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Kings Gameday- Ballistic: Sleek vs. Kelly

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Los Angeles Kings vs. Phoenix Coyotes

7:30 PST, Fox Sports West


Left to right: Earl, Rudy, Rudy's pec's

As you all know, Earl and I hate one another.  Maybe it was the time I slept with his sister, or the time I slept with his mom, or the time I slept with him... the point is, we don't like each other.  We begrudgingly work together because, for some reason, ranting and cursing only goes well when it's balanced by puns and cartoons.  Things finally boiled over recently, however, and we almost came to blows.  Cooler heads prevailed (his, because I would destroy him) and we settled our latest disagreement with a bet. 

The bet is simple: if the Kings finish higher than the Ducks, I win.

If the Ducks finish higher than the Kings, I don't win.

It's the 2nd greatest bet of all time, behind the bet in Can't Hardly Wait (I'm Freddy Prinze, Jr.).  The terms of the bet?  Simple, yet devastating: sig change.  If I win, Earl has to change his signature to something embarrassing for the entire off-season.  If Earl doesn't lose, I have to change my sig to something like, "The only things smoother than Corey Perry's skating skills are his balls on my chin." 

And this is where you come in.

We are asking you, our smokin' hot readers, to come up with some ideas for good signatures that I one of us will wear in shame at the end of the season.  Post your ideas in the comments and we'll have a vote when I one of us loses in April.  My original idea for Earl was, "I sure do deserve a 'pun'ch to the face," but I know you can do better.

-The Kings have decided their 4th line for tonight's game and I'm this close to being excited.  They're playing Brad Richardson at center, Trevor Lewis at right wing... and Ivanans at left.  Whatever.  I'm still trying to run down whether or not Trevor Lewis is a wing or a center, since he's always played center but has switched over to wing this entire preseason.  Oh, if only anyone important returned my e-mails!

-The Kings have a new goal song, finally ridding us of that atrocious song that has plagued rinks across the country.  (You know the one, the one that kind of sucks.)  They basically ripped off the "Hey!  Hey!  Hey hey hey!" part of the Rangers' goal song, which is fine because that is the best part of the best goal song in the world.  Hey!

-If Shane Doan and Ryan Smyth collide while battling in the corner, do they turn into maple syrup?

-Speaking of Smyth, I don't know how to boo without sounding like the old lady from Princess Bride so I'm not sure how to properly show my displeasure towards him.  I'm thinking I might give him the snoot salute.  "Boo, Ryan Smyth, and again I say boo!"

-There's still no concrete word on what the special team lines are going to be, so it'll be interesting to see what the Kings throw out tonight.  On the penalty kill I think the Kings will run Stoll-Brown and Handzus-Frolov units, with Kopitar, Williams, and Simmonds getting minutes if needed.  It's interesting, the Kings have like 9 guys that can play short-handed.  Oh, that's not interesting?  Scew you buddy.

On the power play, I imagine the Kings will run Smyth-Kopitar-Brown-Doughty-Stoll, with Frolov-Handzus-Purcell-Johnson-Williams comprising the 2nd unit.  I'm not a big fan of having a forward on the backend on both power play units, but then again I'm not a big fan of Flash Forward so what do I know.*

*I don't get this show.  I've watched the first 2 episodes and the were just the worst.  The acting was terrible, the humor was weird and inappropriate, and why the fuck are people driving home the day after a global disaster?  I don't get shows like 24 or Lost either, so I think it's my problem.  Everyone I knows seems to think it's pretty good.  Oh well, at least there's Community.**

**I almost cried I was laughing so hard at the end of the last episode when the Dead Poet's Society teacher made his big speech and then started climbing a tree.  Also, "I will have... a birthday cake!"

-Things you learn from NHL 10's Be a Pro Mode:

  1. +/- is bullshit.  Seriously, I have one foot on the ice when the other team scores and it's my fault?
  2. Fuck coaches.  B- in team play?  I have 5 points tonight asshole!  I'm demanding a trade.
  3. Having teammates is the worst.  I dance around Jay Buowmeester, fake a shot, slide the puck over to Ryan Smyth... and then he misses a wide open net.  Goddammit.  (That's 8.)
  4. I'm a child.  I don't care how many games I play, hitting another player after the whistle and then chasing the ref around the rink when he appears is funny as hell.
  5. I'm also an asshole.  I never knew this, but apparently I'd get like a thousand penalty minutes if I were a skater instead of a goalie.  I'm supposed to be a sniper but I keep fighting.  Hack my leg?  I'll kill you!
  6. Michal Handzus will always be overrated.  I don't know what it is about Handzus, but he always gets overrated in video games.  The guy can't skate 10 feet without giving away the puck in real life, but put him in a video game and he's a superstar.  I think he has 10 goals in the 3 games I've played with him.  It's probably because he makes over $4 million dollars a year so people assume he's awesome.
  7. Seriously, +/- is bullshit.  I'm blanketing my guy at the point, how the fuck am I supposed to prevent that goal??????  I'm demanding a trade.

-Kings game tonight. I'm trying to think of a Kings team I've liked as much as I like this one, but I'm coming up with a blank.  I mean, I hate Ryan Smyth, Jack Johnson is a douche bag and Peter Harrold is terrible but other than that I love everyone on this team.

Kopitar's the future.

Justin Williams looks like the villian in a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie.

Ted Purcell is tantalizingly talented and I hope for the best.

Dustin Brown is the captain, bold and moral.

Michal Handzus looks like Beeker from the Muppets.

Jarret Stoll... he's there.

Alex Frolov is my high school girlfriend.

Wayne Simmonds is the meat train.

Raitis Ivanans eats shoes.

Brad Richardson is probably of Norwegian descent and is thus cool in my book.

Trevor Lewis is a big mother fucker and will hopefully be a badass shutdown player in the future.

Drew Doughty once made a mistake; he said he wasn't amazing when he was 7.

Sean O'Donnell is an angry old goat who once kicked an ogre's ass.

Matt Greene is a future angry old goat.

Rob Scuderi is an angry goat.

Davis Drewiske... is also there.

MEAT TRAIN!!!!!!!!

Jonathan Quick makes amazing saves and has giant ears.

Erik Ersberg gets carded when he goes to R-rated movies.

Terry Murray always looks like a meerkat when he thinks he's spotted a grub.  The meerkat Terry Murray, not actual Terry Mur... wait, hold on.


Yep, I think this may be my favorite Kings' team of all time.  Maybe it's coloring my predictions for this season, but I do honestly think the Kings are going to make the playoffs this season.

The Kings have a mountain to climb. 

Let's climb it.