ilya Kovalchuk</span>! Spurned by Ilya several years ago for New Jersey (what?), <span>Kovalchuk</span> finally decided Russia and New Jersey sounded less appealing than the sunny shores of Los Angeles. Instead of dealing pieces and picks for Vincent Lecavalier and Jarome Iginla, the Kings signed Kovalchuk for free. Well, three years at over six million dollars per season, but who cares? Nothing can go wrong there!</p>
<p id="4wdz9m">It’s a risky move, obviously. But the Kings have needed a winger who could reliably shoot. They have that now. Maybe. More concerning is the lumbering potato defenseman, Dion Phanuef.</p>
<p id="coglaz"><span>Phaneuf</span> can shoot the puck. He also is slow and getting slower, and for a team trying every move possible to get faster, he’s a concerning regular to have in the lineup. He’s not the world’s worst defender the Kings have had, (I’m looking at you <span>Kevin Gravel</span>) but the Kings are going to want to make sure they have a defensively responsible quick skater paired up with him. Sorry, <span>Jake Muzzin</span>.</p>
<p id="rwPhVW">All in all, it’s the same concerns the Kings have had the past several years. Do they have reliable depth down the middle? Will they finally have enough scoring wingers? Is there a pairing on defense that is a black hole? Is the team fast enough since the league moved away from the plodding checking game that the 2012 Kings used?</p>
<p id="PxqV8z">Maybe yes?</p>
<p id="4Jf45C">It doesn’t help that <span>Dustin Brown</span> is hurt, but the Kings have some reasonable depth. I’m not crazy about <span>Adrian Kempe</span> at center (still) because he can’t win a faceoff to save his life and is a mediocre playmaker, but he’s got the speed and shot to be a great winger. <span>Dion Phaneuf</span> and Paul LaDue is...concerning. </p>
<p id="OPNRF0">But it doesn’t matter because I am watching the Dodgers tonight.</p>
https://www.battleofcali.com/2018/10/5/17941318/whats-different-this-time-los-angeles-kingsGet'rDunn2018-09-19T12:18:12-07:002018-09-19T12:18:12-07:00Left-Winger For Hire
<figure>
<img alt="" src="https://cdn.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/DyBfcrQtelQkQy3mWCScPRfntsc=/0x36:853x605/1310x873/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/61466701/image1.0.jpeg" />
<figcaption><em>Anaheim’s Next Top 3RD (4TH) Line Winger!</em></figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Pacioretty? Kovalchuk? Nope. Haley Joel Osment’s stand-in</p> <p id="0qp6H2">With the NHL pre-season underway, the <a href="https://www.anaheimcalling.com/">Ducks</a> are poised to make their mark going into the start of the regular season with a whole new game plan of using younger/faster players. I know, I know...it’s about damn time. Unfortunately, GM Bob Murray hopes that archaic system master himself, Randy Carlyle, can implement a modern day system. Oh, this otta be good. </p>
<p id="oDciCm"></p>
<p id="2cKNkS">Meanwhile, one player still remains to be re-signed: Nick Ritchie. The baby-faced left winger whose eyes are way too close together is a hold-out after being unsatisfied with contract offers from the Anaheim club’s GM, and has not yet participated in any training camp activities; he’ll also be sitting on the couch during the pre-season. With that, a spot remains open on Anaheim’s roster. Chances are that we will see one of the youngsters take it, but if Barstool Bob continues his search, I figured I’d help do my part. I’ve written this ad to place into the Pennysaver’s “help wanted” section. Maybe one of you out there can step up and slot in! </p>
<p id="kj9LLU"></p>
<p id="VOhPiC">Do you have what it takes? If so, then read ahead:</p>
<p id="UvlFOF"></p>
<p id="KkrU21"><strong>Help Wanted: A New Nick Ritchie</strong></p>
<p id="zZlzLm"></p>
<p id="9gr5Vb">Anaheim Ducks Hockey Club looking to hire a new semi-professional not so much experienced hockey player to fill a position as 3rd-line (but should really be 4th line) left winger. </p>
<p id="dB5dvT"></p>
<p id="v3l2fx"><em>Requirements:</em> Must be no shorter than 6’ 2”, 230 lbs. with ABSOLUTE GRIT. Ability to take stupid penalties while being in the offensive zone and having fans wonder why you’re not spending more time in the AHL IS A-MUST! </p>
<p id="dauLXF"></p>
<p id="fJ0iQj"><em>Education Level:</em> farm smart with a 3rd grade reading level. Sorry, <span>Pat Maroon</span>’s need not apply.</p>
<p id="82Qi0I"></p>
<p id="HwBLUp"><em>Contact:</em> Facsimile resume to 1-800-IAM-JOBB to apply.</p>
<p id="jmge6I"></p>
<p id="c45gDj">Go Ducks!</p>
<p id="Ry8LGJ"></p>
<p id="qvkLme"><em>Writers Note: This will be my last post contributing to Battle of California for the time being. Wanted to be a sap by thanking Ryan Dunn & the BoC crew for posting my stupid trash. Big thanks for Jer who wanted to be lazy and allow me to contribute in the first place - was an honored to pick up his slack. </em></p>
https://www.battleofcali.com/2018/9/19/17879870/left-winger-for-hire-anaheim-ducks-haley-joel-osmentgcducksfan2018-09-12T13:28:38-07:002018-09-12T13:28:38-07:00BREAKING: Ducks Arm-Chair GM Arrested!
<figure>
<img alt="" src="https://cdn.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/y9ScbakYAn0VVZpyVe2lNKtrKM4=/0x272:3264x2448/1310x873/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/61371631/image1.0.jpeg" />
<figcaption>Better than “Wild Wing Way” or whatever</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>It’s all so simple</p> <p id="hDIcEe">As we draw closer to the start of what will likely be another Randy Carlyle <a href="https://www.anaheimcalling.com/">Ducks</a> season of hockey, the excitement in the air is palpable (tastes like disappointment with an essence of dump & chase).</p>
<p id="A3Ynke"></p>
<p id="sBgsCE">Over the summer, the Anaheim Ducks made blockbuster moves with signing elite talents such as <span>Luke Schenn</span>, <span>Andrej Sustr</span>, <span>Carter Rowney</span>, and <span>Brian Gibbons</span> - just to name a few. Anaheim also locked up contracts for number one Vezina award snubbed goaltender, <span>John Gibson</span>, as well as forward <span>Adam Henrique</span> and young, disgustingly good looking defenseman, Brandon “The Body” Montour. </p>
<p id="0S55mq">All Anaheim faithful would rejoice to see Kevin “I Need A Nap From Turning The Puck Over Whilst Screening My Goaltender In Front Of His Crease So I’ll Just Lay Face Down Right Here” Bieksa and Antoine “I’m Only Good For Face-Offs, I Guess” Vermette pack their bags and move on. At the sad and unfortunate same time, Elite Number One Center <span>Derek Grant</span> would move off to Pittsburgh with Our Lord & Savior, Jared Rittenhouse Boll, officially retiring. The Ducks are set to get things going once again.</p>
<p id="uIvFDM"></p>
<p id="xFjXgb">With all the excitement and anticipation of seeing said elite talent coming over to call the Pond their home, some fans were just not satisfied...</p>
<p id="VCFEJE"></p>
<p id="PSzWAU">My sources have recently informed me that a crime took place during the very busy Anaheim Ducks summer where an angry Arm-Chair GM whose name has been reported as Mob Burray, broke into the Honda Center and into GM Bob Murray’s office in hopes of altering the roster to their liking; this crime has gone under the radar for confidential purposes. Mob Burray was found spinning in Bob Murray’s chair while calling other NHL teams GMs in the middle of the night where he was said to attempt trades such as <span>Erik Karlsson</span> for the entire Anaheim roster, <span>John Tavares</span> for a $5 In-N-Out gift card, <span>Alex Ovechkin</span> for a half-chewed stick of gum, and Eric Lindros for “funzies”.</p>
<p id="rXEZzD"> </p>
<p id="HtnIKN">I’ve obtained the Anaheim PD transcript of Burray’s interrogation where they asked him why he chose to do such a stupid thing:</p>
<p id="deKfTm"></p>
<p id="Mh7ikt">[begin transcript]</p>
<p id="yFv6Jj"></p>
<p id="GEAokI"><strong>Officer 1: </strong><em>“So Mob, why would you do such a stupid thing?”</em></p>
<p id="KAHVuY"></p>
<p id="Bogqdq"><strong>Burray:</strong> <em>“Because Bob Murray never does anything that I want him to do! He just sleeps during the draft, Free Agent Day, and at Trade Deadline! And I’m sick of it!”</em></p>
<p id="uQmS5z"></p>
<p id="HHzZDK"><strong>Officer 2:</strong> <em>“Really? Ducks just signed Adam Henrique to a 5-year deal with an AAV of $5.825M.”</em></p>
<p id="yed7z2"></p>
<p id="LuHS0S"><strong>Burray:</strong> <em>“But he didn’t get </em><span><em>Tavares</em></span><em>! </em><span><em>Erik Karlsson</em></span><em> is still out there! Why not go for </em><span><em>Jamie Benn</em></span><em> or Ovechkin?? Ovi just won a Cup! We need all those guys!!”</em></p>
<p id="UNyJtB"></p>
<p id="lXO0uE"><strong>Officer 2:</strong> <em>“</em><span><em>Benn</em></span><em> has a No-Move-wait...what?”</em></p>
<p id="fk0x8p"></p>
<p id="4IqYMD"><strong>Burray:</strong> <em>“I know more than that hack, Bob Murray! I’ve done it on NHL 2017 GM Mode!”</em></p>
<p id="EZiSGk"></p>
<p id="fbrumN"><strong>Officer 1:</strong> <em>“Did you have the ‘rookie’ settings on?”</em></p>
<p id="ZvGZz2"></p>
<p id="Sg4DGY"><strong>Burray:</strong> <em>“Maybe! Look, I just don’t understand why the Ducks can’t have all the best players! </em></p>
<p id="yiIf6G"><em>We would win Cups all the time!”</em></p>
<p id="ltwHLf"></p>
<p id="064YTJ"><strong>Officer 1:</strong> <em>“Anaheim only has $6M projected in cap space.”</em></p>
<p id="xZUc05"></p>
<p id="5ZCRMG"><strong>Burray:</strong> <em>“Cap Space?”</em></p>
<p id="Lro6VJ"></p>
<p id="R5Eb8e"><strong>Officers 1&2:</strong> <em>“*facepalm*”</em></p>
<p id="nxp3kH"></p>
<p id="vRddyY">[end transcript]</p>
<p id="2VUYi5"></p>
<p id="gvaTME">No charges were made against Burray due to the club being utterly embarrassed for the person. </p>
<p id="NmT4Ru">Welcome back, hockey fans.</p>
<p id="ZCQhSE"></p>
<p id="lm2ZLl">Go Ducks!</p>
https://www.battleofcali.com/2018/9/12/17847750/breaking-ducks-arm-chair-gm-arrested-anaheim-summer-hockey-snoozegcducksfan