Battle of California: FanPosts

LA Kings: Game 4 Recap

2013-05-07T06:03:54Z

This clearly isn't the 2012 playoffs

The Kings have made this obvious, because if it was, Barrett Jackman would've walked on the plane back to St. Louis with this same stupid fucking look on his face.

via assets.sbnation.com

Unfortunately this isn't 2012, but it is 2013 and TJ Oshie has more goals than Kopitar does this series. But it's okay because Tgays were irrelevant.

via stream1.gifsoup.com

Who names their kid TJ anyways?

I guess it's all okay because the Slovenian Prince, Anze Kopitar, finished putting the dark circles underneath his eyes and scored a goal that was more relevant than David Backes' measly existence

via 25.media.tumblr.com

This guys seriously makes 4 and a half million dollars a year?

Dustin Penner

via emob1332.photobucket.com

Ah classic Penner

Seriously, Penner actually had a solid game contributing with a goal, some stone hand dekes, and solid hits like when he laid out that ass muncher oshie. But all and all Penner had a solid game that makes Ducks and Oilers fans think to themselves, "Fuck yourself Penner."

But honestly, lets make Colombus' year ad make this happen

via lh5.googleusercontent.com

Look at that sunset..

Next day post game prediction:

Ken Hitchcock puts the blame entirely on Tarasenko and he eats him. Halak will pull another groin and Dustin Brown will be suspended for "intent to injure". Darryl Sutter will talk about cows in a press conference and the Colombus franchise will burn down Jeff Carter's house.

This clearly isn't the 2012 playoffs

The Kings have made this obvious, because if it was, Barrett Jackman would've walked on the plane back to St. Louis with this same stupid fucking look on his face.

via assets.sbnation.com

Unfortunately this isn't 2012, but it is 2013 and TJ Oshie has more goals than Kopitar does this series. But it's okay because Tgays were irrelevant.

via stream1.gifsoup.com

Who names their kid TJ anyways?

I guess it's all okay because the Slovenian Prince, Anze Kopitar, finished putting the dark circles underneath his eyes and scored a goal that was more relevant than David Backes' measly existence

via 25.media.tumblr.com

This guys seriously makes 4 and a half million dollars a year?

Dustin Penner

via emob1332.photobucket.com

Ah classic Penner

But honestly, lets make Colombus' year ad make this happen

via lh5.googleusercontent.com

Look at that sunset..

Next day post game prediction:

Week 15: El burrito de la victoria

2013-05-06T22:17:06Z

ievans speaks to the DARE class, keepin' it real with the teenz.

ievans: Yo, teenz. I'm here to give you the straightest dope about dope. For reals. Twitter, sexting, etc.

Teenz: This guy clearly knows how to talk to us. Let's listen!

ievans: So let's get right to it, home slices. Your state-mandated DARE classes have given you all kinds of questionable facts about drugs and probably some super exciting videos to watch. These are all rad. But I'm not here to repeat all of that. That'd be super un-rad of me.

Teenz: You have our rapt attention, cool adult.

ievans: There are three things, and only three things you need to know about drugs.

Teenz: This sounds like the kind of over-simplification we're used to when adults talk to us about our issues!

ievans: For shizzle. First, if you want to "use" drugs, you're going to have to either interact with some incredible skeezy dumbasses, in places that are probably dangerous, so FIND A BOLD FRIEND NOW TO DEAL WITH THAT SHIT SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

Teenz: Solid!

ievans: Cool. Twitter. Now, second, STUDY HARD BECAUSE THE BEST DRUGS ARE KINDA PRICEY, AND IT'S MORE FUN TO DO THEM WHEN YOU'VE GOT MONEY.

Teenz: I'm inspired.

ievans: Neat! Ok, now the final, and most important point. DO NOT LOOK AT THIS GIF OF PATRICK MARLEAU WHILE ON ANY KIND OF DRUGS! It will ruin your life.

Teenz: This was sext. Thanks, ievans!

ievans: Totes no prob, teenz.

Pure MDMA: the highest rated comment

Holy shit, Meg. We have a new record!

The less Spade knows about how vaginas work, the safer we all are.

Fresh shrooms: the best of the rest

whine_country makes history come alive!

> My wife’s pregnant and I’m not the father. That was George Vancouver’s Nookie crisis.

So many good comments this week. Such grit and heart. Because it's the playoffs! And if any pencil-necked stat heads want to challenge me on this point, I'll listen carefully and see if your methodology is sound before deciding whether I should rethink things.

brokenyard wows us with some next-generation special effects:

Bruce Boudreau, with that trademark twinkle in his eye.

Jibblescribbits stops by to share Shane Doan eating pipe for Jesus.

Messenger of peace
I really wish you California folks could just forget all your differences and get along. So in that spirit here’s something all you Cali teams can enjoy: Shane Doan eating a face-full of iron:

Jer writes the saddest short story ever written:

Bruce Beardreau

Jesse Knutson breaks the Gordian knot of "when was Jennifer Connelley hottest?" with:

I would recommend Space Bowie from Labyrinth.
That chick is glam.

PCP cut with Barkeeper's Friend: the worst comment

Well, this was easy, despite some hilarious drive-bys from outside commenters unfamiliar with humor. Latinoheat channels Judson's enraged lizard brain, starting a chain of events that allowed Spade to burn down the BoC Reichstag and seize power.

ievans speaks to the DARE class, keepin' it real with the teenz.

ievans: Yo, teenz. I'm here to give you the straightest dope about dope. For reals. Twitter, sexting, etc.

Teenz: This guy clearly knows how to talk to us. Let's listen!

Teenz: You have our rapt attention, cool adult.

ievans: There are three things, and only three things you need to know about drugs.

Teenz: This sounds like the kind of over-simplification we're used to when adults talk to us about our issues!

Teenz: Solid!

ievans: Cool. Twitter. Now, second, STUDY HARD BECAUSE THE BEST DRUGS ARE KINDA PRICEY, AND IT'S MORE FUN TO DO THEM WHEN YOU'VE GOT MONEY.

Teenz: I'm inspired.

ievans: Neat! Ok, now the final, and most important point. DO NOT LOOK AT THIS GIF OF PATRICK MARLEAU WHILE ON ANY KIND OF DRUGS! It will ruin your life.

Teenz: This was sext. Thanks, ievans!

ievans: Totes no prob, teenz.

Pure MDMA: the highest rated comment

Holy shit, Meg. We have a new record!

The less Spade knows about how vaginas work, the safer we all are.

Fresh shrooms: the best of the rest

whine_country makes history come alive!

> My wife’s pregnant and I’m not the father. That was George Vancouver’s Nookie crisis.

brokenyard wows us with some next-generation special effects:

Bruce Boudreau, with that trademark twinkle in his eye.

Jibblescribbits stops by to share Shane Doan eating pipe for Jesus.

Messenger of peace
I really wish you California folks could just forget all your differences and get along. So in that spirit here’s something all you Cali teams can enjoy: Shane Doan eating a face-full of iron:

Jer writes the saddest short story ever written:

Bruce Beardreau

Jesse Knutson breaks the Gordian knot of "when was Jennifer Connelley hottest?" with:

I would recommend Space Bowie from Labyrinth.
That chick is glam.

PCP cut with Barkeeper's Friend: the worst comment

Poll

What did we learn this week?

20 years into the mass popularity of the internet, and sarcasm is still beyond comprehension. Maybe we'll figure it out in year 21?

6 votes

It's all fun and games until Dustin Brown comes to your toddler's birthday party and starts fore-arm shivering the kids. What an asshole!

5 votes

Canadians will politely tolerate your mild chirping, then have some sort of quiet aneurism before erupting into the mother of all frothing rages.

2 votes

After they retire, Corey Perry and Jimmy Howard should team up for a HILARIOUSLY violent, physical comedy movie.

1 votes

Patrick Marleau: the goofiest, most awkward dingelberry around, and also better than you.

7 votes

Sextagram twitter hashtag social #teenz #cool

2 votes

23 votes | Poll has closed

LA Kings Gameday: May 6, 2013

2013-05-06T15:30:21Z

Another one goal game

I'm sure you all know what today is. A playoff game for the Kings, which means another 1 goal performance. I as a Kings fan love these 1 goal games. I love when we miss blatent chances to score and make Brian Elliot look like Viktor Fasth in the second week of the season.

#PRAYFORKOPITAR

via viewfrommyseats.com

Well what happened to this?

Let's just take a second to look at this Slovenian Prince's stats...

Kopitar had 8 goals in 20 games last playoffs... This last regular season he had 10 in 48. That's fucking god awful #PrayForKopitar

This may be the LA Kings biggest playoff issue is Kopitar too busy working on his English on the bench, and not putting the puck past Elliott with ease like this

via www.washingtonpost.com

Like honestly is he even trying?

Tonight's game prediction

Anze Kopitar breaks his scoring drought by beating Quick in the upper left corner. Being down 1-0 in this situation, Daryll Sutter listens to Kings fans on twitter and pulls Jonathan Quick and sends him to Manchester. This sparks the team and causes Dwight King to have a three goal night. Barrett Jackman will score on a dump on a penalty kill but it won't be enough to stop Dwight King and the Kings. 3-2 win and the the series will head to St. Louis tied.

via i.huffpost.com

Never forget Dwight King.. Never forget.

Another one goal game

#PRAYFORKOPITAR

via viewfrommyseats.com

Well what happened to this?

Let's just take a second to look at this Slovenian Prince's stats...

Kopitar had 8 goals in 20 games last playoffs... This last regular season he had 10 in 48. That's fucking god awful #PrayForKopitar

This may be the LA Kings biggest playoff issue is Kopitar too busy working on his English on the bench, and not putting the puck past Elliott with ease like this

via www.washingtonpost.com

Like honestly is he even trying?

Tonight's game prediction

via i.huffpost.com

Never forget Dwight King.. Never forget.

Week 14: El burrito de la victoria

2013-04-30T00:27:06Z

Uggh. Work. Bullshit. No time to talk. Watch a GBV video featuring awesome '90s mid-length shorts and ugly drunks throwing shit from a wagon.

Bee Thousand: the highest rated comment

Another tie this week.

Mako's job as BoC Greeter is a rousing success:

> As a Stars fan, I must say this article is excellent!
You’ve crossed the line. Get out.

deb d puns the shit out of this giant gif:

I know it ain't technically a coyote, but use your f'n imagination

Alien Lanes: the best of the rest

Last Place Finnish provides us with Tommy Wiggles:

For your listening pleasure:
THE TOMMY WIGGLES!

Honorable mentions to:

Spade is all about transparency:

> Will Spade be open about how he uses his bone?
yes

whine_country picks his spot and roofs it:

> I watched Rudy the other night
Did he see you?

Mako gives a chilling prediction of our robot future:

> Fuck metrics, WHAT DO THE DRONES SAY???
"HIT SOMEBODY!"

Half Smiles of the Decomposed: the worst comment

hub.cap.986 may not use the "f" word, but he sure gave us a thing or two to think about.

Stars go out - WHINY, REALLY ??
Sounds like some little, WHINY, SPOILED CALI, SILICON VALLEY, DOOOOOOOSH WROTE THIS ARTICLE. Puck YOU!! Yoiu agve us Barack Obama, SO PUCK YOU !!!! GooooALLLL, CUP !!!! We got it, you ain’t got it. I remember that 2008 playoff series, when Brendan Morrow LAID THE PUCK OUT, Milan Michalek like he stepped on a tampon !!! And then, guess what, Brendan Morrow scored the GWG at 1:45 am. So go PUCK yourself beeeotch!!!!!

Uggh. Work. Bullshit. No time to talk. Watch a GBV video featuring awesome '90s mid-length shorts and ugly drunks throwing shit from a wagon.

Bee Thousand: the highest rated comment

Another tie this week.

Mako's job as BoC Greeter is a rousing success:

> As a Stars fan, I must say this article is excellent!
You’ve crossed the line. Get out.

deb d puns the shit out of this giant gif:

I know it ain't technically a coyote, but use your f'n imagination

Alien Lanes: the best of the rest

Last Place Finnish provides us with Tommy Wiggles:

For your listening pleasure:
THE TOMMY WIGGLES!

Honorable mentions to:

Spade is all about transparency:

> Will Spade be open about how he uses his bone?
yes

whine_country picks his spot and roofs it:

> I watched Rudy the other night
Did he see you?

Mako gives a chilling prediction of our robot future:

> Fuck metrics, WHAT DO THE DRONES SAY???
"HIT SOMEBODY!"

Half Smiles of the Decomposed: the worst comment

hub.cap.986 may not use the "f" word, but he sure gave us a thing or two to think about.

Stars go out - WHINY, REALLY ??
Sounds like some little, WHINY, SPOILED CALI, SILICON VALLEY, DOOOOOOOSH WROTE THIS ARTICLE. Puck YOU!! Yoiu agve us Barack Obama, SO PUCK YOU !!!! GooooALLLL, CUP !!!! We got it, you ain’t got it. I remember that 2008 playoff series, when Brendan Morrow LAID THE PUCK OUT, Milan Michalek like he stepped on a tampon !!! And then, guess what, Brendan Morrow scored the GWG at 1:45 am. So go PUCK yourself beeeotch!!!!!

Poll

What did we learn this week?

Dallas Stars fans, man. Dallas Stars fans.

10 votes

Spade's been hired to put the man in Menless Airplanes, I guess?

1 votes

There is no practical difference between a fork, a pencil, and a semi-automatic assault rifle with armor-piercing hollow point bullets.

7 votes

The data is clear: we need to ban Jason Pominville's face immediately.

6 votes

While it was a good premise, the local community theater's production of "The Drug-filled Vagina Monologues" ended up being kind of underwhelming.

4 votes

By the 4th or 5th Circle Jerk, the thrill is gone, but dammit you're going to finish anyway.

6 votes

34 votes | Poll has closed

more changes for spade and ducks thoughts

2013-04-29T14:49:25Z

first off congrats to all the cali teams in making the playoffs...theres a good chance one of the teams is gonna fall flat on their erect dicks and everyone expects that team to be the ducks..we ducks fans are used to people underestimating so blow me...

they will point to the mini 2 game sweep by the wings and hang there scrotum on that...but the ducks coasted IMO and will put forth a good effort on tues. Will they win the series? hard to say cuz the wings are a quality team...but we eeek it by angies protruding nipple in 7 games

now I do have some news although I gave it away already..

I got a new job....IN PALMDALE...which means Ill be moving from vegas to palmdale...

ok ok....enough laughing...fine...keep laughing...just tell me when your done

outside of chronic tacos, crazy autos and this crazy gift store that sells fair food and nazi memorbilia called charlie browns...its kinda victorhell all over again...

spade-in-palmhell!

after toobin on lake mead yesterday

keeping my locs on like a boss..

...getting plowed on fremont and getting cheap fills on friday (50 cent beers!)

...a 30 food truck bonaza at the silverton on saturday

they called it the gangsta cheese melt for some reason had mac n cheese in it..brisket and something else..they had sushi burritos and some other cool shit fusion food whatever that means

...plus other good times in vegas..meeting lesbians...crooked hot bartenders..

arepas from heaven

near the stratosphere tell em spade sent ya

...betting on sports...most shit open 24 hours...bar on every corner....bands playing every nite...

cigar bars

the havana house was a favorite

..visiting every irish, english and german pub/resturant in town...have to wonder why id ever leave such an awesome place...for the desert shithole that is palmdale

well besides leaving a place that has grown me fatter and fucked up my liver and wallet...good reasons in itself..the job is well better...its a pretty big promotion that i just couldnt pass up....

I had a blast though living it up like I only could and Ill miss it...tear....and ill only be 3 hrs away but now knowing all the joints to hit up....Ill have 2 weeks off between jobs so hopefully the ducks for that sake of that at least get past the first round in the meanwhile ill be home all day to watch all hockey all day on this mini-vacation..I also plan to go to watch parties if I can so my fee to attend your stikin party is...well just beer and 2 min fluff job

go ducks and go california....Im coming back ..well if you count palmdale as california cuz well it doesnt feel very cali...but whatever the city is not cali's best effort.

OOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTT!

keeping my locs on like a boss..

...getting plowed on fremont and getting cheap fills on friday (50 cent beers!)

...a 30 food truck bonaza at the silverton on saturday

they called it the gangsta cheese melt for some reason had mac n cheese in it..brisket and something else..they had sushi burritos and some other cool shit fusion food whatever that means

...plus other good times in vegas..meeting lesbians...crooked hot bartenders..

arepas from heaven

near the stratosphere tell em spade sent ya

...betting on sports...most shit open 24 hours...bar on every corner....bands playing every nite...

cigar bars

the havana house was a favorite

Poll

spade is an idiot for leaving vegas for palmdale

yes

10 votes

no im a meth head and love Palmdale

15 votes

shut up and be my tour guide in vegas

9 votes

34 votes | Poll has closed

2nd round BoC Fantasy Recap

2013-04-24T22:57:38Z

This one is going to be quick, because I forgot to do it earlier and now I am busy.

	G	A	+/-	PIM	PPP	SHP	GWG	SOG	FW	HIT	BLK	GS	W	L	GAA	SV%	SHO	Score
Ponyville Sharks	14	15	9	24	11	0	2	85	125	42	36	6	4	1	2.56	.910	0	8
Certified Ninjas	16	22	29	16	9	0	5	86	113	54	48	5	1	2	3.55	.888	0	7

	G	A	+/-	PIM	PPP	SHP	GWG	SOG	FW	HIT	BLK	GS	W	L	GAA	SV%	SHO	Score
Fournick Gators	8	15	-7	43	7	0	2	95	91	43	33	5	3	2	1.89	.929	0	10
Donald Jer	7	12	-1	31	4	0	0	88	56	37	36	2	1	1	1.52	.942	1	6

Consolation Bracket (the losers)

	G	A	+/-	PIM	PPP	SHP	GWG	SOG	FW	HIT	BLK	GS	W	L	GAA	SV%	SHO	Score
Metal and Brawn	5	12	-4	12	8	0	1	77	73	70	23	4	2	1	3.19	.898	0	6
Sleek and Destroy	8	9	-4	29	2	0	1	106	198	42	22	7	4	2	2.91	.886	0	7

	G	A	+/-	PIM	PPP	SHP	GWG	SOG	FW	HIT	BLK	GS	W	L	GAA	SV%	SHO	Score
Joe Bidens	11	9	2	14	7	0	2	66	137	77	33	1	0	0	1.85	.938	0	8
Windy City Frostbite	8	15	-3	36	8	0	0	90	109	59	31	4	2	0	3.08	.887	0	6

The California Cup Final

3 Ponyville Sharks vs 8 Fournick Gators

3rd Place match

4 Donald Jer vs 7 Certified Ninjas

5th Place match

1 Sleek and Destroy vs 2 Joe Bidens

7th Place match

5 Metal and Brawn vs 6 Windy City Frostbite

Later this week when I'll hopefully have more time I'll try to finish this up.

This one is going to be quick, because I forgot to do it earlier and now I am busy.

	G	A	+/-	PIM	PPP	SHP	GWG	SOG	FW	HIT	BLK	GS	W	L	GAA	SV%	SHO	Score
Ponyville Sharks	14	15	9	24	11	0	2	85	125	42	36	6	4	1	2.56	.910	0	8
Certified Ninjas	16	22	29	16	9	0	5	86	113	54	48	5	1	2	3.55	.888	0	7

	G	A	+/-	PIM	PPP	SHP	GWG	SOG	FW	HIT	BLK	GS	W	L	GAA	SV%	SHO	Score
Fournick Gators	8	15	-7	43	7	0	2	95	91	43	33	5	3	2	1.89	.929	0	10
Donald Jer	7	12	-1	31	4	0	0	88	56	37	36	2	1	1	1.52	.942	1	6

Consolation Bracket (the losers)

	G	A	+/-	PIM	PPP	SHP	GWG	SOG	FW	HIT	BLK	GS	W	L	GAA	SV%	SHO	Score
Metal and Brawn	5	12	-4	12	8	0	1	77	73	70	23	4	2	1	3.19	.898	0	6
Sleek and Destroy	8	9	-4	29	2	0	1	106	198	42	22	7	4	2	2.91	.886	0	7

	G	A	+/-	PIM	PPP	SHP	GWG	SOG	FW	HIT	BLK	GS	W	L	GAA	SV%	SHO	Score
Joe Bidens	11	9	2	14	7	0	2	66	137	77	33	1	0	0	1.85	.938	0	8
Windy City Frostbite	8	15	-3	36	8	0	0	90	109	59	31	4	2	0	3.08	.887	0	6

The California Cup Final

3 Ponyville Sharks vs 8 Fournick Gators

3rd Place match

4 Donald Jer vs 7 Certified Ninjas

5th Place match

1 Sleek and Destroy vs 2 Joe Bidens

7th Place match

5 Metal and Brawn vs 6 Windy City Frostbite

Later this week when I'll hopefully have more time I'll try to finish this up.

Week 13: El burrito de la victoria

2013-04-22T23:59:26Z

I was in New Orleans last week for a couple of days for a sort of micro vacation. I haven't had a non-family related holiday for a while, so even with the usual airline bullshit, it was a nice break.

If you've never been to New Orleans, you're missing out on a really cool city. There are a ton of great restaurants, cool bars, and a shocking amount of musicians and music. But almost none of these things can be found in the place most tourists go in New Orleans, Bourbon Street in the French Quarter, or as I call it, Drunk Fishermans's Wharf.

The ride from the airport has a bunch of billboards for bars on Bourbon Street that all use a kind of frenzied font in bright colors. They either have oddly boring names like The Beach, or nightmare names like Chunder Cove and the Grope Locker ("THREE LOCATIONS ON BOURBON STREET!"). Because you can get liquor to go, many of these bars have kiosks or windows on the street for 22 year olds to purchase their kiddie version of alcoholic drinks, which are brightly colored and often come in novelty plastic containers.

The first time I was in New Orleans, I was shocked at how many kids were drinking something called a Hand Grenade, which comes in a neon green container that looks like a grenade and also has a straw, for fun. My asshole friend bought me one when I wasn't looking. It tasted like Smarties and cheap vodka, and I threw it away after one sip. As my Thunderbird experimentation phase shows, I am not against joke drinks, but this shit was vile, and being consumed en-masse by mostly teenagers and shitheads in their early 20s, but also by strange older couples for reasons I can't even speculate about.

This time around, I spent maybe 15 minutes on Bourbon St, which was about 12 minutes too much. I did see a bus, though, with a name painted on the side that pretty accurately describes a good cross-section of the people on Bourbon St.: Hotard.

Sazerac: the highest rated comment

The Sazerac cocktail is rye whiskey, bitters, and absinthe. It originated in New Orleans, and is one of the the oldest cocktails. Earl gets a Sazerac with his burrito for a thwarted state rape 'toon:

But Rudy also gets one, and Jack Johnson continues to be a punchline:

The Kings used to be synonymous with an object randomly careening back and forth, only stopping when it hit a wall, but then they traded Jack Johnson.

Pimms Cup: the best of the rest

The Pimm's Cup is my favorite cocktail. It's Pimms (an infused liquor), lemon juice, ginger ale, and cucumber. Rudy gets a Pimm's Cup with his burrito for his expert analysis of the Jens Ekman-Larsson and Adam Burish's awkward, fumbling steps toward physical intimacy:

I can see the 9 but Ekman-Larsson is doing a horrible 6.

Honorable mentions to:

Spade for still being intimidated by Jar's size:

> where’s jar jar? i figured he would have opinions on this sort of thing Chopping down beanstalks and making jacks life a living hell

Diamondback15 pre-emptively mocks himself like a true veteran of this blog:

I was going to say no, I just don't like shitty music.
Then I remembered I like Nickelback.

Slotownsharksfan returns to the board with a pretty amazing white guy meme:

The Hand Grenade: the worst comment

I'm going to qualify this a little, as Latinoheat finally learned to stop posting his NAME as the subject line, and actually has been contributing some funny things, but before he stopped self-promoting like a tool he somehow came up with this:

Latinoheat...
um go kings go =/

So, glad you're learning to get along here, Latinoheat, and enjoy the delicious Hand Grenade/burrito combo.

I was in New Orleans last week for a couple of days for a sort of micro vacation. I haven't had a non-family related holiday for a while, so even with the usual airline bullshit, it was a nice break.

Sazerac: the highest rated comment

The Sazerac cocktail is rye whiskey, bitters, and absinthe. It originated in New Orleans, and is one of the the oldest cocktails. Earl gets a Sazerac with his burrito for a thwarted state rape 'toon:

But Rudy also gets one, and Jack Johnson continues to be a punchline:

The Kings used to be synonymous with an object randomly careening back and forth, only stopping when it hit a wall, but then they traded Jack Johnson.

Pimms Cup: the best of the rest

I can see the 9 but Ekman-Larsson is doing a horrible 6.

Honorable mentions to:

Spade for still being intimidated by Jar's size:

> where’s jar jar? i figured he would have opinions on this sort of thing Chopping down beanstalks and making jacks life a living hell

Diamondback15 pre-emptively mocks himself like a true veteran of this blog:

I was going to say no, I just don't like shitty music.
Then I remembered I like Nickelback.

Slotownsharksfan returns to the board with a pretty amazing white guy meme:

The Hand Grenade: the worst comment

Latinoheat...
um go kings go =/

So, glad you're learning to get along here, Latinoheat, and enjoy the delicious Hand Grenade/burrito combo.

Poll

What did we learn this week?

Dunn luvs Skrillex so much, he told us all his nicknames.

3 votes

You're going to get a weird meeting with HR about searching for "fapstep" at work.

3 votes

There is literally no douchebag occupation that Vanilla Ice has not performed at least for a while since "Ice Ice Baby."

2 votes

California's winter weather is humankind's greatest mystery.

9 votes

We have become a nation of Hotards.

9 votes

26 votes | Poll has closed

2 Tickets to Paradise

2013-04-21T03:29:47Z

Yo, so I bought 4 tickets to the sharks at kings for the last game of the 2013 NHL regular season.

My two friends bailed on me so i have the extra two tickets for $40 each. If you are financially challenged we might be able to work something out though. I would preferably give them to someone here instead of posting them for some random person that is going to elbow me all game for the armrest.

I don't really care what team you are a fan of just as long as you aren't a dick to me and my girlfriend for wearing the wrong colors. (actually you can be a dick to me, but not so much my girlfriend)

Having a ducks fan there just heckling both sides would be funny to me and is highly encouraged even though you guys have a game starting right before this one does.

The tickets are in section 322 row 12. So the extreme nosebleeds. I think it is on the side that the kings shoot twice but i would have to look that up to confirm and that's too much effort. Also I bought the tickets online so i can just email them to you so we don't have to stand outside the arena like idiots. I have an email account on my profile if you are interested in the tickets.

I don't have anything funny to say so i will just leave this deleted scene from community here

Yo, so I bought 4 tickets to the sharks at kings for the last game of the 2013 NHL regular season.

Having a ducks fan there just heckling both sides would be funny to me and is highly encouraged even though you guys have a game starting right before this one does.

I don't have anything funny to say so i will just leave this deleted scene from community here

A vent* plus a question

2013-04-20T08:12:45Z

Also I noticed that no cali team was playing tomorrow. *So I wanted to give our bloggers a break, or fill content for them*. Whatever two out of three decide on I guess. Because in 'Merica we have a democracy.

I dated this girl for like, I don't know, a month and a half. Then she decided to TEXT me that she got back with the dad of her babies. The worst part is that about a week before, she got hired to sell roses at the local bars in town. And guess who works at one of those bars.

And now all I can think of is how much of a cowardly-classless bitch she is.

What is the BoC thing to do?

Poll

What should I do?

Keep not talking to her.

1 votes

Fuck her if she wants some.

2 votes

Some combo of the first two.

3 votes

If you are asking the BoC, just jump off the nearest tall building.

2 votes

8 votes | Poll has closed

BoC Fantasy League Round 1 recap

2013-04-17T23:12:46Z

Upsets abound in the first round of BoC fantasy league. The top 2 teams are knocked out, not a great day for Metallica and the Obama administration. But a great day for Ponyville!!!

Week 23 (Apr 8 - Apr 14)

Quarterfinal

1 Sleek and Destroy4

8 Fournick Gators12

View Matchup

Quarterfinal

4 Donald Jer9

5 Metal and Brawn7

View Matchup

Quarterfinal

3 Ponyville Sharks10

6 Windy City Frostbite4

View Matchup

Quarterfinal

2 Joe Bidens4

7 Certified Ninjas10

View Matchup

Week 24 (Apr 15 - Apr 21)

Semifinal

4 Donald Jer0

Semifinal

Week 25 (Apr 22 - Apr 27)

	G	A	+/-	PIM	PPP	SHP	GWG	SOG	FW	HIT	BLK	GS	W	L	GAA	SV%	SHO	Score
Sleek and Destroy	5	11	-5	12	3	0	1	100	165	43	33	6	2	3	2.12	.914	0	4
Fournick Gators	8	12	4	20	5	2	2	87	90	30	34	4	2	1	1.28	.947	2	12

Picture Metallica getting raped by a group of horny alligators, that's pretty much what happened here. Obligatory curse of the President's trophy.

1st Star: Brian Elliot had 2 starts, 2 wins, and got shutouts for both of them. I should point out that he sucked for most of the season just so Meg would waive the fuck out of him.

2nd Star: It's hard to pick a second star because there was very even production thoughout Madre's roster. But I'll go with P.K. Subban who had 1 goal, 2 assists, went -3, 4 PIM, 2 PPP, had 13 shots, 1 hit, and 4 blocks.

3rd Star: Lee Stempniak had 1 goal, 2 assists, went +1, 1 PPP, 1 SHP, 13 shots, 1 hit, and 1 block.

Chokers: Brad Richards and Jonathan Quick were terrible all season long and did not live up to their expected value at all.

	G	A	+/-	PIM	PPP	SHP	GWG	SOG	FW	HIT	BLK	GS	W	L	GAA	SV%	SHO	Score
Metal and Brawn	4	7	-5	17	5	1	0	57	88	60	23	4	0	4	2.77	.895	0	7
Donald Jer	5	6	-6	25	2	0	1	71	45	30	35	3	1	2	2.35	.939	0	9

The only match that was close. This was a contest decided by goaltending. This match also shows us one thing Jer and TMac have in common, once their backup gets injured, they completely forget they are allowed to start more than one goalie. In both cases it seems to be working fine.

1st Star: Tuukka Rask started 3 games, had 1 win, 2 wins, a GAA of 2.35, and a SV% of .939.

2nd Star: Steve Ott (Metal and Brawn) had 2 assists, went +2, had 7 PIM, had 6 shots, 28 FW, assaulted 11 innocents, and 1 BLK.

3rd Star: Evander Kane had 2 goals, 1 assist, went +3, 2 PIM, shot the puck 8 times, had 6 hits, and 1 BLK.

Chokers: Kipprusoff and Jake Allen both started 1 game, lost, and were terrible. At least Pekka Rinne tried, he lost both games he started sure, but at least he tried.

	G	A	+/-	PIM	PPP	SHP	GWG	SOG	FW	HIT	BLK	GS	W	L	GAA	SV%	SHO	Score
Ponyville Sharks	4	10	-18	23	3	1	0	61	86	57	35	5	3	1	1.39	.943*	1	10
Windy City Frostbite	3	9	5	19	3	0	0	64	62	63	36	3	2	1	1.51	.943*	0	4

*I won the SV% by .ooo5.

I actually consider this a small upset of sorts. Much like the early season Sharks, I felt the wins were masking big problems, and that the wins were as a result of luck and shitty competition (I went 1-1-1 against playoff teams in the regular season, the loss coming against Windy City Frostbite.) But thanks to Nabby and terribly underperforming competition, I managed to avenge my blowout loss on the regular season. Haha, suck it Carl. Also, Ponies are awesome.

1st Star: Evgeni Nabokov had 3 starts, 2 wins, a .99 GAA, and a .962 SV%. This proves once and for all that Nabby is the greatest goalie to ever wear a Californian team's jersey (yes, even better than Potvin.)

2nd Star: Ryan Kesler had 3 assists, went -2, had 2 PIM, 1 PPP, 3 shots, 22 FW, 2 hits, and 4 BLK.

3rd Star: Joe Pavelski had 1 assist, went -2, had 1 SHP, 2 shots, 29 FW, 6 hits, and 1 BLK.

Chokers: Patrick Kane, Corey Perry, and Ryan Suter were all useless for Windy City Frostbite. I can't believe I used the 21st overall pick on Scott Hartnell, ugh.

	G	A	+/-	PIM	PPP	SHP	GWG	SOG	FW	HIT	BLK	GS	W	L	GAA	SV%	SHO	Score
Certified Ninjas	7	12	0	15	4	0	1	66	80	64	35	3	2	1	2.13	.919	1	10
Joe Bidens	3	15	5	16	4	0	0	61	96	60	27	2	1	1	4.00	.879	0	4

Joe Biden proves ill-equipped to deal with licensed ninjas.

1st Star: Corey Crawford (Certified Ninjas) had 2 starts, 2 wins, .96 GAA, .966 SV% and 1 shutout.

2nd Star: Pascal Dupuis (Certified Ninjas) had 2 goals, 5 assists, +7, 2 PPP, had 5 shots, 4 FW, 6 hits, and 2 BLK.

3rd Star: Jaromir Jagr (Joe Bidens) had 6 assists, went +2, had 2 PPP, 12 shots, 1 hit, and 2 BLK.

2nd round

Ponyville Sharks vs Certified Ninjas

Donald Jer vs Fournick Gators

Upsets abound in the first round of BoC fantasy league. The top 2 teams are knocked out, not a great day for Metallica and the Obama administration. But a great day for Ponyville!!!

Week 23 (Apr 8 - Apr 14)

Quarterfinal

1 Sleek and Destroy4

8 Fournick Gators12

View Matchup

Quarterfinal

4 Donald Jer9

5 Metal and Brawn7

View Matchup

Quarterfinal

3 Ponyville Sharks10

6 Windy City Frostbite4

View Matchup

Quarterfinal

2 Joe Bidens4

7 Certified Ninjas10

View Matchup

Week 24 (Apr 15 - Apr 21)

Semifinal

4 Donald Jer0

Semifinal

Week 25 (Apr 22 - Apr 27)

	G	A	+/-	PIM	PPP	SHP	GWG	SOG	FW	HIT	BLK	GS	W	L	GAA	SV%	SHO	Score
Sleek and Destroy	5	11	-5	12	3	0	1	100	165	43	33	6	2	3	2.12	.914	0	4
Fournick Gators	8	12	4	20	5	2	2	87	90	30	34	4	2	1	1.28	.947	2	12

Picture Metallica getting raped by a group of horny alligators, that's pretty much what happened here. Obligatory curse of the President's trophy.

1st Star: Brian Elliot had 2 starts, 2 wins, and got shutouts for both of them. I should point out that he sucked for most of the season just so Meg would waive the fuck out of him.

3rd Star: Lee Stempniak had 1 goal, 2 assists, went +1, 1 PPP, 1 SHP, 13 shots, 1 hit, and 1 block.

Chokers: Brad Richards and Jonathan Quick were terrible all season long and did not live up to their expected value at all.

	G	A	+/-	PIM	PPP	SHP	GWG	SOG	FW	HIT	BLK	GS	W	L	GAA	SV%	SHO	Score
Metal and Brawn	4	7	-5	17	5	1	0	57	88	60	23	4	0	4	2.77	.895	0	7
Donald Jer	5	6	-6	25	2	0	1	71	45	30	35	3	1	2	2.35	.939	0	9

1st Star: Tuukka Rask started 3 games, had 1 win, 2 wins, a GAA of 2.35, and a SV% of .939.

2nd Star: Steve Ott (Metal and Brawn) had 2 assists, went +2, had 7 PIM, had 6 shots, 28 FW, assaulted 11 innocents, and 1 BLK.

3rd Star: Evander Kane had 2 goals, 1 assist, went +3, 2 PIM, shot the puck 8 times, had 6 hits, and 1 BLK.

Chokers: Kipprusoff and Jake Allen both started 1 game, lost, and were terrible. At least Pekka Rinne tried, he lost both games he started sure, but at least he tried.

	G	A	+/-	PIM	PPP	SHP	GWG	SOG	FW	HIT	BLK	GS	W	L	GAA	SV%	SHO	Score
Ponyville Sharks	4	10	-18	23	3	1	0	61	86	57	35	5	3	1	1.39	.943*	1	10
Windy City Frostbite	3	9	5	19	3	0	0	64	62	63	36	3	2	1	1.51	.943*	0	4

*I won the SV% by .ooo5.

2nd Star: Ryan Kesler had 3 assists, went -2, had 2 PIM, 1 PPP, 3 shots, 22 FW, 2 hits, and 4 BLK.

3rd Star: Joe Pavelski had 1 assist, went -2, had 1 SHP, 2 shots, 29 FW, 6 hits, and 1 BLK.

Chokers: Patrick Kane, Corey Perry, and Ryan Suter were all useless for Windy City Frostbite. I can't believe I used the 21st overall pick on Scott Hartnell, ugh.

	G	A	+/-	PIM	PPP	SHP	GWG	SOG	FW	HIT	BLK	GS	W	L	GAA	SV%	SHO	Score
Certified Ninjas	7	12	0	15	4	0	1	66	80	64	35	3	2	1	2.13	.919	1	10
Joe Bidens	3	15	5	16	4	0	0	61	96	60	27	2	1	1	4.00	.879	0	4

Joe Biden proves ill-equipped to deal with licensed ninjas.

1st Star: Corey Crawford (Certified Ninjas) had 2 starts, 2 wins, .96 GAA, .966 SV% and 1 shutout.

2nd Star: Pascal Dupuis (Certified Ninjas) had 2 goals, 5 assists, +7, 2 PPP, had 5 shots, 4 FW, 6 hits, and 2 BLK.

3rd Star: Jaromir Jagr (Joe Bidens) had 6 assists, went +2, had 2 PPP, 12 shots, 1 hit, and 2 BLK.

2nd round

Ponyville Sharks vs Certified Ninjas

Donald Jer vs Fournick Gators

Week 12: El burrito de la victoria

2013-04-15T18:18:09Z

How great is this scene?

Answer: so, so *firework goes off*

*flinch* fucking great.

Dirk: the highest rated comment

Looks like we have a three-way tie for highest rated comment this week.

DodgerBlueBalls namechecks an even weirder Mojave desert town than Spade's former shithole and the high desert's favorite LARPing activity.

I think children in Victorville actually played "Zzyzx Meth Trafficking" instead.

Earl (correctly!) predicts the future!

We’ll probably boo Nick Schultz a lot tonight too just out of confusion.

I stick it to whitey, yet again!

Reed: the best of the rest

Slo finally punches through!

> I was usually the banker then hoarded all the supplies for
> myself and told my traveling partners I was starving.
are you by chance an NHL team owner?

Honorable mentions to:

kidish explains Darwinism vis a vis Doughty:

I think he got punched a lot when he was younger, so his face just kind of transformed into a face you want to punch more. Chicken and egg kind of thing.

BennyLightning pushes things about as far as they can go.

this
is
hte
best
thing
to
ever
happen
to
me
online,
im
so
happy
to
be
part
of
this
im
going
to
call
my
mom
and
tell
her

Todd: the worst comment

I'm not going to link to his shit, but LatinoHeat's spamming ass deserves to go to Arizona for a good, long while. Which should be particularly terrifying, given his handle. If you want to comment here, great. Nobody fucking cares about your website. I wonder if LatinoHeat ends every back-and-forth in a conversation with the same plug?

How great is this scene?

Answer: so, so *firework goes off*

*flinch* fucking great.

Dirk: the highest rated comment

Looks like we have a three-way tie for highest rated comment this week.

DodgerBlueBalls namechecks an even weirder Mojave desert town than Spade's former shithole and the high desert's favorite LARPing activity.

I think children in Victorville actually played "Zzyzx Meth Trafficking" instead.

Earl (correctly!) predicts the future!

We’ll probably boo Nick Schultz a lot tonight too just out of confusion.

I stick it to whitey, yet again!

Reed: the best of the rest

Slo finally punches through!

> I was usually the banker then hoarded all the supplies for
> myself and told my traveling partners I was starving.
are you by chance an NHL team owner?

Honorable mentions to:

kidish explains Darwinism vis a vis Doughty:

I think he got punched a lot when he was younger, so his face just kind of transformed into a face you want to punch more. Chicken and egg kind of thing.

BennyLightning pushes things about as far as they can go.

this
is
hte
best
thing
to
ever
happen
to
me
online,
im
so
happy
to
be
part
of
this
im
going
to
call
my
mom
and
tell
her

Todd: the worst comment

Poll

What did we learn this week?

Steve Ott is an unpleasant individual.

2 votes

Oregon Trail was a vital educational tool that paved the way for this current generation of sociopaths.

13 votes

Even this half season seems like a marathon through Shit City, mostly because we're playing the Stars every goddamn game.

7 votes

Via Con Dios, Red Wings. Enjoy being ignored by the east coast media.

5 votes

Hard drug deals featuring multiple speedos, fireworks, and "Sister Christian" will always end well.

4 votes

31 votes | Poll has closed

Week 11: El burrito de la victoria

2013-04-08T19:50:05Z

Work deadlines and New Orleans mini-vacation looms. Here are some thoughts.

Terrible mustaches and bad male haircuts are preserved in movies and television shows set in the past, but nobody has the courage to recreate shitty female haircuts or ugly eyeglasses.
I disappointed my son this morning when I couldn't immediately cut out shapes with him 2 seconds after I woke up.
The way they're just scrambling cuss words in movies airing on television now makes it seem like the characters suddenly and briefly talk like The Little Man From Another Place for emphasis.
I don't know anything about the Swedish House Mafia other than they're like the mob, but instead of racketeering and murder they make bullshit paint-by-numbers dance music. But that stupid song is infinitely more funny if the lyrics become: "Don't you worry don't you worry child. Kevin's got a plan for you."

Just like Kevin: the highest rated comment

PGI stops by to get offended:

I MADE THIS ACCOUNT JUST TO SAY THIS ARTICLE IS TRASH
THE "WRITER" SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF MAKING FUN OF WHITE PEOPLE MAKING SILLY FACES WHILE CELEBRATING! OBVIOUSLY HE US EITHER A BLACK PERSON, A SELF-HATING WHITE PERSON, A FAT SHUT IN BLOGGER OR ALL THREE. YOU SHOULD BE FIRED!!!!! IF THIS WAS ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE SOMETHING SOMETHING RACE! (Now, does anyone know any other sites, message boards, newsgroups, or chat rooms that have anything I can be outraged about? I have all afternoon free. I can get up some fake rage about anything. K thx)

Kevinly: the best of the rest

DMcD continues to tear this country apart with his racist GIFs:

Honorable mentions to:

Mako commenting on Doug Wilson's OCD:

Someone should send that show "Hoarders" to Doug Wilson’s house. He’s probably got center-icemen stacked to the ceiling in there.

Dunn reminds us that advanced stats give us insight into almost every aspect of Alex Martinez's game:

his queso rating is through the roof.

GhostOfLinkGaetz drops by for some dadaist trade deadline trolling.

GO DUCKS

Kevin Help Us: the worst comment

NoCupsForHosers ambushed JohnQPhats fanpost, "Biggest Assholes in the NHL" by showing everyone how it's done.

Yall forgot that prick Thornton
And Pronger eternally belongs at the top of this list. He’s in the asshole hall of fame right next to Ty Cobb. And how could you leave out Zdeno Chara. Did everyone forget already that he intentionally broke a guys neck? He belongs in fucking prison. And while were on the subject toss in Colin Campbell for laughing off that horrific attack and not even considering a suspension because his no talent bitch of a son plays for the Bruins. Also, I don’t much care for Drew Doughty, but he ain’t no rapist. A guy who just won the stanley cup isn’t having any trouble with the ladies, and that whore’s story held about as much water as her loose mangled flaps. And as for Corey Perry, he only runs whiney little bitch goalies. Which is all of them, but Niemi especially. You Northern Californian bedwetters are just jealous because the Ducks top line is better than your whole team, or whats left of it. Oh, and BTW sharks fans, your GM isn’t referring to the Sharks fire sale as re-building because your shitty organization has never had more structure than a cardboard box in a third world shanty town. It’s just building, or more accurately, polishing a turd. and lastly, add Turd Macllellan to the list for simply looking like a bitter little bitch. Got a response? Go ahead. Count the cups. Teemu Forever.

Work deadlines and New Orleans mini-vacation looms. Here are some thoughts.

Terrible mustaches and bad male haircuts are preserved in movies and television shows set in the past, but nobody has the courage to recreate shitty female haircuts or ugly eyeglasses.
I disappointed my son this morning when I couldn't immediately cut out shapes with him 2 seconds after I woke up.
The way they're just scrambling cuss words in movies airing on television now makes it seem like the characters suddenly and briefly talk like The Little Man From Another Place for emphasis.
I don't know anything about the Swedish House Mafia other than they're like the mob, but instead of racketeering and murder they make bullshit paint-by-numbers dance music. But that stupid song is infinitely more funny if the lyrics become: "Don't you worry don't you worry child. Kevin's got a plan for you."

Just like Kevin: the highest rated comment

PGI stops by to get offended:

I MADE THIS ACCOUNT JUST TO SAY THIS ARTICLE IS TRASH
THE "WRITER" SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF MAKING FUN OF WHITE PEOPLE MAKING SILLY FACES WHILE CELEBRATING! OBVIOUSLY HE US EITHER A BLACK PERSON, A SELF-HATING WHITE PERSON, A FAT SHUT IN BLOGGER OR ALL THREE. YOU SHOULD BE FIRED!!!!! IF THIS WAS ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE SOMETHING SOMETHING RACE! (Now, does anyone know any other sites, message boards, newsgroups, or chat rooms that have anything I can be outraged about? I have all afternoon free. I can get up some fake rage about anything. K thx)

Kevinly: the best of the rest

DMcD continues to tear this country apart with his racist GIFs:

Honorable mentions to:

Mako commenting on Doug Wilson's OCD:

Someone should send that show "Hoarders" to Doug Wilson’s house. He’s probably got center-icemen stacked to the ceiling in there.

Dunn reminds us that advanced stats give us insight into almost every aspect of Alex Martinez's game:

his queso rating is through the roof.

GhostOfLinkGaetz drops by for some dadaist trade deadline trolling.

GO DUCKS

Kevin Help Us: the worst comment

NoCupsForHosers ambushed JohnQPhats fanpost, "Biggest Assholes in the NHL" by showing everyone how it's done.

Yall forgot that prick Thornton
And Pronger eternally belongs at the top of this list. He’s in the asshole hall of fame right next to Ty Cobb. And how could you leave out Zdeno Chara. Did everyone forget already that he intentionally broke a guys neck? He belongs in fucking prison. And while were on the subject toss in Colin Campbell for laughing off that horrific attack and not even considering a suspension because his no talent bitch of a son plays for the Bruins. Also, I don’t much care for Drew Doughty, but he ain’t no rapist. A guy who just won the stanley cup isn’t having any trouble with the ladies, and that whore’s story held about as much water as her loose mangled flaps. And as for Corey Perry, he only runs whiney little bitch goalies. Which is all of them, but Niemi especially. You Northern Californian bedwetters are just jealous because the Ducks top line is better than your whole team, or whats left of it. Oh, and BTW sharks fans, your GM isn’t referring to the Sharks fire sale as re-building because your shitty organization has never had more structure than a cardboard box in a third world shanty town. It’s just building, or more accurately, polishing a turd. and lastly, add Turd Macllellan to the list for simply looking like a bitter little bitch. Got a response? Go ahead. Count the cups. Teemu Forever.

Poll

What did we learn this week?

After we've enraged every geographic locale in WIkipedia, this blog will have fulfilled its purpose and will be retired like the Space Shuttle.

9 votes

Raffi Torres is the one player all the BoC readership can agree on.

9 votes

3 out of 4 people think NoCupsForHosers is worse than Raffi Torres.

6 votes

Kevin does have a very special plan just for you.

5 votes

A Stanley Cup ring is like a Dungeons and Dragons magical item, but instead of, I dunno, magic missile attacks it's like +10 for rape allegations.

3 votes

32 votes | Poll has closed

Trade Sharks tickets for Kings tickets?

2013-04-06T23:02:18Z

Would anyone be interested in a trading me 2 Kings tickets for 2 Sharks tickets I have?

I have season tickets in San Jose but I'd really like to see a road game in LA if possible. If you are a Kings fan who wanted to see a game in San Jose and who happens to have 2 tickets for the last game of the year in LA, I wonder if you might be interested in a swap.

As the Sharks v. Kings game in LA is the last game and I'm sure it's fan appreciation night and stuff, I'm suspicious that even if you had tickets you might not be interested in a trade but thought I would check anyway. Just in case.

In the spirit of sportsmanship, good luck with the rest of the season. If anyone is interested in a trade, please let me know.

Would anyone be interested in a trading me 2 Kings tickets for 2 Sharks tickets I have?

In the spirit of sportsmanship, good luck with the rest of the season. If anyone is interested in a trade, please let me know.

Week 10: El burrito de la victoria

2013-04-01T17:38:39Z

There was a bodega in Santa Cruz called the Mission Bay Market named for the intersection where it was located. Bay St. and Mission St. are two of the major surface streets in the town. Bay St. leads up to UC Santa Cruz. Mission St. is Highway 1. Despite this busy corner, I never saw anybody going into the store. Ever. The door was open, but you couldn't really see much inside, as the windows had faded ads for beer and snacks covering them. It gave a creepy vibe, and I avoided it, as did everyone else I talked to.

My housemate at the time, Jake--brother in hockey love, Kings fan, and maybe the only guy that misses Aki Berg--came home one day and said he had been inside Mission Bay Market, and it was incredible. He was clearly shocked. Inside is aisle after aisle of strange, old food. Not fresh food. Bottles of liquid saccharine. Chocolate chip cookie mix from decades ago. The wine aisle was full of bizarre ghetto wine he'd never heard of, and bottles of ancient Thunderbird with the price marked in grease pencil: $0.69. He bought a bottle of it, and that was the price he paid at the register.

In the bottle, the Thunderbird was viscous, swirling around. He poured out some in a glass and it smelled like fermented apple juice. He took a small sip, and said, "This is really nasty. I don't know if I can drink it." "Try some ice," I suggested. He added some to the glass, and again took a tiny sip. "It helps, but this is disgusting." I reminded him that this was a fine, aged, wine, and he really should take a regular sip. Fortunately I had my camera nearby. This is what it looked like. Before:

And after:

Afterward, I tried to drink it, and probably looked exactly like that. I have no idea what fresh Thunderbird from, say, 1968 tasted like, but the intervening years sitting on a shelf in the strangest bodega in the world hadn't helped. It was sort of a challenge we'd present to people who came by: try to drink two fingers of Thunderbird. We went back periodically to just look at all the cake mix boxes without barcodes and port wine gift boxes in garish 1970s pastels. Maybe a future post will talk about our experiments making processed food older than us.

Thunderbird: the highest rated comment

This is the highest rated comment we've ever had, by far. Zeroindulgence laments the passing of a Round Table Pizza promotion:

The Sharks' worst trade
Was clearly swapping "4 in the net, pizza you get" for "here’s some shitty Jack in the Box tacos, jackholes."

Wonderbird: the best of the rest

Get a load of JJ, busting out with this incredible reference to former Sharks 7th defenseman Alexei Semenov:

I always wondered how you got semenov
I just figured you machine-washed in cold water.

Honorable mentions go to:

Bezzerker responds to Jer's comment that both he and Meg put butts on their new jersey designs:

Yeah but why did you put yours on the back of the Sharks jerseys?

Hey, it's a rare RudyReply! He speculates about Perron's penchant for running right into Thornton with his head:

Just think of all the concussions Perron would have gotten if he was around Thornton all the time, though.

Mako lands a mean counter-punch to Meg's bragging about his burrito awards:

Your purse must be getting pretty full by now.

Chunderbird: the worst comment

It was kind of hard to find a worst comment this week, which is good! So don't take this personally, Deb, but you basically proved the theory that comments correcting someone's grammar usually themselves contain grammatical errors or incorrect application of grammar rules.

And after:

Thunderbird: the highest rated comment

This is the highest rated comment we've ever had, by far. Zeroindulgence laments the passing of a Round Table Pizza promotion:

The Sharks' worst trade
Was clearly swapping "4 in the net, pizza you get" for "here’s some shitty Jack in the Box tacos, jackholes."

Wonderbird: the best of the rest

Get a load of JJ, busting out with this incredible reference to former Sharks 7th defenseman Alexei Semenov:

I always wondered how you got semenov
I just figured you machine-washed in cold water.

Honorable mentions go to:

Bezzerker responds to Jer's comment that both he and Meg put butts on their new jersey designs:

Yeah but why did you put yours on the back of the Sharks jerseys?

Hey, it's a rare RudyReply! He speculates about Perron's penchant for running right into Thornton with his head:

Just think of all the concussions Perron would have gotten if he was around Thornton all the time, though.

Mako lands a mean counter-punch to Meg's bragging about his burrito awards:

Your purse must be getting pretty full by now.

Chunderbird: the worst comment

Poll

What did we learn this week?

A blank jersey is a Rorschacht test.

1 votes

Darryl Sutter's face on Cersei causes night terrors, but you'll probably have a confusing sex dream about Arya with Havlat's face.

7 votes

1968 was an off-vintage for Thunderbird.

7 votes

Riding the percentages: feeling unstoppable after your 8th Cuba Libre. Regression: the flat white joyless hangover that destroys the next two days.

2 votes

Jay Feaster is a moron. Welcome to our division, Flames!

9 votes

Trying to seem smart? Write a haiku! Want to practice being a crude asshole? Write a limerick!

4 votes

30 votes | Poll has closed

Spade is here to calm your fears

2013-03-26T16:07:46Z

come lay down its gonna be ok

I imagine that right now, you're feeling a bit like Alice. Hmm?
Tumbling down the rabbit hole? Ducks fans? Well besides our nuts being halfway up our assholes..it's a huge shit sandwich, and we're all gonna have to take a bite. What the fuck happened to our team, man? Shit,our ass used to be beautiful! I hate to say this, but this losing streak is getting to us. I think we're getting the fear. Give us the strength to be what we were, and forgive what we currently are. We're gonna keep fighting. Is that CLEAR? We're gonna attack Wednesday night, we're gonna attack Friday. If we are not VICTORIOUS, let no man come back alive! So bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until somebody passes out. And then bring one every ten minutes. Cuz then we would have least no memory. That's where I want to live the rest of my life if the ducks cant pull of this funk. A warm place with no memory.

95% of this was done with quotes from movies...its my coping mechanism...going thru quotes in my head..that and porn and beer

GO DUCKS FUCK REGRESSION!

come lay down its gonna be ok

95% of this was done with quotes from movies...its my coping mechanism...going thru quotes in my head..that and porn and beer

GO DUCKS FUCK REGRESSION!