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Kings Gameday: I Was Editor of the School Magazine!

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Last week the Anaheim Ducks had KISS Night and it struck me that KISS was the perfect band for the Ducks: they suck, they're over-commercialized and their fans eat it up because they're idiots. Then I started thinking about other metal bands and who they'd best represent. I'm not really into hard rock (Matt & Kim 4 lyfe!) but my old roommate Megalodon is a loser who thinks metal makes him cooler (it doesn't) so I had him chip in and help out. Here goes:


Atlanta Thrashers- Lynyrd Skynyrd

A pretty good Southern band that was done in by a tragic accident; for some reason they're still around.

Boston Bruins- Dropkick Murphys

Not really, but I just like to think that there is some guy living in Boston who hates the Dropkick Murphys and every time he hears "Shipping Up to Boston" he dies a little inside. Jesus Christ guys, we get that you like Boston, now write more songs about rats getting drunk.

Buffalo Sabres- The Glitterati

A pretty good group done in by their ridiculous uniforms/name.

Calgary Flames- Queen

Obviously.

Carolina Hurricanes- Edgar Winter Group

Both are led by a weird looking albino.

Chicago Blackhawks- The Runaways

There are a lot of pussies in this group.

Colorado Avalanche- Pearl Jam

Remember how Pearl Jam was really good and everyone loved them, then they started sucking and everyone stopped listening to them, and then they got good again but no one cared?

Columbus Blue Jackets- Great White

They've always sucked and they murdered one of their fans.

Detroit Red Wings-Metallica

They've been the biggest group in the world for a very long time and it almost makes up for the fact that they're all whiny little bitches. Plus they dive.

Edmonton Oilers- Rush

The only thing that exceeds this band's level of suck is their fans' insistence that they're actually good.

Florida Panthers- Buchcherry

Who? Oh yeah, I think I remember them. I guess they're OK.

Lemmy- God

It's a trick question.

Los Angeles Kings- Neil Young

They have been around forever in a lot of different forms and they've all sucked. Their Achilles' Heel (goaltending/ lack of singing ability) will always doom them.

Minnesota Wild- Pink Floyd

Jesus Christ are they boring. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIT, ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING!!!

Montreal Canadiens- Danzig

Angry little people everywhere.

Nashville Predators- Nickelback

They apparently have fans but fuck if I've ever met one.

New Jersey Devils- Styx

I've always liked them because of their frontman but I don't tell anyone. The people who like them are probably really lame. Like me.

New York Islanders- Cannibal Corpse

Haha, the fuck is this shit?

New York Rangers- Motley Crue

They're really popular and get a lot of press, but they really only have like 2 good songs. If you find someone that actually likes them, you should probably get away from them because they have chlamydia.

Ottawa Senators- Trust

Have you ever heard of a good French hard rock band? Me neither.

Philadelphia Flyers- Andrew WK

You think they're awesome because they're ridiculous but it kind of loses its luster when you realize they're serious.

Phoenix Coyotes- Metal Skool

Not so much a real band as a pale imitation of something that kinda sucked in the first place.

Pittsburgh Penguins- Kings of Leon

It's hard to tell who's more annoying: the bandwagoners who only like them now that they're popular, or the losers who won't shut up about how they once saw them in a honky tonk bar back in '99.

San Jose Sharks- Judas Priest

They're really good so people just kind of ignore that their star is as queer as the day is long.

St. Louis Blues- Alice Cooper

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Tampa Bay Lightning- Focus

They're kind of a one-hit wonder but that one hit was really good. (Hocus Pocus rules.)

Toronto Maple Leafs- Rolling Stones

For some reason they think they're still relevant even though their last good song came out in the '60s.

Vancouver Canucks- Cream

You'd think they'd be a lot better when you look at their roster but they never seem to do anything good.

Washington Capitals- The Scorpions!

I love them even though none of them can speak English.

Update:

Dallas Stars- Skid Row

So inconsequential I forget they exist!