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3 Ways to Help the Kings

You are heartless if this does not make you laugh. That little guy is so serious!

Does that make you feel better? Okay, let's go...

1) Have Set Lines. For fuck's sake, please have set lines. Tonight the Kings had Armstrong, Frolov and Ivanans out there for an extended period of time. I mean... there's a difference between switching things up and just having no fucking idea what you're doing. You know what else would confuse the other team? Making the Kings play without sticks. Send them out there with shoes on, the Red Wings wouldn't know what the fuck. This team has 5 new faces on offense; put them on a line and let them get comfortable with one another. If I had a say, I'd prefer:


But hey, I'm not picky. Put Ivanans with Frolov, I don't care. Just please, for the love of God, let them build some fucking chemistry.

2) Play the Right Defensemen. I don't know what the hell is going on with our defensive corps, but something's wrong. To figure out what the deal is, let's look at the Kings' defense in terms of time on ice as compared to the defense of the Ducks last year (what?):

Lubo: 22:07 _____________________Nieds: 27:30
Blake: 23:17_____________________Captain Elbows: 27:05
Stuart: 23:06____________________Beauchemin: 25:28
Johnson: 20:01___________________O'Donnell: 19:55
Preissing: 16:01___________________Huskins: 14:04
Modry: 15:21_____________________DiPenta: 12:09

Do you see the problem? The Kings are playing their best defensemen far too little. You know it's right; how many times have you seen Modry and Johnson out there in a crucial situation? I think the Kings need to switch things up, putting Lubo with Stuart and Blake with Preissing. I'm all for Jack Johnson's development, but he does not need to be out there for 20 minutes a game.

3) Get Some God Damn Balls. Seriously, you guys are playing like you don't give a rat's ass whether you win or lose. I've yet to see a consistent 60-minute effort from any person on the Kings roster. I know you get paid whether you win or not, but you're killing me. I'm... I'm not eating right. I'm not sleeping well. I'm being asked to leave places because of my continuous shouts of, "Fucking Brownie!" (Seriously, my boss thinks I'm a racist.) I don't care if you win the next game against Minnesota (I would just be disappointed if I did) but I want it to look like you care. Kick Boogaard's ass, crunch Demitra, make it seem like you actually want to win. That's all I ask. I'm going to start writing like the Unabomber if you keep this up.