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Kings Gameday: Everything Sucks

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Next Game

Los Angeles Kings
@ Edmonton Oilers

Tuesday, Dec 15, 2009, 6:30 PM PST
Rexall Place

Complete Coverage >

Teddy Purcell Sucks. I feel really bad for Teddy. During his entire time with the Kings he's been told that it's not enough to score, that he has to play every inch of the ice, that he has to dig in the corners and body check and play sound defense. In the past that hasn't been there but for most of this season it has... except now he's not scoring so he's probably going to get demoted or benched pretty soon. He's just a half-second to slow in his decision making; he'll drive down the wing and have space to shoot, but by the time he recognizes this the lane is already closed and his shot is blocked. He's a point-producing wing and he has 6 points this season. He has one power play point this season, a goal. That's ridiculous. It sucks for him, but I can't see Teddy lasting much longer.

Jarret Stoll Sucks. The guy finally starts playing well and then he gets hurt again? Jesus. The Kings centers for tonight's game are probably going to be Anze Kopitar, Michal Handzus, Oscar Moller and Corey Elkins. If you had told me the Kings were going to ice that center core in December and then ask me where they were in the standings, I would have bet thousands of dollars that were worse than 10th.

Dustin Brown Sucks. If Dustin Brown ever hits the net on a straight shot from 10 feet away I will die of shock.

Randy "Rohypnol" Jones Sucks. You suck, sir. It's like Dean Lombardi likes to have one former Philly defender that everyone can hate to focus attention away from everyone else's screw ups: Denis Gauthier last year, Randy Jones this year. And why in the balls is Randy Jones playing with Jack Johnson? I guess Terry Murray is trying to give the Kopitar line a little offensive support from his defense, but the result is that Randy Jones plays 20 minutes a night while Matt Greene and Sean O'Donnell play 15 and 14 minutes a night, respectively. I'm so mad at Randy Jones I can't even make a sexual predator joke. Wait, yes I can, I just did it in the title.

Michal Handzus Sucks. Stop taking aggressive penalties, jackass. I'm going to start believing you meant to hurt Ales Hemsky if you keep it up.

The Vancouver Canucks Suck. Jesus Christ what a boring game that was last night. That's the 2nd time the Canucks have taken an early lead on the Kings and then trapped the fuck out of them, but at least the last time the Kings were attacking most of the game; this time the Kings were just kind of skating around, looking like they didn't know they were allowed to shoot. I said earlier that the Dallas Stars are the most boring team in hockey, but I don't know, the Canucks are pretty GD boring. The only enjoyment I got in last night's game was from Frolov's goal and the joy in watching Christian Ehrhoff excel while the Sharks have Rob Blake skating on their blue line.

The Edmonton Oilers Suck. Well, not really, they've been pretty good lately even without Ales Hemsky. They're led this season by Dustin Penner and Lubo(!)mir Visnovsky, which is cool because they're like characters that join your quest in an RPG. The Oilers have won 5 straight and will probably win 6 tonight, although I'm not anticipating Penner being much of a factor because the Kings have a secret weapon:


Prediction: Kings win, 3-2. Goals by Williams, Kopitar and Doughty. Penner sits on the bench, wheezing, while shouting through grease covered lips, "BRING ME ANNNNIIIMMAALL FRIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!"