clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Who is the Biggest Tool in the Pacific?

New, 21 comments

Corey Perry.

But who's the 2nd biggest? It's an interesting question, and one I wrestled with for a while yesterday. I would personally say Ryan Smyth, but there are a lot of people who hate Steve Ott. And something about Shane Doan's face just bugs the shit out of me. So I open the question to you, dear readers: Who is the 2nd biggest douche bag in the Pacific (behind Corey Perry)?

The Finalists:

Rob Blake

#4 / Defenseman / San Jose Sharks



Dec 10, 1969

Why: He has a giant nose, he slashes and cross checks people like nobody's business, and there was that one time when he backstabbed the Kings. No wait, make that two times.

Ryan Getzlaf

#15 / Center / Anaheim Ducks



May 10, 1985

Why? Well first off, he's making the same face Conan does whenever he says, "Huh?" but he's not doing it on purpose. Plus, Getzlaf is cocky, takes bad penalties, and is balding at an absurdly early age and yet doesn't just shave his head. He's a bad guy from an '80s movie; he's the type of guy that would call someone "Stan Darsh" and think it's a hilarious quip. Plus, there's the fact that Corey Perry's toolness is radioactive and infects everyone near him. I guarantee that Bobby Ryan will start calling everyone "Broseph" within the next few months.

Shane Doan

#19 / Right Wing / Phoenix Coyotes



Oct 10, 1976

Why? Sure, he's a devout Christian that never swears and is by all accounts a great leader, but c'mon, look at the guy. And besides, he's a devout Christian that never swears. C'mon. Why don't you go get baptized or something you weirdo.

Ryan Smyth

#94 / Left Wing / Los Angeles Kings



Feb 21, 1976

I've had the opportunity to watch Ryan Smyth closely this season for the first time and I really, really despise him. He's a sneaky cheat, the kind of guy that will shove someone's Achilles Tendon with his stick blade and then act surprised when he gets dumped on his ass in retaliation. There's just something so insidious about him, so smug, so Iago-like about him that I can't even describe how badly I'd like to see someone like Doug Murray grab him and beat him until his nose merged with his mouth. You know on Deadwood, when Alma Garrett's father was beaten half to death by Seth Bullock? If something like that could happen to Ryan Smyth I would be eternally grateful. Or maybe like in Sexy Beast, where 3 or 4 people gang up on Ben Kingsley and murder him because he does things like give awesome soliloquies and pee on towels.* Yeah, that would be awesome if like 3 or 4 people beat Ryan Smyth to death... hey, I seem to have a boner right now. Huh.

* I can't find a clip of it but there's a part in Sexy Beast where Ben Kingsley's character is peeing into a toilet and then he randomly veers his stream to piss all over his host's towels. It's one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

Steve Ott

#29 / Center / Dallas Stars



Aug 19, 1982

Steve Ott is a douche bag that no one likes and he once was beaten up by Travis Moen in one of the most hilarious endings to a hockey game you'll ever see. Ott is a dangerous player and he likes to hit people illegally, so in terms of sheer shittiness he probably deserves to be on the top of the list; however, he is also kind of harmless because he sucks at hockey so I would put him near the bottom. Plus, he was once beaten up by Travis Moen.