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A Helpful Guide for "Greatest American Dog"

Excluding hockey, I'd say my two favorite things in the world are dogs and idiots. Naturally, this makes Greatest American Dog my favorite show in the history of television. Nothing makes me giggle more than seeing some lunatic frantically screaming at their dog to heel while the pooch gleefully chases a stream of light. If you haven't seen it then here's a clip, and no I'm not going to give any kind of intro:

It's like someone put a camera inside my head and filmed my dreams. There's been two episodes so far, but there's still time to catch on to this surefire hit. To help, I've created a list of the dogs in the competition and which hockey player they are like. I'm retarded.

Tillman is a big, massive dog who can dominate a competition when he wants to. Although he is talented, it sometimes seems like he'd rather skateboard on the beach than practice. Plus, he's overweight.

Comparable: Dustin Penner

Ezzie (short for Esmerelda) is a small, sweet dog. She's talented but somewhat cowed, beaten by countless barrages from her coach. It's unlikely he'll reach her potential because of this, although a change of scenery could do her a lot of good.

Comparable: Lubomir Visnovsky

Some people may doubt Preston because of his beautiful exterior, but it hides a tough interior that strives to compete. This beautiful dog would kill you as soon as look at you, all the while stealing your girlfriend's heart.

Comparable: Henrik Zetterberg

Kenji is a massive dog. She could be the best dog in the competition but is being held down by it's poor coaching. Kenji often seems content to just surprise people with her natural ability than work on improving the weaker parts of her game. It's unknown if this dog will ever live up to its ability or if it'll be content simply being the biggest dog in a small dog park.

Comparable: Rick Nash

The scrappy Elvis is a snazzy dresser (look at his little tie!) and is as tenacious as they come. Quick to fight, he scares the other dogs (and their owners) with his sudden bouts of temper. Despite this, there is no doubt that Elvis can pull a trick or two when the competition is on the line.

Comparable: Sean Avery

Presley is young, energetic, and enormously talented. The dog is prone to the mistakes all young dogs make, but given time it is guaranteed that he'll be the best dog in the world of... dog tricking?

Comparable: Alexander Ovechkin

Galaxy is the favorite in the competition and is pretty flawless. He's been near the top of each competition so far and makes even the hardest tricks look effortless. His only downside is that his coach is a douche bag and he whines constantly when he competes.

Comparable: Sidney Crosby

Bella Starlet is a little bitch.

Comparable: Corey Perry

Star is a friendly, serene pooch from Texas. She loves to explore, although advancing age is making it a little more dangerous for her to be in that position. Through it all, though, Star accepts any challenge with a calm demeanor.

Comparable: Mike Modano

Beacon is a wild child, a dog without much training. He can sometimes be a great show dog, and other times he will run wild around the arena. The dog will always get a lot of attention because it demands it, but is not quite ready to be taken seriously as a competitor.

Comparable: Dion Phaneuf

Leroy is a forgotten dog in the competition because he tends to blend in. He's very talented, however, and could sneak up and end up being one of the best dogs in the competition before it's all said and done.

Comparable: Anze Kopitar

Andrew is a laid back, congenial dog that will leave a good impression on everyone he meets. He is also a very hard worker and constantly trains to improve his ability. He's not a serious competitor because of his age and limitations, but I wouldn't be surprised if Andrew impacted the competition in a meaningful way.

Gary Roberts

So there you have it. Greatest American Dog is on tonight at 8 on CBS. That's CBS: America's Most Watched Network.

(Okay CBS, now release my family.)