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BoC: The Movie 33 1/3: Die Darkman Die

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The problem with the San Jose Sharks is that they're under the mistaken impression that their life is a drama when it's really a comedy.  Their whole team is ridiculous and they always manage to lose in the most comical fashions; it's like every season is a season of Blackadder.  To acknowledge that I tried to cast mostly comedic characters for our San Jose part of the movie, which can be seen below.


The role of Joe Thornton will be played by Jason Segel

This casting decision is pretty perfect.  Both are big guys who are unexpectedly sensitive and both love puppets.  I can just imagine Jason Segel futilely trying to make toast before giving up in frustration.  They have the same type of beard, their dicks look the same, it's a perfect call!

I was also thinking that David Carradine would be a perfect casting call since he and Thornton know a lot about choking but that idea died a few months ago.


The role of Patrick Marleau will be played by Bob Newhart

"Hey, um, Joe, I was doing some thinking and, I, uh, kind of thought, well what I mean is, you should, what I'm trying to say is, uh... the puck.  You should, you should pass me the puck."

(As an aside, how awesome is that dog?  He has a more natural smile than Marleau.  I like to think that dog is smooth as hell and constantly tries to make Marleau look good but Marleau always fucks it up because he's awkward.)


The role of Todd McLellan will be played by Andy Serkis

They have the same look and both have that look in their eyes that let you know they're dicks.  Plus all the nerds in San Jose would probably cum in their pants if someone from Lord of the Rings was their coach.


The role of Marc-Edouard Vlasic will be played by Nick Jonas

I know they don't look the same age but we can make Nick Jonas look a little younger to play the part.


The role of Devin Setoguchi will be played by Ken Watanabe

In Hollywood, all Asian guys are played by Ken Watanabe.


The role of Evgeni Nabokov will be played by John Hodgman

The playoffs will be played by Justin Long.


The role of Rob Blake would be played by Michael Berryman

Who better to play an inhuman monster than an inhuman monster?


The role of Joe Pavelski will be played by Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel

Joe Pavelski: McLellan really speaks to me, the average Joe six-tooth.

Ryane Clowe: When did you get another tooth?

Pavelski: The sidewalk.


The role of Dan Boyle will be played by Danny Huston

Is it just me or does Dan Boyle kind of look like a dick?  I bet he's really an asshole, just like Danny Huston.  I think.  I don't know, maybe they're both good guys but they look like assholes to me.

Also, during the last Kings-Sharks game Jimmy Fox said the following: "If you added another 6 inches to Dan Boyle, and removed their jerseys, and had them stand next to each other, you would have trouble telling him and Drew Doughty apart."  Umm, what the hell are you trying to say, Jimmy?


The role of Mike Chen will be played by Ken Watanabe

See?  All Asian guys are played by Ken Watanabe.


The role of Megalodon will be played by Kiff Kroker

Let's see, a mincing little gaywad that loves Asian chicks?  Sounds about right.