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Facebook Etiquette

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I'm not good at etiquette.  Well, that's not entirely true; I'm good at 18th century etiquette, like holding doors open for women or standing up when they leave the table or knowing the proper way to spank them when they're being unruly, but I'm not good at knowing the proper etiquette for shit that hasn't been drilled into me since I was little.  Like, birthday cards.  I don't understand birthday cards so I generally don't buy them; if I do, they're usually like Kindergarten graduation cards or "I'm sorry your puppy is sick" cards because really, who the fuck cares what some pencil dick wrote on a card?  But you wouldn't believe the number of people that give me shit because I didn't give them a card, or I didn't wrap their present (because the 4 minutes taping shiny paper to a present is more important than the thought itself).  I just don't get it.  I mean, I guess I understand why they might be a little upset that I just gave them their gift in a bag, but overall they're just being whiners.  It's like people don't care about the thought, they only care about the ritual.

Another one that gets me is when you're waiting at the cross walk in your car while someone is walking across.  Every single fucking time they'll look up at you and then do this, this little hop as they walk across.  They don't speed up, they don't change their speed up at all, but they do this little hop like it's supposed to pacify you that they are truly trying to get out of your way as fast as you can.  I mean, just walk, guys.  No one cares.  I'm not going to have a heart attack waiting for you to cross the street.  Or, actually speed up and get the hell out of the way.  But don't give me this fucking hop bullshit, I see right through it.  And don't look at me like I'm crazy when I roll down my window and yell, "I see through your bullshit, asshole!"

Now Facebook has completely screwed me.  In case you are unaware or are some kind of loser that doesn't have Facebook, they have this feature where you can create Events and invite people to them.  Now, when you get an invite you have a few options, all of them bad:

Can Attend- This is saying that you're going to go to someone's beach party/key party/lemon party, whatever.  The problem with this option is that if you select it and then something happens and you can't attend, you're screwed.  The host is going to wait expectantly for you to show up and then hold it over you for the rest of their natural born lives if you don't show up.  Nevermind that you were in a car accident or your grandmother died, you made an oath to them and then you broke it; you're an asshole and you're screwed.

Can't Attend- I thought this feature was safe; after all, you can't make it, so why not state it to that fact.  Fucking nope!  I said I couldn't attend a friend of mine's party a while ago and then when I ran into her she was kind of a dick to me.  I was confused so I said what's up, and she told me that I was a dick because I didn't say why I couldn't attend in the comments of the event.  If you're me, you're fucking baffled.  I can't attend, the fuck is it to you?  Well, according to her, if I just say I can't go it makes it look like the party will be lame.  You know what's lame?  This conversation.  Goddammit, Facebook.

Maybe Attend- This option is for pussies.  Pick a side, you little bitch.  They're the worst, except for...

Don't Pick Anything- I know a ton of people who do this.  They'll wait to see who else is going and then decide if they can attend.  They're the Machiavelli of the Facebook world.  "Oh, but I don't know if I can go yet..."  What are you, the president?  You're sooo busy you can't plan more than a week ahead?  It's not like you're in Delta Force or some shit, you're not going to get whisked away on a mission to kill a drug lord in Colombia, just pick one. 

Remove from My List of Events- I don't know what this does, I've always been too afraid to pick it.

See, no matter what you're screwed.  It's like everyone else has a handbook to guide them through these situations and I'm left smashing buttons like a chimp.  And that's the problem with Facebook, it's pretty much become real life; everyone's playing by some set of rules but won't show me the rulebook.  The only way it could be worse is if... wait hold on, I just got a Friend Request.  My parents?  Fuck!