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BoC: The Movie, I'm Burning Star IV, Volume II: The Smell of Fear

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Alright, so I got a call from my producer friend and he told me that we should really try to get a lot of animation and CGI.  His exact words were, "Make your movie more like Avatar."  So I complied, first by dumbing down the script so it read like an excitable 14 year-old's fantasy scribblings, then by making our good guys in this story all animated.  Enjoy!  Or don't, I'm fucking tired of making all these pictures.


The role of Anze Kopitar will be played by Meeko

We need a happy-go-lucky raccoon that loves to eat pancakes.  Sounds about right!


The role of Michal Handzus will be played by Scrat

You can't really understand what he's saying but his nervous habits never stop making you laugh.


The role of Alexander Frolov will be played by Flower

Frolov's a gentle soul in a wild place, just like Flower.  We may need Flower to butch it up a little though because Jesus Christ is he queer in Bambi.


The role of Jack Johnson will be played by Gaston

The role calls for a big dumb idiot that everyone seems to fawn all over for some reason despite his obvious flaws.  Gaston seemed perfect.


The role of Wayne Simmonds will be played by Puss 'n Boots

They're both dashing rogues that play by their own set of rules.  ...What's wrong?  Wait, you thought it should have been Donkey, didn't you?  Just because he's black?  Or better yet, why not Michigan J. Frog, you son of a bitch!  Jeez, you got a lot of growing up to do, mister.  You know what, just get the hell out of here, I bet you have a cross burning to go to.


The role of Dustin Brown will be played by Spike

I've said this one before but to me it's perfect.  The both posses the same lazy-lidded expression, a fondness for leaves, and a penchant for falling down easily.  The best call on the list if you ask me.


The role of Matt Greene will be played by Kronk

Kronk seems right since he's a big dumb guy that means well but usually fucks up.  Plus, I have it on good authority that Matt Greene hates llamas.  As well he should.  Fucking camels of the Andes, that's all llamas are.


The role of Oscar Moller will be played by The Brave Lil' Toaster

The odds may be against him, but Goddammit that little guy is going to give it his best shot.

(Oscar Moller should wear a cape when he plays.  It would make it that much funnier when he gets destroyed again.)


The roles of Terry Murray, Scott Parse and Jamie Kompon will be played by the crows from Dumbo

Because they look like birds, you see...


The role of Drew Doughty will be played by Winnie the Pooh

This one doesn't really make sense since Doughty isn't fat anymore, but Megalodon came up with it and I'll be damned if it doesn't make me laugh every time.


The role of Sean O'Donnell will be played by Launchpad McQuack

It was the only cartoon character I could find with a big enough chin.


The role of Dean Lombardi will be played by Hank Scorpio

Dean might be a magnanimous general manager, only out to do what's best for his team... or he may be an egomaniacal lunatic bent on world domination.  I'm not sure which.


The role of nut will be played by Donald Duck

Both are angry losers that never wear pants.  Why is it that a woman wearing a shirt and nothing else is hot as hell while a man wearing a shirt and nothing else is hilarious and gross?  Boobs, I guess.  Somehow it always comes back to boobs.


The role of Rudy Kelly will be played by Sydrome

A pathetic loser who envies people far superior to them, this character uses what little talent he does possess to try to destroy the men he once idolized in a vain effort to rid himself of his massive inferiority complex.  This character's a sad, pathetic loser with no redeeming qualities.

(Hey, that's not funny.)