Battle of California - All Posts

Tuesday, May 21, 2013, 7:00 PM PDT
HP Pavilion

Jonathan Quick will freak out unless you buy some Los Angeles Kings tickets.

Not my best effort, but I'm not feeling great after tearing my larynx screaming at the Kings during game three. It's very ironic that the Kings, who were top performers in the regular season with advanced stats, has had their possession and scoring chance numbers plummet in the playoffs. Yet somehow they still made the second round and even won two games in this series despite this. Meanwhile the Ducks (remember them?) were awful in the regular season with advanced numbers, improved upon them in the playoffs, and then lost in seven games in the first round. Go figure.

Los Angeles is going to need to finally wake the hell up at some point. Bad games have hit them occasionally this year, but here in the playoffs it seems like that's been the norm with them. They may have stolen game two, but stealing two out of four is not a scenario I'd like to be in. So if they could just give Jeff Carter, and Richards, and Dustin Brown, and Anze Kopitar some coffee or whatever, that would be awesome. Thanks.

Prediction: The Kings show up in the third, but are already down by three at that point and lose 3-2.

San Jose Sharks Gameday: Name that whiner!

2013-05-21T12:00:11Z

Welcome to Whine Country.

After games two and three of the series between the Sharks and the Kings BOTH ended due to controversial penalties that resulted in 5-on-3s, sizable portions of the fanbases for both teams decided that the best course of action available to them was to whine about the officiating on the Internet. This whining went on vociferously and at length after each of the past two games, and has served as a great example of the worst each fanbase has to offer, as well as how similar the fans of these two teams really are.

Some of the whining I witnessed from Kings fans after game three was SO similar to the complaining from Sharks fans after game two that it gave me an idea for a little game: I've gathered some of the best whines I could find from articles and comments and posted them below, with team and player names removed. I invite you to go through them all and write down which team you think the whine-author supports.

I'll reveal the answers at the end, and you can see how many you got right.

uhhhh .... terrible call.[...] another ref trying to be the center of attention while the rest of the mere mortals actually play the game

but both calls were so bad that a WWE referee wouldn't have been that bad. Face it had the teams been reveresed in those offences there would have been no calls. The refereeing is so blatently biased that I refuse to watch hockey any more for that fact. Since Bettman and the first lockout, this has ceased to be a "Sport" where the best team wins, and has become a business to try and crack the US sports world....[...] I am not saying that the calls against [TEAM] aren't penalties.....more often than not, it goes uncalled for the [OTHER TEAM] which leads to frustration and more penalties. Referees are supposed to be fair and impartial and you just can't get that when they are paid by a company trying to promote the game

Just wondering why [TEAM] always seems to gets loads of PP opportunities in the playoffs??

Save the game we love.

Bitch slap the Ref in your neighborhood

Well that game was given away by the refs. Rubbish rubbish call

i hope serious questions get asked about the state of NHL officiating. the [TEAM] got absolutely raped by bad calls [...] it’s not right, it’s not good for hockey, and it just leaves a bad taste all around.

the stupid thing is this kind of officiating KILLS this sport. All you want is for your team to be able to compete. [...] the officials were a constant influence on the flow. Not the reason they lost, but if you seriously think it wasn’t a MAJOR factor… it just sucks the life out of me. Not my team losing, but just the consistently bad officiating league wide this year. So much so I could easily walk away from watching hockey and never return.

The [TEAM] just got ass-raped on national television. The call on [PLAYER] I don’t like but can marginally live with, even though that’s a non-call in most of the 1000 or so playoff games I’ve watched in my life. The [PLAYER] penalty was brutal beyond words.

I may never watch NHL hockey again because it’s not a sport anymore when the players dont get to decide who wins. Powerplays in the playoffs, with teams with good 25% powerplays, are each worth 1/4 a goal. If the referees give one team 4 more powerplays per game, that’s giving them a goal a game, which will a series for any team because none of the teams in the playoffs are more than a goal per game better than each other.

I love this game but how am I supposed to be a fan and root for a team when the team has no control over what happens?

You read all about the scandals in european soccer, the refs paid off, stuff like that, and I can’t be so naive anymore to think that’s not happening in the NHL after watching something so obvious.

#10

totes bs call on that and many others

#11

the officiating was garbage. It was bush league, amateurish and it was at its worst in the biggest of moments.

#12

Pure BS, and I’m done with the NHL, what I have seen from the officiating in 2011 and 2013 is just horse bleep.

I have just watched my last NHL game.

WWE is always a good option, at least they are honest when they call it "Sports Entertainment".
NHL should refer to itself as "sometimes sports, sometimes sports entertainment"

#13

we have an issue and its not a new one and its league wide , There is no other major sport in north america and maybe the world that has every night a game is played the officiating is questioned as much as it is . The refs are givin the ability to make calls by there descression and not by what is a penalty or not . The only way to solve this issue call every single damn thing and if it takes gmaes of non stop PPs well so be it cause it wont last long . The NHL right now and has been a billion dollar bush league for far to long and hey if people in the US knew what was a penalty or not because the horrendous officiating maybe they might start tuning and going to games and the NHL will surpass the ever exciting Nascar where guys turn left for 3-4 hrs in the ratings

#14

the league governors recognize that having joke officiating makes their league look amateurish, and contributes to making serious sports fans ignore it down south...and the [TEAM] aren't the only ones getting the shaft by these clowns. Our players and coaches (and fans) wouldn't be ourtraged if there wasn't a constant source producing that outrage. We need professional officials, get rid of the idiot ones..we don't need different players to try to appease them.

#15

Some of those refs like [NAME] are really despicable, total scumbags. They totally abuse their authority and show bias to whoever team or players they dislike. Personal vendetta's, grudges, acting arbitrarily, vindictive behavior... all the worst qualities a ref can have, they have. And they get away with it. Zero accountability.

Do you have all your answers ready? Do you think you know which whiny fans said which whiny things? Click below for the REAL answers!

I hope you had as much fun reading those comments as I did, and I hope I've made my point about which fans are the TRUE whining, crying, pants-wetting babies.

Next Game

Tuesday, May 21, 2013, 7:00 PM PDT
HP Pavilion

Megalodon's 5 Kias to the Game, brought to you by Kia*

* = hopefully, someday

1. Joe Thornton has been playing some of the best playoff hockey of his career, especially in game three when he brutally murdered Mike Richards and dumped his body into the Bay. He'll need to continue to be a dominant force on both sides of the puck to keep the LA forwards in check.

2. Logan Couture had an extra day off to heal after his leg injury, so hopefully he'll be close to 100%. The Kings would have to be fools not to be targeting him for some extra physical play, so Logan has to be ready for it.

3. Face-offs.

4. The Sharks need to be comfortable when they arrive at the arena for the game, so it would be smart if they all drove to the game in reliable, high-quality Kia automobiles.

5. Remember back in 2011 when Benn Ferriero came into the lineup against the Red Wings and scored a key goal? It would be nice to see something like that from one of the random chuckle-heads the Sharks throw on to the fourth line.

Prediction: The Kings once again learn that you can't let the other team out-shoot you by 20 and hope to steal wins. Sharks win 4-1.

Los Angeles Kings Gameday: All Apologies

2013-05-18T12:32:47Z

Hi Sharks fans,

It's me, Get'r. I know last game was brutal. Trust me, we Kings fans know about crushing defeats to in-state rivals. And while the shoe was on the other foot this time, I feel like I should take the high road regarding game two. Sure, you may be upset now, while two years ago with the Kings' catastrophic collapse you were euphoric and merciless. I'm not going to call out some of you for the role reversal and how "mean" those "L.A. douches" are. I'm not trying to make some subtle little quips. I am 100% sincerely sorry.

Now there has been a little bit of talk about Tyler Toffoli diving for the first call (really?) and the idiotic delay of game call that exists, but the truth of the matter is the Kings brought it for the last half of the third period. They drew a call, and got lucky with the second one on Vlasic. Logan Couture failed to clear, goal one, and Joe Pavelski did his best Alex Ovechkin on a back-check impression, goal two.

Still, the sun came up this morning, and we all (well, most of us) woke up alive and well. A 2-0 series deficit is surmountable obviously, and the Sharks are very tough at home. Let's look past the rough games we have witnessed, as our teams beat the hell out of each other. It's all a game anyways. Just one that basically consumes all of our waking consciousness.

And San Jose did a lot of things well, such as take advantage of the Kings sleeping in the second, and exploiting Colin Fraser while he was filling in for Anze Kopitar. Tyler Toffoli saved the day, and Los Angeles should be stoked they have a 2-0 series lead. It was a pretty gritty performance by both teams, and is bitterly disappointing for the Sharks that God just loves L.A. more. Two goals in twenty-two seconds is just damn frustrating, and having them come in the last few minutes to change the lead...whew, I'm thankful I wasn't on the receiving end of that. But the Sharks are a resilient bunch, and being down 2-0 isn't the end. Though it doesn't help the Sharks haven't won a series when losing the first two games. But have faith. You'll see. Maybe.

Kings will continue to be a shitty franchise In a shithole city. Fuck you
— KRS1 (@KevyKev92) May 17, 2013

Again, I am really, really sorry.

Next Game

Saturday, May 18, 2013, 6:00 PM PDT
HP Pavilion

Los Angeles Kings Tickets

The Kings had a crappy start in the first ten minutes, a great next twenty, an atrocious twenty, and then a phenomenal ending ten. Here is a chart:

Science.

Toffoli has been emerging as the star many predicted he would be, and Trevor Lewis has returned to causing the Sharks problems. Playoff Penner is in full swing, and I'd be hesitant to break that line up. I'd also put Dustin Brown with Richards and Carter just so that he stops hurting Kopitar. But that's just me.

Lastly, Jordan Nolan goes to check in on Jarret Stoll, who appears to have suffered a pretty bad head injury following the Raffi Torres hit.

5 prominent hockey analysts who probably smoke crack

2013-05-17T18:41:18Z

In case you haven't yet heard the greatest news story ever to come out of Canada, the mayor of Toronto, a Mr. Rob Ford, is ALLEGEDLY (but probably) a big fat crackhead. That's hilarious, especially since he's also a drunk homophobic racist conservative asshole.

More relevant to Battle of California, though, is the fact that according to the source of the video that supposedly shows the mayor smoking crack, the dealer who supplies Ford with his sweet sweet candy also sells to other famous people in the city of Toronto - including a "prominent hockey analyst."

Oh boy. You know what this means, right?

5 Prominent Hockey Analysts Who Probably Smoke Crack

#5 Jeremy Roenick

Smoking crack cocaine also can cause aggressive and paranoid behavior.

-DrugFreeWorld.com

Hmmm...

Jeremy's openness has often led to controversy. During the 2004–05 NHL lockout, he addressed certain fans that perceive NHL players as being spoiled. Roenick told these fans to "kiss my ass" and accused them of being jealous.

Roenick's penchant for stirring controversy also saw him claiming in 2006 that USA Hockey has "blackballed" him, and was being disrespectful by not including him on the American national team at the 2006 Winter Olympics in Turin, Italy. He claimed, "I'm a lot better player than my points indicate"; he had six goals and seven assists in 32 games when he made that comment.

In May 2009, Roenick claimed that Chris Chelios, then a member of the Detroit Red Wings, was receiving less playing time because Mike Babcock, Detroit's coach, was biased against American players. Chelios and Babcock dismissed the allegations, and stated that there was no tension between them.

So which is it, Jeremy? Do you smoke crack or are you just the world's biggest asshole?

#4 Pierre McGuire

Everybody knows Pierre McGuire is annoying as heck, but maybe we've all just been blind to his crippling crack dependency for all these years. It makes sense, if you think about it. Since long-term crack use can cause schizophrenic-like behavior, delusions, and hyper-sexuality, crack would help us understand stuff like this:

Game 1: Washington at New York. Broadcast Team: Mike "Doc" Emrick, Eddie Olczyk & Pierre McGuire

-- (Said this while screaming at the top of his lungs to the point where his voice cracked) "WE'RE SEEING A STAR BEING BORN RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR EYES" - Pierre McGuire [I honestly had no idea who he was talking about.]

and this:

Get help, Pierre. We're worried about you.

#3 Everyone in the Professional Hockey Writers' Association

Anze Kopitar wasn't a finalist for the Selke? Tommy Wingels didn't win the Masterton last year? Patrick Kane is a Lady Byng finalist? Are you guys all on crack or something?

Yes.

All of them.

#2 Don Cherry

This one is a no-brainer. Just as a poison arrow frog has brightly-colored skin to warn potential predators that it is toxic, Don Cherry wears his ridiculous outfits to make sure everyone knows that he is high as fuck, all day every day.

Honestly if we somehow had proof that Don Cherry DOESN'T smoke crack pretty regularly I believe that would raise more questions than it would answer.

#1 James Mirtle

@megalodonboc Offering?
— James Mirtle (@mirtle) May 17, 2013

James Mirtle is a member of the Professional Hockey Writers' Association, a group which has been linked in the press to drug use in the past. Even more damning than that is the fact that years ago Mirtle created an obscure hockey blog called "The Battle of California." Much of the content on the site shows clear signs of crack addiction among the authors, illustrators, and readers.

James Mirtle should be ashamed of himself.

Not for the crack-smoking though.

Next Game

Saturday, May 18, 2013, 6:00 PM PDT
HP Pavilion

How about that last game, huh? Pretty wild!

Sometimes you just have to laugh, you know.

Or do LOTS of crack.

Prediction: I smoke crack to celebrate or I smoke crack to forget.

Los Angeles Kings Gameday: Torresing Through Time

2013-05-16T13:51:31Z

It's no secret that Raffi Torres is one of those players that plays on the wrong side of the rules occasionally. He also loses. A lot. Though he does make it to the final round of whatever league he is in, he has yet to win a championship. He has been to the Calder Cup Finals twice, and lost both times. Raffi has also been to the Stanley Cup Finals twice (Vancouver in 2011, Edmonton in 2006), and lost. In fact, Torres has lost in the final round of tournaments more times than he has been suspended. He was suspended in the 2010-2011 season (with the Canucks) for a hit on Jordan Eberle, and twice the following season (with the Coyotes) for a hit on Nate Prosser and then the infamous rocketeer move on Marian Hossa during the playoffs.

Now it seems like Torres is going to get suspended again. He will then have lost in the Finals four times, and will likely have been suspended four times (which he will be). The universe does weird shit like this all the time throughout history, and no one knows how some of these anomalies work. It’s just like the wheel of discipline in the NHL. To quote a poet, "You can’t explain that."

Worst of all is that it happened to Jarret Stoll, who had never hurt anyone, and I frankly think should have been up for the Masterson and Byng awards. The work he did in the season improving the Ducks defense was impeccable. Get well soon, Mr. Andrews.

As for Torres, his history of losing in the deciding moment and his devastating, dirty hits stretches back further than you could imagine.

Next Game

Thursday, May 16, 2013, 7:00 PM PDT
STAPLES Center

Los Angeles Kings Tickets!

Suspension: Sinking of the Titanic, 1912

Raffi Torres’s most infamous hit, which was later made into a movie featuring Leonardo Dicaprio, Kate Winslett, and Vin Diesel. The Titanic, one of the top rising stars of the NHL, collided with Torres. Torres claimed he was playing the puck, and that the Titanic was reckless in its approach, yet the league would have none of it. The Titanic’s career ended in that incident, killing hundreds. Torres was fined and suspended 15 games.

Loss: The Battle of Berlin, 1945

Despite the rebuilding done by Germany just years prior, and spending over a decade as a bottom tier team, they found themselves in a position to contest for control of the entire NHL. Raffi Torres put up a career year through the regular season, but the wheels began to come off in the latter stages. Germany gave up entirely after the Battle of Berlin, where the coach subsequently shot himself. Torres only had two assists in the series, and was released the following offseason.

Suspension: Extinction of the dinosaurs, 66,000,000 B.C.

In a game against the Edmonton Oilers, Raffi Torres charged across the galaxy and made direct contact against the Earth’s head. The hit eradicated about 3/4ths of all life on Earth, and resulted in a concussion to Ryan Smyth, of which he never has been able to shake the lingering effects of. Torres vowed to never do such an act again, though he has cut it close in recently with similar plays, leaving league officials wondering if Torres is likely to not live up to his word.

Loss: The 54th quadrennial United States Presidential Election, 2000

One of the most controversial decisions of modern history, Raffi Torres found himself on the short end of the stick once more. In game seven, triple overtime, George W. Bush tipped a shot on net via a borderline high stick, while making contact with the netminder, and then kicking the deflection in. Despite this, the goal was upheld after review by league offices in Toronto.

Suspension: Ryan Dunn’s car, 2011

Following a night of heavy drinking, and quite possibly cocaine, Ryan Dunn and some other guy decided to drive home. However, Raffi Torres hit them with a blindside check, flipping the car, igniting it, and killing both passengers. What a fucking asshole.

Loss: Super Smash Brothers, my 12^th birthday

What would come to be Raffi's most embarrassing loss. Despite hyping himself to no end, and winning a few early matches exclusively using Pikachu's thunder attack, Torres was completely demolished in the final match played that evening by my buddy, Marcus (as Samus). It was such a series of catastrophic events that Raffi never was able to overcome socially, and was forced to transfer schools after frequent bouts of uncontrolled public pants wetting.

San Jose Sharks Gameday: 5 ways the Sharks can beat Jonathan Quick

2013-05-16T13:49:44Z

The San Jose Sharks had plenty of shots on goal and scoring chances in game one against the Los Angeles Kings, but LA goalie Jonathan Quick put on a solid performance and shut the Sharks out. Now I don't claim to be the greatest hockey expert in the world but I'm pretty sure that the Sharks are going to need score at least four goals if they want to win this series. With that in mind, I've put together some recommendations for ways the Sharks can start beating Quick.

Five ways the Sharks can beat Jonathan Quick

#5 With one hand

Jonathan Quick is exactly the kind of asshole who WOULD hassle a one-armed dude while he just wants to eat his chili.

#4 Gruesomely

If the dudes in this clip were hockey players in the playoffs they would be described as being "a little banged-up" and would be day-to-day.

#3 Surprise him in his apartment

The Comedian isn't actually a great stand-in for Quick. He's a lot more similar to Drew Doughty.

#2 Use baseball bats

The downside of this method is that it will involve beating up Quick's brother too, but hey - it's the playoffs. Sacrifices must be made.

#1 Just take the puck from him

Seriously guys. It's not that hard.

Next Game

Thursday, May 16, 2013, 7:00 PM PDT
STAPLES Center

Here are the main positive and negative takeaways from game one for the Sharks:

Positives

The Sharks had plenty of scoring chances. Even Andrew Desjardins had a solid chance to score:

The team didn't look rusty after their extended break.
The Kings were limited to 20 shots on goal.
The Sharks got the better of some key player vs. player match-ups. Especially the battle between Raffi Torres and Jarret Stoll.

Negatives

The Sharks lost the game.
Scott Hannan and Brad Stuart are on the team and play together and this is horrible and must be stopped.
Raffi Torres chopped off Jarret Stoll's head and took a big dump in it RIGHT THERE ON THE ICE!

Prediction: The Sharks mix their lines around and Tommy Wingels ends up playing with Joe Thornton. Wingels scores twice, and the Sharks win 2-1.

San Jose Sharks Gameday: Los Angeles is a miserable shithole

2013-05-14T12:01:06Z

Los Angeles is the worst city in California, the United States, and probably the world.

I mean I've never been to Bangui in the Central African Republic but I imagine it at least has better public transportation than Los Angeles.

LA sucks. It's an awful, vile place where the worst instincts of the human species are rewarded and encouraged. People with hopes and dreams from around the globe go to Los Angeles and are torn apart and re-molded into hyper-superficial, ultra-competitive, vacuous, sycophantic, sociopathic monsters.

By draining the rest of the world of so many creative and artistic people and then forcing those people to forget their talents and instead appear on hideous reality television shows, LA isn't just a horrible place on its own - it actually makes the rest of the world worse. Combine the creativity-drain of the city with its car-centric layout, massive traffic jams, and blistering heat that requires everyone to run their air conditioning until the power grid coughs and dies, and you have a place that drains the soul and the blood from the planet and the human race.

And what does the city of Los Angeles offer in return? G.I. Joe movies.

Fuck that. And fuck YOU, Los Angeles.

You've heard the phrase "Hell is other people?" Well all those people live in Los Angeles, and they are all jamming the 5 freeway from 3 AM Monday morning through 3:45 AM the following Monday. Everything you have ever hated about other people is magnified a thousand-fold in LA. The people are selfish, boring, oblivious, rude, pompous, self-indulgent, racist, dumb as shit, and either disgustingly rich or heart-breakingly poor.

Those who celebrate Los Angeles are celebrating every horrible instinct that human beings have. You're holding the species back thanks to your religious embrace of the culture of entertainment as a drug. Cheering for Los Angeles is like being one of the frothing masses assembled at a Nazi rally or the execution of Jesus.

Los Angeles is a sprawling disease, a fucked-up collection of dirty little towns that grew together and called themselves a city.

It's simply awful. And you know the worst part?

I live there.

Next Game

Tuesday, May 14, 2013, 7:00 PM PDT
Staples Center

Oh, you want to talk about hockey? Okay.

Nobody in Los Angeles gives a shit about hockey, because nobody in LA cares about anything except themselves, the Lakers, and the Dodgers, in that order. 99 percent of the people here are blissfully ignorant of the fact that their local hockey team has a captain who is an inbred hayseed idiot:

A starting goalie who alternates between really good and embarrassingly horrible:

(Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)

A number-one defenseman who is a sexual deviant:

Or a top-line center who is wanted for war crimes in his native Slovenia:

People in Los Angeles don't know any of this stuff, because people in Los Angeles don't know anything at all. You travel around LA for a while and you'll be absolutely shocked by the number of dumb fuckers you run across. From oblivious morons driving giant cars on the gridlocked freeways to idiot assholes shitting their pants at Disneyland, Los Angeles is absolutely full of brain-dead fools.

Which brings me to Mr. Dunn.

Dunn is the Kings writer on Battle of California, and has been since our previous writer died back in December. We had a number of applicants for the Kings writer position, but I chose Dunn because I misunderstood an eHow article I read and thought it would help me save money on my taxes. Now we're kind of stuck with him and it's really horrible, because it's obvious to everyone that Dunn shouldn't be writing anything other than a suicide note. I mean, just look at this gibberish!

Jesus, I miss Rudy.

Anyways, Dunn is yet another stupid person from Los Angeles (although I think he really lives in Riverside or some place) and we'd all be better off if he and the whole rest of this Metropolis of Smog and Shit would just walk into their filthy ocean and drown.

Fuck Dunn, fuck LA, and fuck the Kings.

Prediction: Brent Burns knocks Kopitar into Quick and injures both of them. The LA crowd sees an injured goalie and begins booing, because that's what they do. The Sharks win 4-0.

Los Angeles Kings Gameday: San Jose is a Septic Tank of Assholes and Douchebags

2013-05-14T11:58:05Z

California is clearly the best state ever to exist because God made it that way, but as to what half is superior there is an never-ending war. The best way to sort this out of course is through sports. So without further ado, here's a poem (written by, and I shit you not, my mom who felt compelled to contribute for this) for the northern, Shark loving, bunch of semen gargling penis pumps:

Oh the north,

Eat a bucket of baby dicks,

Fat, old men's taints you lick.

Up your ass coat hangers you stick,

I was never a fan of Alexi Zhitnik.

I know that was a bit far reaching (and the last line really had no place in this), as the Sharks play in San Jose, but no one knows where the fuck that is. Happy Mother's Day, by the way. And who is Saint Jose? Why that's the Spanish version name of the step-dad of Jesus, who was clearly jealous of God impregnating his wife, Mary, who evidently needed a better man around anyways. Paul and Mark didn't even give Joseph the time of day in their books, further showing how useless of a "saint" this "man" really was. What a piece of shit, and what piece of shit place San Jose is. "Oh but we invented the internet!" Yeah, great claim, dick cheese. San Jose, you're home to the worst basement dwelling, self-fondling, sociopaths in the world. Congratulations!

But you may be thinking, "Now wait a second, Dunn. I have a lot of friends who are northern Californians."

No. Disown them. You're fucking wrong. There's no good people in northern California, and the people living in southern California from the northern half originally are only okay until they start talking about anything from their "hella cool" homes.

Johnny Cash made Folsom famous for singing about its prison. Palo Alto was written about by James Franco, describing how fucked up the populace is there, and while it may be called a pretentious and arrogant bit of writing, guess where Franco grew up! I watched "Coach Carter" so obviously Richmond is a terrible place also. There's Oakland, Stockton, Fresno, and Sacramento. Glorious cities each. Yet none compare to San Jose. For God's sake, look at who one of the biggest supporters are for their hockey team:

Jesus H. Rodriguez. But it's great that a company wearing black-face that works in bail bonds to get rapists and murderers back on the street is such a staunch supporter.

And what the fuck is this?

Who knows #sjsharks captain Joe Thornton better: his wife, or Patrick Marleau? twitter.com/brodiebrazilCS…
— Brodie Brazil (@brodiebrazilCSN) May 13, 2013

Now hold on a second. There's obviously some weird shit at hand with this, but Brodie Brazil? Bullshit, that can't be a real name, can it? Yep, it is. Before you even have a choice on things, your parents make you into a pretentious, arrogant sounding shitball. Fortunately, he has to be pretty damn popular in Man Jose.

Yes, this is a real thing. Good thing they have mixers like bike parties, where assholes obnoxiously cycle around town yelling "BIKE PARTY" wearing just their underwear at times, making you wish you drove a monster truck to put an end to this shit. Sadly, this is all I really have on San Jose, since they are so fucking obscure they are barely in the news.

But as for the San Jose Sharks...They are team rife with tradition.

Dan Boyle, Defense

Antti Niemi, Goalie

Patrick Marleau, Man-Child

Tommy Wingels, Wiggles

Here we have Wiggles breaking the trend.

Logan Couture, Rodent

Seen here, leading the breakout.

Raffi Torres, Used Tampon

This motherfucker. He's the worst human being on earth. "Oh but he changed his ways". What the fuck is wrong with you? Shut up. He's the worst thing since Steve Miller.

And lastly there is Megalodon, aka our tyrannical overlord. Well, our cat owning, murse toting, overlord.

While it is safe to say he lives alone living off of expired canned crab, the saddest part of his existence is his undying belief that the Sharks are a respected organization, and that he is a respected authority on them. Ignore the fact that he's most read blogger here, that he is brought in to do pieces on Yahoo!, and also does main page posts and he has nothing. Just the Hall of Fame which is clearly biased to begin with.

So while some of you will undoubtedly make quips about the Kings' failures, we embrace them, and oh yeah

Next Game

Tuesday, May 14, 2013, 7:00 PM PDT
Staples Center