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Kings Live-Blog: It's Never Too Early For Hockey!

So here's last night:

I went to Target to buy a gift for my roommate Megalodon and my other roommate, Matt (who refuses to go by a nickname because, and I quote, "I'm not gay,"), bought The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance. (I don't know why.) We drank two bottles of wine and then I demonstrated to Matt's little brother the dangers of alcohol.. Anyway, my head feels like it was boiled but I promised you people a live-blog and God dammit, I'm going to give it to you. Here's some articles to start your day. The Kings named Rob Blake as their captain; some people thought it would be Derek Armstrong, which would have literally killed me. One thing those people didn't understand: he's ROB BLAKE. Lubomir Visnovsky and Mike Cammalleri join Scott Thornton as assistants. (Is it associate now? That's really lame.) I don't know why, seeing as how he's older than me and Slovakian, but I'm always really happy when Lubo accomplishes something. He's like my child!

I have a good feeling about these games in London. The Ducks are missing Pahlsson, the good Niedermayer, Selanne, Giguere, and Schneider. If the Kings are going to beat the Ducks this season, it's gonna be now. Anyway, I'll be here all game and Megalodon and Matt will be making snide remarks here and there. Go Kings.

(Oh, and Matt changed his mind: he wants to be referred to as "The Awesome Guy Whose Team Won the Stanley Cup." I hate my roommates.)

8:54: Taylor Swift. I am a fan.

8:56: Huell Howser. I am not a fan. Hockey needs to start.

9:00: Hockey!

9:02: The Ducks are Stanley Cup champions, the Kings are Red Bull chamions. Winner gets both, deal?

Bernier is getting the start.

9:06: The blue lines have been moved out? What the fuck? How is this a real game?

9:10: The British bird sucks at singing. Why are they singing the British national anthem? I thought we kicked their ass so we wouldn't have to listen to this bullshit. Bernier looks like he's about to cry. He needs to change his number if he's going to be on the team for a while.

9:15: Oh for fuck's sake, the lights aren't working. It's like they're trying to give me a heart attack. Matt thinks that they brought the lights from America and they don't plug in right in Britain.

9:23: They showed a shot of Rob Blake and he looked incredibly forlorn, like he was thinking, "Man, I wonder what Scott's doing. I should've retired too." This is not encouraging. Also, the lighting delay means that we get more Brian Hayward. Great.

9:28: According to reader Tapeleg (who I would have sex with, so why shouldn't you?), the usually put dampers on the lights so that they don't have to turn them on again. Apparently that's not how they roll in England. No wonder the British lost the War of 1812.

9:34: Is it just me or is the camera way too close? Also, they almost missed the drop because it's the NHL.

9:36: Okay, Brad Stuart managed to make me care about him; he bleached his hair and he looks ridiculous. Bertuzzi got a penalty for holding, somehow. He managed to keep from murdering someone, though, so that's an improvement.

9:39: Sean O'Donnell just shot on his own goalie. Seriously. He had the puck and shot it on Brzyzgalov. After he shot it, Jimmy said, "English rules!" Meg said, "That doesn't make sense," and I agree with him. We like to think that he's been saying that all week like it's some great joke.

9:46: It's always weird the first couple games of the season; Kyle Calder is wearing 19 and I thought, "What the hell is Sean Avery doing out there?" Shane Hnidy made sure someone noticed him by getting a penalty.

9:49: Hooray! Cammalleri scores on a 5-on-3 thanks to Rob Niedermayer. I think they said that the assists were to Lubo and Kopitar, and I would say that is the perfect first goal of the season.

9:53: The Ducks got a 2-on-1 on the penalty kill but Lubo broke it up beuatifully. I love that guy and I don't care who knows it.

9:56: Just so you guys know, all. Senior. Citizens. Should. Have. Life Alert. I like to think that that old chick talks like that all the time. "Would. You. Please. Get. Me. Some tea."

10:04: Do you think anyone has made a Laurel & Hardy joke when Pronger and Carlyle are next to one another. Also, Jimmy is in mid-season from; there's pointless stories all over the place.

10:03: Wow, Tulane sucks ass... oh, sorry, wrong game.

10:06: They keep pushing this "Name the Rivalry" thing. I think they should name it the "Shut the fuck up and talk about the game" Rivalry.

10:07: The Ducks had a power play but couldn't do anything with it. I love Rob Blake on the penalty kill because it's like he's trying to see what he can get away with without getting a penalty.

First period ends, Kings up 1-0. They look pretty good. Is it just me or are the refs really shitty? I guess I shouldn't be surprised, given that that one Mick is reffing. I'm lovin' the Armstrong-Frolov-Calder line. I'm going to go make some chicken nuggets.

Did you see that Steve Downie got suspended for 20 games for his hit on Dean McAmmond? That seems a little excessive. I mean, Chris Simon didn't get suspended for that long, and he swung his stick at that one dude's head! I guess Downie did deserve that elbow courtesy of Jack Johnson.

10:19: How has John McEnroe made an entire career out of being a whiny asshole? Also, that Carl's Jr. commercial with the flat buns is what is wrong with America. Where did the hot chick go? (I'm pushing Earl to make this a blog about commercials, but so far he's been resistant.)

10:24: I just noticed that Kyle Calder didn't screen Bryzgalov on the King's goal. This is after Jimmy spent 5 minutes talking about how Calder screened him. I love Jimmy, but he's not that good at his job.

10:30: 2nd period starts and it's the little things I love about hockey, like when the ref kicks a center out of the face-off circle. I like to think that they say, "What are you doin'? Get the fuck out of here."

10:32: Lubo gets a penalty for holding Todd Bertuzzi, but that's not fair. Lubo is like 20 pounds, how is he supposed to stop Bertuzzi? I think Bertuzzi should get a penalty for being mean.

10:36: Jimmy said that Bernier works best from his knees and I think he speaks from experience.

10:38: The Kings kill off a penalty kill thanks to Jonathan Bernier, who is amazing. I don't know how to react; the Ducks will dump it in and I just assume that it's going in because, well, that's what happens to the Kings. Bernier's fucking everything up!

10:42: I'd just like to take a moment to say that my brother can't watch the game because he's at work and he doesn't get Prime Ticket. To that I say:


Hey, Shane Hnidy just boarded Patrick O'Sullivan! Fuck you, Shane Hnidy.

10:45: Hooray! Kings score thanks to Rob Blake. Dustin Brown made a great move to start the scoring oppurtunity. I love it when Blake is in front of the net; how do you move him?

Is Ivanans aware that you can't just hit someone when they don't have the puck? I don't think he is.

10:50: The Kings killed off the penalty to Ivanans. Bob and Jimmy talked about how Kopitar is living with his family this season, and that unsettles me.

10:53: Bernier makes a great save and then Rob Niedermayer tries to fight Jack Johnson. I'm not sure if the Kings can send Bernier down without mass rioting in the streets.

10:57: Jimmy said that Jack Johnson was "joshling" for the puck. Take a break there, big guy.

11:00: Modry with the save. Jon Klemm would have checked the puck, though, so he's better.

11:02: That'll do it for the 2nd period with the Kings up, 2-0.. This game kinda has a weird feel to me. Neither team seems like they're totally awake out there. I guess I can't complain too much, though, since the Kings are up. Back for the 3rd period in a bit.

11:05: I have to admit, I never get tired of them talking about how the Ducks don't have Selanne and Niedermayer. I'd like to say that now: the Ducks don't have Selanne and Niedermayer.

11:10: Bill MacDonald said that if Calder keeps playing like this, they might name a trophy after him. You are the worst person in the world, Bill MacDonald. On the other hand, Brian Hayward said that Teemu Selanne is one of the best "Fin(n)ishers" in the NHL. Now that's funny.

11:20: John Zeiler can't skate and it's somehow Pronger's fault. Kings on the power play. Zeiler skates like he has a stick up his ass.

11:22: Hooray! The Kings get another goal, this one thanks to Preissing. Kopitar gets another assist; hey Earl, does your league count power play points?

11:24: Who the fuck is Mark Mauers?

11:26: My roommates keep trying to guess which debilitating injury Jonathan Bernier will suffer this season. They're scaring me. Also, Matt thinks the reason the Ducks are so listless out there is because they're tired from carrying the Cup around everywhere.

11:30: Kopitar gets a penalty for hooking. He sucks and should be traded.

11:31: The Kings have had two good chances on the penalty kill: O'Sullivan had a nifty little move and then got dumped by Pronger, and Brown had a one-timer that Bryzgalov had a nice save on. They're booing Pronger for his hit on O'Sullivan, and how dick do you have to be to get booed by Brits?

11:32: "Jimmy, you can't drink while you're supposed to be working!" "English rules!"

11:38: If anyone wants to join the Jonathan Bernier Appreciation Society, meetings are on Wednesday at 8. Please bring some sort of baked good.

11:40: They gave the 3rd goal to Cammalleri, which gives him 2 on the day. I'd just like to remind everyone that we have him for 2 years at an extremely reasonable salary.

11:42: Boo! Bobby Ryan gets his first NHL goal on the power play thanks to Frolov. Ryan got the puck on a bounce and Bernier didn't really have a shot at it. Send him down!

Perry just got hit and looked shaken up. Unfortunately, he's okay.

11:47: He hasn't scored, but Bertuzzi has looked really good this game. He's driving to the net, staying strong on the puck, getting good shots... it's almost enough to make you forget that he once attempted murder.

11:48: I just noticed that the Kings brought their in-house announcer over to England. Was that really necessary? They didn't have one English guy that could do that job?

11:50: O'Sullivan has looked pretty good today too. He's had a couple of chances 1-on-1 where he just got in position to take the shot instead of trying to make a move.

11:52: Hey, what the hell was that? Andy McDonald just hit Bernier in the back of the head! I will bury you, Andy. The Ducks seem to think they're still in this game, so I don't think there's going to be a fight.

11:54: Well, fuck. There's a minute left, the Ducks are getting a ton of pressure, and Brad Stuart got a penalty.

11:55: Whew. Corey Perry had a great chance but Bernier stuffed him. O'Sullivan made a great play to get the puck to Michal Handzus and he ices the game.

11:56: Wow, Todd Marchant is kind of a dick. He just boarded John Zeiler. Oh well, when you're below .500 like the Ducks will be I guess you have to take the frustration out on someone.

11:58: That'll do it for the game. Kings win, 4-1. Jonathan Bernier played amazing and the Kings played a very tight, controlled game. Kings in first place!

That'll do it for me. Thanks for reading; it's tough to follow a game and write about it, but I might do this again if you thought it was good. If you didn't, keep it to yourself; I have low self-esteem.