Douglas Murray, Swede, is a big fan favorite in San Jose, mostly because they have guys like Patrick Marleau on the team so who else are they supposed to cheer for? I myself have sung the praises of Douglas Murray, pointing out his cool nickname ("Crankshaft") and interesting hobbies (invested in revolutionary tap technology). However, it has since come to my attention that Douglas Murray actually kind of sucks and Matt Greene is far superior. How did I come to this conclusion? Matt Greene told me. Repeatedly. He's been bugging me to write this for a while now (and at the end there he kind of threatened me) to write this, so here goes. Here are his reasons why:
1) His face is manlier. Compare these two faces:
As explained to me, Douglas Murray looks like the friend of the main villain in a high school comedy. Matt Greene, on the other hand, looks like the guy that's not in the movie because he dropped out a long time ago. What really puts Greene over the top, however, is his nose. Look at his nose in this video; it looks like a Tremor. It's manlier than every bone in Doug Murray's soft face. It's the nose of a man that has fought wars and lived to tell the tale. If Matt Greene's nose were in a movie, it'd be played by Michael Ironside. (Matt, I'm not sure if that- OK, OK, I'll put it in.) In conclusion, Matt Greene, and his nose, are manlier than Douglas Murray.
2) He's a better hockey player. So far this season, Matt Greene has been on the ice for 1.89 goals/60 minutes, compared to Douglas Murray's 1.94. Greene has done that facing other team's top competition, while Doug Murray has been sheltered a little bit on the Sharks' 3rd defensive pairing. Greene also has the lead in blocked shots/60 (6.0-1.9). So if you thought Doug Murray was better than Matt Greene, you were wrong, weren't you? Yeah, I bet you feel stupid now. (Geez man, don't have to be a dick about it.)
3) His name is cooler. I know what you're thinking: "Hey, Doug Murray is a much cooler name, especially since Murray is Swedish." Yeah, but the important thing is that his name isn't Doug Murray. His name is Douglas, which is just above Zachary and Melvin on the Nerdy Name Matrix. Doug Murray plays hockey and invests in beer technology; Douglas Murray gets out of gym because of his scoliosis. Matt Greene, on the other hand, is versatile. Is Matt Greene a badass? Sure. Is Matt Greene a philanthropist? Yep. Matt Greene can be anything he wants to be. (Wait, what the hell is this? Did you write something while I was in the bathroom? Dammit, Matt, stay away from my keyboard.)
4) He's a better fighter. Look at the stats on Hockeyfights.com: last season, Doug Murray went 4-3-4 in his fights, while this season Matt Greene has gone 0-1-4... wait, that makes it seem like Doug Murray is way better at fighting. Umm, hold on. ... Okay, I've been informed that those guys at Hockey Fights are "fags" that wouldn't know a true fighter if it bit them in the ass. Additionally, Doug Murray is a bitch and Matt Greene could totally kick his ass. OK then.
5) He's not from Sweden. Matt Greene is an American, born and bred. Doug Murray is Swedish. What have the Swedes ever done, besides release The Thing?* Besides, they totally collaborated with the Nazis. Does that make Doug Murray a Nazi? (No, what the hell, man.) He's at least a quisling. You want to cheer for a quisling, be my guest.
*They're Norwegians, Mac.
6) He has a better nickname. Doug Murray's nickname is Crankshaft, which is far inferior to Matt Greene's nickname: Greener. ...OK, that's enough. I'm sorry, but Crankshaft is an awesome nickname and Doug Murray is cool too. I don't understand why Matt Green hates Doug Murray so mudlsaf;kj Greener is an dope nickname because it's just like my Matt's last name, just with an "R" at the end. What does Crankshaft even mean? Probably something gay, just like Doug Murray.
So, in conclusion, Matt Greene is awesome and is good at having sex with women while Doug Murray is probably gay. Probably with me, because I'm a gay blogger that cries when someone slams my face into the keyboard.
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