clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

You Gonna Do Something Or Are You Just Gonna Stand There And Bleed?

New, 19 comments

 If there's anything I love more than hockey, it's movies.  I consider myself blessed/cursed with an extensive knowledge of all genres of movies: I like oscar winners/gay dramatic movies because I'm smart, awesome action movies because I'm also dumb, and I know a bunch about romantic comedies because my older sister made me watch a bunch of them as a kid.  (Except for Moulin Rouge, I watched that on my own.  You like it too, don't lie!)


Of all the movies that I've seen, though, I don't think a single one of them is as watchable as Tombstone.  Tombstone is the perfect movie because you can start watching at any point and pretty much know what is going on.  The guys with the flat hats are the good guys, the guys with the red sashes are the bad guys, and the women are all terrible.  The only part that slows down the momentum of the movie is that weird scene where Wyatt rides his horse with that floosie, but you can just skip that part.  I was watching it for like the, oh I don't know, 40-50th time the other day (it was the part where Curly Bill shoots Fred White) and I noticed something: you know, the characters in this movie line up pretty well with the characters on the Anaheim Ducks.  OK, that's not really true, but I wanted to write this post anyway.


Scott Niedermayer is Wyatt Earp


Why?  Because Scott Niedermayer and Wyatt Earp are both born winners who always manage to emerge from a bad situation unscathed.  Neither looks for trouble but know how to handle themselves if something does go down.  Niedermayer can look deadly men in the eye and make them look foolish.  He's not the quickest on the draw and he's not the strongest man around, but he has a certain je ne sais quoi that makes him able to go end-to-end routinely and stand in the middle of a creek without once getting scratched.  Plus, both grow manly, powerful face gear. 

Bobby Ryan is Morgan Earp


Why?  Because both are young and full of vigor.  Because they often show a light-hearted enthusiasm for whatever they're doing, unaware of the dangers lurking around every corner.  Oh, and because both are annoying and I want both of them to get shot while playing pool. 

(There's this part right at the beginning of the film where Virgil says, "Yeah, but she doted on the frowner, and then there's this really weird close-up shotof Bill Paxton's whole face as he smiles and says, "That's right!"   For some reason it makes me laugh every time.  Paxton is my favorite bad actor.)

George Parros is Virgil Earp


Why?  Moustaches.


Chris Pronger is Johnny Ringo.


Why?  Because both are villains, but they're smart.  Ringo knew Latin and could quote the Bible, while Pronger plays great defense and can score goals.  They don't need to be evil, they choose to be evil.  And that is what makes them so dangerous.  They have a great big hole, right in the middle of 'em.  They can never kill enough, or steal enough, or inflict enough pain to ever fill it.  They want revenge for being born.

Teemu Selanne is Mr. Fabian


Why?  Both are a touch of grace in the rough 'n tumble Wild West, yet both show grit and won't back down to anyone.  Both are probably destined to die while protecting a ladies' pocketbooks; of course, the pocketbook in Selanne's case will probably be his own.


Earl Sleek is Billy Breckenridge


Not Earl Sleek, but c'mon, it seems pretty  accurate.

Why?  Because both have a slavish devotion to numerous characters despite the fact that nobody likes him.  Both have a particularly weird fascination to Mr. Fabian/Teemu Selanne and will react very womanly to their deaths.  Both are just kind of pussies.

Todd Marchant is Fred White


Why?  Both are fairly noble men in a sea of villainy and have tried to do what is right for years.  He usually must settle scores that belong to other men, but he never complains and quietly does what he needs to.  Unfortunately, he's not quite good enough to succeed and usually ends up bloodied or shot.


Ryan Getzlaf is Curly Bill Brocius


Why?  Both are the leaders of their ragtag group of miscreants, mostly because they have a certain charm that the others lack.  Both are quick to temper and sometimes do irrational things when they're under the influence, but at the same time they can both carry out plans of incredible complexity.  They could both probably lead good lives if only they weren't so damn reckless. 

(Getzlaf should probably have been Billy Zane since they're going to have the same hair style in a few years, but I thought this matched a little better.)

Corey Perry is Ike Clanton

(There's no picture because I couldn't stand looking at either one of them long enough to make it)


Why?  Both are complete tools that somehow escape certain doom unscathed.  Ike Clanton was so despised by test audiences that they had to add that he eventually got killed over the final scene, while Corey Perry... Corey Perry fucking sucks, man.  Seriously, he's a giant douche bag and there's not a single person in the world that actually likes him.

(Corey Perry get handled by Jonathan Ericsson reminded me of the part in Tombstone where Ike says he's going to cut Virgil's pimp's heart out, right before Virgil bonks him on the top of the head and throws him in jail.)


Rob Niedermayer and Francois Beauchemin are Texas Jack Vermillion and Turkey Creek Jack Johnson




Why?  Beauchemin and Niedermayer are both solid veterans of the wars and are good to have on your side in a fight, just like Texas Jack and Turkey Creek.  Loyal, caring friends, all 4 of them are people that do what is right and necessary.  They're not quite good enough to carry a whole movie/team, but as supporting characters there are none better.  (I would definitely watch a movie with Texas Jack and Turkey Creek.)


Andrew Ebbett is McMasters


Why?  Both have a larger role than is really necessary; McMasters seems like he's supposed to have this big subplot, but they ended up cutting most of it out to the point where you barely recognize that he was the one dragged to death by a horse.  Ebbett is supposed to be the 2nd line center, but he doesn't really do anything and you feel like someone must have benched him (or dragged him to death by a horse).

Mike Brown is Billy Clanton


Why?  Both are thugs that usually pick on people that are small or so drunk they're probably seeing double; however, they usually run into trouble when they find out that their opponent has two guns, one for each of 'em. 

Jonas Hiller & J.S. Giguere are Josephine Marcus and Mattie Blaylock Earp




Why?  The Ducks are Wyatt Earp in this scenario.  They're married to Giguere (to the tune of $6 million dollars a year), just like Wyatt's married to Mattie.  Yet they're in love with Jonas Hiller, who is creative and new in ways that Giguere can never be.  Plus, Giguere hasn't recovered from his laudanum addiction (or his dad dying, I'm not sure which).  The Ducks are stuck between loyalty to the person they made the commitment to and the one they really want.  Are they an oak, or do they want room service?

Brian Hayward is Sheriff John Behan


Why?  They're both douche bags.

No one is Doc Holliday


Why?  Because no one is as cool as Doc Holliday.