Sharks Gameday: Rex Regis Contemno

(Because there are more important things going on today than fake hockey, you'll have to wait until tomorrow for the Battle of California Fantasy Report. Tomorrow there's nothing at all important happening in the world of California hockey).

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The gauntlet has been thrown, and I will respond in kind.

The Kings are one of the most persistent examples of futility in sports. Their best days are far behind them and their performance so far this season is only going to make their eventual collapse all the sweeter. It's hilarious to watch Kings fans try to talk trash or be arrogant about their team, since it's been so long since the team was relevant all the fans have forgotten how to be proud. If the Kings continue to play well this season you'll be able to start to hear the collective sound of their fans' teeth grinding as they wait for the Sword of Damocles to fall and put them out of their misery.

Also their jerseys are stupid and their logo is ugly and RudyKelly is just an awful human being.

And now on to the players!

Anze Kopitar: Kopitar is a little bitch who plays soft and always looks like he left five minutes into a makeup session to be an extra on The Walking Dead. Somebody get this creepy bastard some red meat or some supplements or something because I'm pretty certain he has anemia.

Kyle Clifford: I tried googling this guy and Google refused to do the search. A little message popped up saying "Are you sure you wouldn't be more interested in ANYONE ELSE on the Internet?"

Michal Handzus: Of course the obvious joke to make here would be about Handzus' hair. Because, seriously, his hair is HORRIBLE.

Justin Williams: He always looks like he's been sucking on a sour Warhead candy in between all the dicks.

Trevor Lewis: I'm beginning to think the Kings may lead the league in the number of players with first names George Carlin would hate. Dustin, Trevor, Brayden, Brad, Kyle...

Scott Parse: I heard he always orders veal in restaurants and doesn't even have the decency to finish the whole meal. Then when they ask him if he wants a box for his leftovers he says "no, just throw it out." What an asshole!

Oleksiy Volodymyrovych "Alexei" Ponikarovsky: I was going to make fun of this guy but I injured my back trying to say his goofy name. 

Dustin Brown: This hayseed idiot is your captain? Why did you choose him, did your first choice get his hands stuck in his pockets on the short bus again? Seriously, the best way to make fun of Dustin Brown is to just hold a mirror up in front of him:

Truly, an inspirational figure.

Jarret Stoll: Stoll has bounced around the league and into the minors so often not because of his level of talent, but because he smells like a sweaty ham.

Drew Doughty: If only Drew loved winning playoff series as much as he loved Oreos, the Kings would be set for years.

Rob Scuderi: Jackass.

Kevin Westgarth: He looks like a villain at Medieval Times.

Wayne Simmonds: On the advice of my attorneys I have nothing bad to say about Wayne Simmonds whatsoever. Except that "Meat Train" is an awful nickname that sounds like something somebody from Texas or the South would think is cool.

Davis Drewiske: He cried like a baby this year when the comic strip Cathy ended.

Brad Richardson: He annoys people by constantly cracking his knuckles, his neck, his toes, and his penis.

Willie Mitchell: Man this guy really sucks huh? He's so funny looking and - hold on - I'm sorry, I've just been informed that Willie Mitchell has broken three ribs sneezing and will be on the IR until 2014. I retract my mockery.

Brayden Schenn: He's constantly misusing the phrase "jumped the shark."

Matt Greene: Matt got this injury:

...while trying to shave.

Peter Harrold: This guy has two first names. It's like someone combined two guys who were mediocre at hockey into one guy, making him super-mediocre.

Jack Johnson: You know you're a real shithead when people respect the OTHER Jack Johnson way more as a man, a human being, and even as a hockey player.

Jake Muzzin: If everyone followed the rule "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" a giant ring of silence would follow Jake Muzzin around.

Jonathan Quick: I'm sure the Quick we are seeing right now will be around forever, and that guy who took his place during the playoffs last season won't be back, right?

Jonathan Bernier: This dude plays goal like George W. Bush runs a country. Hey-oh!

Ryan Smyth: Christ, this is too easy. This greasy-haired vulture-looking mother-fucker has always been a rat bastard, and it's a fitting punishment for all of Rudy's transgressions* that the hockey gods have made one of the biggest pieces of shit in the league into the Kings' best player. And if you want a glimpse of Rudy's true thoughts on Ryan Smyth, just take a trip in my time machine back to December 1, 2007, and the old BoC. Past-Rudy is correct on every point, especially when he compares Smyth to "Pyramid Head" from Silent Hill.

 

* = I seen what you did to that girl, Rudy! I seen it! That ain't right!

Prediction: Sharks win 4-2, with goals from all of Rudy's favorite players: Setoguchi, Pavelski, Clowe, and Heatley. Ryan Smyth scores for the Kings, and Rudy is forced to cheer for that which he once loathed, and a little bit of his soul turns black and dies.