Battle of California: FanPosts

Top 5 Reasons to watch the ducks finish out the season

2010-03-11T16:29:11Z

I decided to come up with 2 lists...one which is G rated..that could be posted on that shitty ducks website community board..that I hope to gawd none of you go to...and the asshole Boc top 5 list

the ducks are done..we all know that...but there are still reasons to watch...Like you all to add to the list if you can...enjoy

TOP FIVE "G" RATED REASONS TO STILL WATCH THE ANAHEIM DUCKS FINISH OUT THE YEAR:

1. LUBO - you can see why rudy devoted a post to their break up and why he still probally cries naked in the shower Ace ventura style...guy has some skills..his going at it alone and scoring was golden..to see what hes gonna bring to the table next year is reason to watch

2.Bobby Ryan cool move - every other game he seems to do some awesome deke you only thought was possible on nhl 09-10 with the deke stick..I mean shit he does that in real life sometimes...reason to watch

3.Hiller - a cool hiller save is like wood in the morning..or hard nipples for chics..i dunno do they get mornign hardness?(whoops not rated G...flog me)

4.Scotty - no way Scotty comes back to this train wreck of a team..so enjoy watching one of the best ever on his last go around in a ducks uniform..maybe he goes elsewhere or retires..i guarantue though he doesnt come back to be made a fool again

5.Sexton - Always fun to root for the underdawg...and always fun to call him the sex monster or offender..whatever your cup of tea...just dont call him big sexy for christs sake.

TOP FIVE PERVERTED ASSHOLE BOC REASONS TO STILL WATCH THE ANAHEIM DUCKS FINISH OUT THE YEAR:

1.Sex or Ducks hockey? - I mean Ducks hockey is still better than sex (thats a lie) and or most of you arent getting any anyway...so shit

2. A Perry douche trick - thats a no brainer right there

3. Getzlaf - for me its fun to have a goat..now that whitney is gone we get to concentrate on Getz...this is a reason not to watch...but for me I like cussing and getting plowed so its a bonus

4. Shoveling shit? Patton? - When you have your little grandchild on your knee and he asks you what you did in the great year of 2010 you can say you watched the ducks finish out the season and you wont have to say I shoveled shit in lousiana

5. Battle of Cali - the most important reason is to talk shit here...so if you dont watch the games you might not have material...which leads to keeping up on the blog and in turn laughing when the kings and sharks both choke in the playoffs and become dead vaginas

UPDATE: thought we needed a return of the monkey per the ducks recent struggles

Boc Running Nhl 09-10 Post

2010-03-11T15:25:11Z

Cuz Im a fuckin dork and as usual have nothing better to do..thought I would have a running post going with Boc Nhl-09-10 results and xbox-ps3 screen names so we could all be gay together...and get recaps etc...

more than likely you guys wont respond but hey...

im on xbox at spade_haivyn (with a space)..im in the works of getting a cheap copy of nhl 10 for now i got nhl 09..but everyone here should have it duh...how could u know how awesome 10 is if you didnt get 09..

anyways little recap of the sleek-spade battle yesterday..we played two games USA vs Finland

and pretty much both games were exactly the same...they both ended 1-0 with sleek victories....as braniac and creative as sleek is with his Boc posts..hes the opposite in nhl 09...as he pretty much tried the same shit over and over again...his stragedy consisted of one time after one timer..after one timer...of course in each game he got lucky and snuck one past...once with selanne and the other time with ollie "im not fooling anyone with this stupid biker mustache" joikenen...with the fuckin huge olympic ice my game with thrown off methinks..my guys just fucking stand around..also i guess cuz its olympic ice it doesnt let me use my plays..which i guess are designed for the smaller rink...so i couldnt get anyone to move around..so i go behind the net...and my assholes just stand there and let sleeks guys just cover them etc....so im pissed cuz i thought i got the better of the chances..but still got shut out somehow ...TWICE!!!....fuuuuuuuck.....

so sleek were playing ducks vs ducks next time..or kings sharks or somthing i dunno fuck the olympic ice!!

p.s. I lost cuz I had ryan whitney...thats my excuse and Im sticking to it!!

BoC at the Olympics

2010-03-03T00:14:25Z

Just for fun point totals per Cali team in the Olympics:

Sharks Total: 23
Joe Pavelski: 3
Patrick Marleau: 5
Dany Heatley: 7
Joe Thornton: 2
Dan Boyle: 6
Douglas Murray: 0
Evgeni Nabokov: .852SV%, 4.16GAA, 144MP (in other words he single handedly lost the tourney for the Russians...look at Bryzgalovs numbers almost the same minutes played: .942SV%, 1.78GAA, 100MP)
Thomas Greiss: .815SV%, 5.03 GAA, 179MP (tough outing for Shark's G)

Kings Total: 9
Jack Johnson: 1
Dustin Brown: 0
Drew Doughty: 2
Michal Handzus: 6 (nice!)

Jonathan Quick: DNP

Ducks Total: 21
Ryan Whitney: 0 :-(
Bobby Ryan: 2 (on the 3rd or 4th line mind you!)
Corey Perry: 5
Scott Niedermayer: 3
Ryan Getzlaf: 7
Luca Sbisa: 0
Teemu Selanne: 2
Saku Koivu: 2

Jonas Hiller: .918SV%, 2.47GAA, 316MP

I'm unbiasedly ;-) giving the edge to the Ducks here since they are virtually tied for points with the Sharks and Hiller edged out both goalies. Plus I think at times the Perry, Getzlaf, Morrow line dominated while the Thornton, Marleau, Heatly line looked weaksauce ;-) I'm sure most of their points are on the PP.

Poll

Who do you think won the BoC in the Olympics?

Ducks

21 votes

Sharks

13 votes

Kings

4 votes

38 votes | Poll has closed

Evgeny Artyukhin traded to Atlanta

2010-03-02T02:27:11Z

Artoo, in his Star Wars glory, plus my imagined "Oystrick" -- part Oyster, part Ostrich. Still working on it.

From Jeff Marek's Twitter:

Anaheim trades Evgeny Artyukhin to Atlanta for Nathan Oystrick and a Conditional Draft Choice in 2011.

[UPDATE -- The OC Register Ducks blog offers more:]

The move was made largely to open up a roster spot for winger Dan Sexton, who is expected to be recalled Tuesday. ... The conditional pick is a sixth round pick in 2011 if Artyukhin resigns with Atlanta.

[UPDATE 2 -- More discussion at SBN's Thrashers blog, Bird Watchers Anonymous. Plus I got this short scouting report about Oystrick from the Falconer:]

He [Oystrick] has plus puck stills and passing abilities and is a good teammate. On the downside, he struggled to stay in NHL condition and tends to grip the stick too tightly in high pressure situations.

[...and, just for fun, here's what I wrote back about Artyukhin:]

To tell the truth, we haven't seen a lot from Artoo this season, mostly because he hasn't cracked the lineup very often. That is notable, since the Ducks had a stretch last month without Joffrey Lupul, Saku Koivu, and Teemu Selanne, and still minor-leaguers were playing instead of Artyukhin. Tool-wise, he's excellent -- he's menacingly Pronger-sized and is very fast on his skates, and he has some decent offensive instincts. But he's also quite clumsy -- he has been suspended twice this season for dangerous hits and is notorious for offensive zone penalties (that's when we use the nickname "ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHtyukhin").

When Artyukhin is good, he is very good -- you'll be amazed when he takes over a game. But for Ducks fans at least, it only happened two or three times, partially because Carlyle didn't play him very often. He's a good gamble for his $1M-or-so salary; he'll provide depth at least, along with a few frustrating penalties and an occasional flash of brilliance. I liked the guy, but Anaheim has fifteen or so forwards -- he wouldn't crack the lineup if it was even reasonably healthy.

I'm still in Olympic hangover tonight, but the trade deadline is upon us -- more on this later.

Go Ducks.

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2010-02-28T05:50:33Z

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HOCKEENIGHT Dances For A Cure

2010-02-08T23:11:35Z

(Note from Earl Sleek: the below was sent to me for publicity, I think, so I'm FanPosting it now. Charity's always cool, and I've been a repeat guest on Forklift's Blackhawks radio show, so I'm endorsing it, despite the dancing.)

Hello everyone.

As most of you know, I've been known to spin my way around a dance floor to varying degrees of success. It may be the only thing I do while clothed that I enjoy as much as hockey-related activities.

Anyway, every year for the past few years I've been involved with Dancing With Chicago Celebrities. It's pretty much a Chicago-area version of "Dancing With The Stars". While we've have yet to have any hockey players involved with the event, we've had basketball players like Kendall Gill, and football players like Mike Adamle and (this year) Gale Sayers. So there is actually a sports angle here.

The money raised goes to Susan G. Komen For The Cure, which is used for breast cancer research, as well as counseling and treatment for those affected with the disease.

Anyway, here's where you come in...

I've set up a fundraising site here. Closest I could find to a Blackhawk dancing. Anyway, what I'm asking people to do is brown-bag their lunch for one day, and send us the $10. That's all. I figure between all our readers, we can raise an awful lot of money, and really do something good. Along with putting the hit on each of you for $10, I'm also asking you to put something up on your sites about the event, and I'd be happy to do a brief write-up (shorter than this email, I promise).

Now, normally if a fundraiser collects over $2000 in donations, they get a free ticket to the event. I believe it pretty much defeats the purpose of a fundraiser to give tickets away, but it wasn't my call. Not that it matters, my wife and I bought a table for the event, so a free ticket is useless to me. Once I hit my mark (which I did last year), I'll ask them to give the ticket to someone affected by the disease who normally wouldn't be able to attend. Just to clarify that there's no financial benefit to me for any of this.

Let's see what we're capable of!

Forklift

hockeenight.com

Spade and the King of Ptown visit the staples center

2010-02-05T23:23:59Z

Howdy folks!!

your nieghborhood spade here with a recap of last nite's excellent adventure...ill write this journal style:

5:15: arrive in pomona at KOP (short for king of ptown) pad. As he mentioned in the comments he had already started with his cheap whiskey and coke...I quickly downed 2 myself and ate some tacos he bought for me...awwww..how sweet right

6pm: driving to the staples center...realize we dont have either a cigar cuter or matches for our cigar...fuck...pissed off..blaring "filter" and doing quite well on air drums thank you very much...we also sing the chorus back n forth...fun times indeed

6:30pm: arrive at the staples center..down some more jack n cokes before we go in..i scratch my nuts...KOP lets loose a snot rocket....no just kidding...but that would have been funny....plus i dont want to piss him off..youll find out later why

6:40pm: walking around looking for the budwieser lounge...lots of eye candy...the kings ice girls defintaly are on par with the ducks ones...Ck has a funny name for them..forgot...

6:45pm: find the lounge and are greated by even hotter chics dressed in blue..holy batfuck batman...i fall in love like 10 times...took a pic with one..i might post later..anyways..kick ass little spot..the honda center should copy and have one of these...i know they got that jack daniels bar but you have to a rich club asshole to get into and proballly they dont allow mexicans...so honda center..pay attention!!!....only problem with this place way overpriced and they dont have well drinks...the hot chics in blue give u a coupon for 2 dollas of bud light...but it didnt help....bought 2 beers and 2 shots of JD came out to $32 holy testicle titties...i felt like i was being raped without lube...but the eye candy softened the blow...Id go back for sure..i was sad I didnt get to meet any Bocers.....

7:30pm: find our seats and discover im in the all King section....arrrrgg...one duck fan behind me and a bunch of smelly king assholes..I felt like clean condom surronded by a bunch of dirty just used douchebags...i know that doesnt make any sense but i think its funny

7:30-10:30: dont remember that much...i know blake scored and the douches around me didnt like that one bit...somewhere in chior practice earls antenna probally shot up telling him the rat scored...then we started sucking and i started whining to sleek buggin him in practice...KOP was talking a lot of shit living it up....I ate some nachos and pretty much gave up...only to look up and notice we tied the scored...WTF?...I had a ring I was wearing and cheered one goal..and subsquently it flew off my hand..(it was a ring that used to fit when i was 70lbs heavier) I never did find it..of course no kings fans assited....I was gonna look for it after everyone left but i forgot....doooh!!

11:00pm: the drive home...me and the KOP started arguing...about what niether of us could tell you...I probally said somthing like your mom is fat and ugly(which is somthing stupid to say to a sibling)...or koptiar is a fag...I was also pissed the ducks lost etc...so we decided we needed to fight...we wanted to renact the parros-inavanans fight..so we pulled over to some parking lot and "dropped the gloves"...we started by dancing around..measuring it up.....I channeled my inner parros and pulled way back and threw a punch and al la parros hit nothing but air...then KOP subsequently grabbed me and drove me to the ground MMA style..lucky i had my favorite ducks beanie I only ended up with a bump in my head instead of being scratched up...we did some floor action(fighting guys..no gay homo shit)...ended up with some scratches all over....then we got up and said..."hey why are we fighting? what are we fighting about?" some where i also lost my favoirte fucking beanie,,,,arrrrg...im buying another one..so we got back into the car and sat there for 5 mins ya know to serve our penalty for fighting...i got 2 min for instegating...dont worry folks were fine...all in good times..me and him gonna have an nhl 09 tournament tommorow...thinking back what a great way to end a hockey game....but beware of the KOP..unless you want to taste asphalt

all in all great game (the parts i can remember...really shitty we missed out on points...

p.s. thanks for niesy saying she missed me...yay!!!...

p.s.s. im rolling to the next ducks-kings game at the staples center..love that budweiser lounge

p.s.s.s. i got a show tommorow with my band..email me if anyone is intrested

p.s.s.s.s. special thanx to KOP for letting me post this....you guys missed out not joining us at the budwieser lounge

The King of Ptown aka MMA figher extrondinare, part time cage fighter....full time ladies man

Poll

should the King of Ptown kick spades ass again?

Yes

19 votes

no

5 votes

no just pee in his drink when hes not looking

37 votes

61 votes | Poll has closed

Ducks fans - Who wants to go to Staples tonight?

2010-02-04T22:29:59Z

I've an overwhelming desire to go to tonight's game, but all my friends are busy. I'm willing to comp some cheap 300 seats, if buddies (2 would be best) are willing to drive and pay for parking. I figure it's only fair since I'm spotting for the tickets. I'm down in Irvine but am willing to drive anywhere in Orange County to meet up. Let me know soon before all the tix are snatched!

Thoughts from yesterday and some for today

2010-02-03T15:04:16Z

Hey I could have covered up my mask but I love the ducks so much I didnt....go duu...I mean Leafs...or is it Leaves?

Since Earl is gonna be late on his post today and I only work 5 hrs of the 10 hrs Im suppose to work..I need a post now to rant...as the other ducks post is 3 or 4 posts down and peoples short attention span will cause them not to go there to comment anyways

thoughts on yesterday(please add your own in the comments):

- great to see Jiggy get that shutout (and wear the ducks helmet)..like hiller jiggy stepped up to the "moment" and grabbed it...turned away 30 shots and was the first star...glad he is happy...and he gets to see frenchie in the shower now again yay!!

-I need to stop critizing the sharks..everytime I do they go prove me wrong..I talked shit about awkward Marleau and what does he do drop a 2-goal performance on the ducks...I talk about how there stupid and will win against the team the ducks are chasing...and what do they do? go and get rolled by the wings...Ive always wanted a sharks tatto anyways...so I will get one to appease those assholes (i mentioned this before to lazy to go back and link)

-damn kings won again..fuckers..and we get them hot on thursday wiuth us playing the nite before..fantastic...but maybe well be hot as well...maybe 2 ghost faced hilla shutouts in a row...u have to think hilla notice jiggy trying to one-up him last nite...he wants to prove hes the better goaltender...i dont think to be an ass..just friend competition..ghost faced said they were good friends off the ice...i somehow doubt that...I mean at work..if u knew someguy was gonna eventually take your job...I dont care what kind ball tickle the guy could give...u have to end up dispising that guy

as for today:

-like i mentioned ghost faced hilla should be motivated as should blake (now #33 not the earl sleek #26) brokenyard mentioned joe dipienta tee-hee...anyways..and blake will also have motivation on thursday because hes a former king wants to show them somthing and of course ill be there and muthafucka better please me bitch!! and ill help motivate him by saying this (from the prophecy):

"I'm SPADE. I kill firstborns while their mamas watch. I turn cities into salt. I even, when I feel like it, rip the souls out from little girls. And from now to kingdom come, the only thing you can count on in your existence is never understanding why."

yea blake try not showing up for that thursday game now!!..i think the last part is the most bad ass part..yea im gonna do all that..and then not tell u why..thats how I roll..thats how I be..ill let u speculate forever...stone cold shit brotha

-ducks have been good at home ice so i feel pretty decent about todays game..plus the wings played yesterday and we always seem to "show up" for the wings..we lit up howard last time...so u gotta feel good..although he might not start

-does anyone know what meat curtians are? I do...but would like your speculation

that is all over and out!!

Ducks: Possible Combinations for 3 Scoring Lines?

2010-02-01T23:47:06Z

I wanted to pose the following question to Battle of California fans. Assuming that the Ducks are completely healthy (this includes the return of Joffrey Lupul), would it be wise for the Ducks to attempt to have three scoring lines? I know it's been talked about a lot in the early part of the season, and while that experiment failed, the topic has come back up again with the addition of Jason Blake. What would your possible line combinations be for these lines? Don't worry about adding the fourth liners for this unless you want to include it.

I honestly believe that Lupul would have to be playing for us to have 3 bonafide scoring lines. Here's my lousy attempt at coaching with the lines in no particular order:

Jason Blake - Ryan Getzlaf - Corey Perry
Bobby Ryan - Saku Koivu - Dan Sexton
Joffrey Lupul - Petteri Nokelainen - Teemu Selanne

I think Blake can do well on the top line. He seems like he'd be sort of like Chris Kunitz. Hopefully he can agitate, get in on the forecheck, hit, and go to the front of the net. That would work well with the top line.

I really liked what the Ryan - Koivu - Sexton line was doing, so I have a hard time breaking them up here, although RC has done it a lot lately.

And seriously, when Selanne was back from his first injury, he was playing really well with Nokelainen. I think they worked well together.

Some other things to note, on the left side, I think all of these players are pretty much interchangeable because they bring different strengths and playing types to all the lines. Lupul was on an absolute tear when he was on the top line until he decided to stop feeling his legs - so maybe he should be put there. We all know that Ryan can play on the top line. The only question is Blake because we haven't seen him yet; but like I stated previously, I think he'd be like Kunitz on that line and fill in quite nicely.

As far as the right side, I think Selanne and Sexton are interchangeable here although I think Sexton will be hurt the most by being moved away from Koivu.

Personally, I like what I've put together, but what do I really know. I only know that as long as Todd Marchant isn't centering what we're calling a scoring line, then we're in good shape. I think that was the biggest mistake at the beginning of the season with the 3 scoring line experiment.

What do you think?

A Question for you Kings Fans

2010-01-30T19:41:11Z

As you can tell by the name, I'm what you'd call an alcoholic; aka a Leafs fan. So all we hear about is who we are trading and what we can reasonably expect to get for them in return.

But right now, I'm more interested in the Kings, since you guys are in a place that you haven't been for a while. There are many rumours out there about Dean Lombardi going after Kovalchuk and Lecavailer (but ultimately only getting one of the two).

Now the price that is being rumoured is something that I find to be extremely high. So I'm wondering what the fans think of getting a player like that for what you'd have to give up.

The rumours I've heard for Kovalchuk include Jack Johnson, Wayne Simmonds, Brayden Schenn + prospects and/or picks.

For Lecavailer, I've heard Johnson, Simmonds a prospect or two in and around the level of Teubert/Hickey and several picks.

Now, I'm a really big fan of the players that Dean Lombardi has assembled for this team. And if I were a fan, I wouldn't be comfortable with Johnson or Schenn being traded. In my books, Hickey should be available since you guys already have Johnson and Doughty. Tuebert is a maybe, but I really like him. Moeller can go too if it leads to the right player. And that pretty much leaves just picks to be traded to get a top flight player.

So my question for you Kings fans is which one of Kovalchuk and Lecavailer do you prefer, and at what price? And also if you are comfortable with a guy like Johnson or Schenn being traded to get one of those players.

Battle of California T-shirts order yours now!!

2010-01-20T23:51:41Z

Bored in the rain...so I thought Id make up some t-shirt ideas..Id like suggestions.. my favorite is the last one...because of recent events...gooooo ducks!!! i want it to be a fanpost so im gonna blab a win thursday would really do wonders for our team...i dont think we will but shit..beating those fuckers down so many forwards...would be gravy..ok am I at 75 words? GO DUCKS!!! now i am!!

heres the link till i get earl to fix the pic

http://s3.amazonaws.com/twitpic/photos/full/58768730.jpg?AWSAccessKeyId=0ZRYP5X5F6FSMBCCSE82&Expires=1264033287&Signature=HeY0i4voz1X%2F5Ud9nQjg78IgT2k%3D

Click image to enlarge.

Just when you think your ahead someone steps on your nuts

2010-01-11T17:19:46Z

Just when you think your ahead someone steps on your nuts...as ive mentioned the year started

off poor for me...the ducks were in a freefall..the steelers were elminated..and i had to get an ugly

fucking tattoo on myself...but in the meantime i somehow was saving money...I hadent notced but i

took a look at my account and whola i was ahead.(dont u love that)..i had gotten lucky with comign

in 2nd in fantasy football...got some other bonus type shit...i started feeling good...my favorite band

of all muthafuckin time soundgraden annouces there gettingn back together...yay.then the ducks

rip off 4 in a row....holy shit...yay...i feel like that old grandpa on willy wonkas chocolate factory "i

got a golden ticket"!

I couldnt find the old grampa but u get the picture

so I thought hey maybe things are looking up and the 1st of the year bad luck was just

temporary...i felt like finding some kind of mary poppins soundtrack and listening over and over...so

after practice sunday (which was an excellent one by the way)....i also have the pleasure of going to hooters for our end of the season fantasy football party...im on a super high...i get to collect my

winnings..and get to see some beautiful hooters and tight asses..."ive got a golden ticket"....woohoo..i get off the freeway...i can see hooters across the street already....Im whistling..."i got a gloden ticket"...my buddies already have arrived waiting for me

and then...craaaaaaaaaash

[Sleek edit: I've added the picture in case the link doesn't work:]

http://web1.twitpic.com/img/56551236-267140625b3574006d2013f4c168d634.4b4b5dd8-scaled.jpg

i ram into the back of a truck with a hitch...luckily i do zero damage to his truck...but my truck is fucked up as u can see if u follow the link...bumper screwed with some body damage...of course im in plain veiw of my buddies and our fine waitress to add salt to the wound..the guy was an older dufus...he could have been cool and said...since nothing happend to my truck...i wont be a dick and not call my insurance...but he said..um i gonna get it checked out...(serioulsly not a fuckin scratch)...and then he aasks um...were u on the phone? fuck you...(no i didnt say that..i just said no i wasnt)

so after the accident..i walk into hooters..(and get a hard on of course even in my pissed off state) and the fellas look at me like someone just died..subsequently it was the first time ever i visited a hooters and did not get totally smashed....i did still gawk all day...

oh this is a hockey blog ?section
my only comfort was to get home in time (with my fucked up vehicle) and watch hiller dominate and the ducks forwards...our D still sucks big balls...and we might need to pick up a stay at home d man to at least attempt to clear some people out....gawd we are such a better team healthy

Self promotion section:
I got a show the 23rd in case anyone wants to see me rock my ass off (see flyer)..just dont ask me to drive

http://s3.amazonaws.com/twitpic/photos/large/55334407.jpg?AWSAccessKeyId=0ZRYP5X5F6FSMBCCSE82&Expires=1263234385&Signature=jMu1lALzG%2B7wrUK63gGWONdJ%2FqI%3D.jpg

Feb 3 against those RW

2010-01-10T23:27:46Z

I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that most of you didn't participate in John T Meyer's "Pick my NHL team" extravaganza, but that's okay. The fans have picked, and just like in voting for the All-Stars, the Ducks fans creamed the other teams and John is now a Ducks fan. Of course the "search" began with the Ducks back in November, so we had a head start.

ANYWAY, John is coming to Anaheim (he's from South Dakota) and he's hoping to get at least 20 fans together to face the Red Wings on Feb 3. The reason for 20 fans is the discounted ticket pricing. Here's the Facebook link if you'd like to purchase one of the group tickets and attend the game.

Developing Player Value: Penalty +/- per 15 Minutes (PPMp15)

2010-01-07T18:33:20Z

I am an admirer of stat geeks of any sport, simply because they do some crazy stuff to try to assess value and can usually confirm my suspicion that Ales Kotalik is worthless. In fact, many puckheads would probably be delighted to know some of their least favorite players (Hal Gill, David Koci, Richard "NHL's Worst Player" Zemlak) were, in fact, statistically crappy as well. So, we here at Bettman's Nightmare are debating, fussing, swearing (sometimes while drinking, sometimes not), and trying to calculate our own way to a metric for assessing player values. A lot of hockey analysts have team analyses down to an art form, but heckling can be much more effective when you have singular targets.

Thanks to that wonderful stats site Behind the Net and others like it, information on player's abilities to draw penalties has become much more accessible to the average beer drinker. But drawing penalties is really only halfway there for us; the ability to draw penalties can only be a virtue for a player if he also doesn't take many penalties. Guys like Tomas Holmstrom draw minor penalties, but if they also get called for a lot of minors, they actually don't gain much (which is fine, because I don't like the Wings).

After the jump, your NHL winners and losers of PPMp15...

So, for this particular chunk of player value, I took Behind the Net's data on penalties drawn (mind you, these are minor penalties) per 60 minutes and subtracted the penalties committed per 60. Thankfully, BTN subtracts coincidental minors in the process; but I wasn't really satisfied with a metric out of 60 minutes, because it actually lets us know what the player did if he played 60 minutes of the game. So, I chopped that down by taking the total from the subtraction, dividing by 4, and bringing us to a more starter-of-the-game-like 15 minutes. Thus, our shiny new metric will give us an idea of how effective or ineffective that player is on a game-to-game basis of gaining power-play opportunities for the ice hockey squad.

For the purposes of this year, I set the minimum games played at 30 to weed out rooks, goons, and gimps.

So, who's the modern-day Esa Tikkanen?

God, he reminds me of Jack Black...

PPMp15 Leaders, 2009-10 (so far)

1. Dustin Brown, Kings .48 PPMp15
2. Zach Parise, Lucifer .40
3. Matt Bradley, The Bandwagon .35
4. Tuomo Ruutu, 'Canes .35
5. Cal Clutterbuck, Adjectives .35
6. Devin Setoguchi, Jaws .35

PPMp15 Leaders Of Not-Being-Good-At-This, 2009-10

1. Nick Boynton, Quacks -.45 PPMp15
2. Hal Gill, Bleu, Blanc, et Rouge -.43
3. Cam Barker, 'Hawks -.40
4. Kent Huskins, Jaws -.35
5. Aaron Ward, 'Canes -.35
6. Craig Rivet, Butter Knives -.35

As you can see, from game to game Dusty Brown is much more likely to gain power-play opportunities for his team, while guys like Boynton and Gill are more likely to hurt their teams.

While it's not the entire of players' abilities, PPMp15 is a skill that gives teams extraordinary opportunities (18-19% PP conversion rates) and should not be overlooked when it comes to contributing to a team's ability to win.

And then you can appreciate the effort when Derek Boogaard or Sean Avery tries to draw a penalty and fails miserably. And by "appreciate," I mean laugh at those monstrosities.

P.S. Any ideas for a better acronym than "PPMp15"? It's just not very catchy, although when you say all the letters it sounds like 50 Cents' "P.I.M.P."

P.P.S. Here's the link at Behind the Net where I got my data.

P.P.P.S Here's the link to my original post, at Bettman's Nightmare.

Fiddler Paid...Can we start this new year over? Art of Spade-i-cide

2010-01-04T14:47:34Z

Well the Fiddler was Paid on saturday about 10:45 am (I didnt pay actual money the asshole happily gave it to me for free..my text one though was only 20 bucks plus tip)...He reminded me that we did discuss it had to be on the arm...so sorry ladies of the Boc I wasnt able to get it on my ass as you all hoped..but maybe ill take an ass pic for shits and giggles later..or ill get "big" on one butt cheek...and sexy on the other" if sexton ever pans out.....he tried to make me pay 200 to not get the tatto..but im a broke bitch plus i pay my bets. I figured its a good reminder not to make bets with a tattoo artist...(typing this i realizes i mispelled tattoo..owell...typical spade)...so i was able to jew him and get him to agree to put it on my leg

this is a great photo for today since I look so sad and degraded and our ducks laid 2 eggs this weekend...also my steelers got eliminated from playoff contention...hurrah!! great start to the new year?

I guess we blame injuries right?...the lack of playmaking is shining like a new tattoo...our forwards cant keep possesion of the puck for more than 2 seconds...there working hard no doubt and nickelodeon got a little reward for that....but when our best line is the 4th line over 2 games..theres a problem..playing the hawks a team full of talent and playmakers on both the forward and D lines..this was highlighted

Another thing I heard this saturday was Barry troz on the radio Describing the ducks and he mentioned what jumps out is the lack of definition from ducks teams of the past...he knows the ducks as 2 offensive lines with a checking plus the energy...that hasnt been the case for 2 years but still makes the point..we had an identity..

my outlook is grim cuz who knows when well be fully healthy..its hard to believe it will be in time to make up enough ground...its time to find out who wants to be here and who doesnt....and ill still be foolishly watching because i love hockey and my steelers are eliminated and the lakers dont play any meaningful games for awhile....but yes Spade-i-cide..I want to saw off my right leg "Saw" style to slowly kill myself and of course to get rid of this ugly tattoo..

p.s.

Karlos (the asshole christain rocker tattoo artist) said I gotta wear this for a year..then I can black it out or alter it...Ive heard some suggestions..right now Im going with a red circle with a line thru it...I could also put a steelers logo next to it and commemorate one of the 3 superbowls we palyed against them..suggestions welcome

email me if u need a tat...as much of an asshole as he is hes good and reasonably priced...ill hook u with his contact info..my email freshtendrils4@yahoo.com

p.s.s.

Mike Chen Asked there was any sapde wackiness on New years...I was too sloshed to remember much (patron shots aplenty) I did run into a wall pretty violently...it was the walls fault for being in my way..I partied witht he King of Ptown and he even got drunk enough to sport my ducks beenie..unfortuntly I didnt snap a pic of it...and he kicked my ass in Nhl 09 all nite....seems the ducks cant even win in video games either

GO DUCKS!!!!

Signage

2010-01-04T04:01:18Z

Finally got the pics! I tried to make the M look like bacon, but I dunno.

Also, someone called him WayneTrain on the Insider today, so yay. Some badass assonance there. (Shut up, it's a real word)

Besides horror films, "Midnight Meat Train" also makes me think of Journey. I kept humming it a lot during the game. Damn you, Glee!

Anyway, getting to go to that Wild game also got me thinking: attending King games in the womb probably predisposed me to a tragic outlook, but that needs to change. Enough with the gloom and the doom and the emo bun tude, people. Plus, my mom and I got to reminiscing about the Calgary and Vancouver playoff games we attended in '93 (man, we yelled like crazy when we eliminated those suckers) and I realized I had witnessed some pretty magnificent Kings moments, so I won't stop believin'. And if I'm going to have an anthem, it'd better be cheesetastic.

Go Meat!

Kings Youth is Served!

2010-01-01T22:14:27Z

Following yesterday's news about Drew Doughty bumping the likes of Mike Green and Dion Phaneuf from team Canada, Dustin Brown, Jonathon Quick and in a surprise Jack Johnson were added to Team USA. Johnson is not near Doughty in terms of development or overall hockey sense but he has been solid enough. This is great news for Kings fans in terms of having the team's young core participating in the olympics with all the learning opportunities it will provide.

In Rudy's appearent absence I'm posting this chest pounding reminder that the Kings are the team of the future in Cali.

Go Kings! Links anyone?

Meet Ralph the SnowDuck

2009-12-31T22:05:24Z

I took the train from the city to spend New Year's Eve/Day with my uncle's family in Connecticut. It was snowing in New York when I left, and about six inches had accumulated by the time I got to CT. It was The Perfect Snow, the kind that is light and powdery but still packable. It makes that delicious, satisfying crunch under your feet, and it's great for snowballs, snow forts, and ... SnowDucks.

Happy New Year, BoC! And...

Time to Pay the Fiddler

2009-12-29T16:35:57Z

This is the Text I got Sunday nite:

"Cowboy tattoo this week Puto!"

that was from my tattoo artist asshole cowboys fan. of course his dallas cowboys have got to the required 10 wins to win the bet. (in case u forgot or are new..we betted the first team cowboys or steelers that get to 10 wins the loser has to get the other teams logo tattooed on them)

"time to pay the fiddler"

of course Im a bitch and want to weasel out of it somehow...so i need your help coming up with an excuse to get out of it...I would put up a poll but my work for some reason wont let me use the "attach poll" option...doesnt let me use the image one either i have to manuallly do it thru html...but whatever fuck you work cock blocking assholes

here are some excuses I came up with..feel free to add or vote:

I can't get a tattoo because:

1. Just had surgery and the doctor said so (this is kinda true)

2. I just saw my friend get one and he got infected so Im traumatized

3. football isnt a real sport so it wasnt a real bet

4. I get aroused when you stick a needle in me...you dont want me getting a hard on and thinking impure thoughts about u when giving me a tatto right?

5. my dog ate my bet paying conscience

6. a star tattoo is against my religon (hes a christain rocker so he could be sympathetic)

7. ill tell everyone your really a woman if you give me the tat

8. you didnt say were so give it to me on my ass..i will fart thru the whole session this one im gonna actually try

9. ill get a fake one and say look i already got one...so i dont need one...ill mention u didnt say who had to give it to me

10. ill have my mom call him and say i died...but hes not invited to the funeral cuz i always thought he was an asshole

If I do end up getting one I promise to get a pic and post it here...lets hope Im able to get on my ass for pure comedy purposes

oh shit this is a hockey blog? ok heres my hockey take

the sharks can eat shit and die

GO DUCKS!!!