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This Should Lower the Level of Discourse a Little Bit

The U.S. played Slovenia in the World Championships yesterday. It was a ho-hum 5-1 victory for the Americans (Brown and O'Sullivan with assists, Kopitar with a goal), but the incident I'd like to bring to people's attention was a hit laid on Kopitar by Keith Ballard, defenseman for the Phoenix Coyotes. He got a penalty for a hit to the head (what the fuck?), plus a 10-minute misconduct. Now, I'm nothing if not reasonable, so I'd just like to ask Ballard one question:


*takes sip of water

What in the everloving fuck is wrong with you? You're trying to hit people in the head in a titty-fucking World Championships game? You're a lunatic. It's the World Championships. Nobody except insecure Canadians gives a rat's dick about the World Championships. I'm not even mad (okay, I'm mad), I'm more worried for you. You just tried to take out the most popular person in Slovenia; you might as well have taken a shoe out of Raitis Ivanan's mouth. If I were you, I'd just pack it in and shack up in Montana and never show your face again, because you're going to get gutted by some guy with a name like Blaz Jernej. Slovenians fucked up Yugoslavia, you think they'd have any qualms about shoving your intestines in your mouth? Based on my knowledge of Slovenia (and my racism), I'm assuming they're already delving into the national treasury to send their army (his name's Srecko) to literally bust your balls. You're doomed.

(Wouldn't it have been awesome if Brown had kicked Ballard's ass after the hit? I would've named my first kid Dustin.)