I'm jumping the gun on this one a bit because, as everyone knows, Festivus isn't really celebrated until December 23rd. But I'm not certain how much time I will actually have to write on that most holy of days, so I'm going to be a bit premature. Lord knows it won't be the first time.
Part 1: The Airing of Grievances
"I got a lot of problems with you people! And now, you're gonna hear about it."
Over the past year, the Sharks have given fans plenty to complain about. Now is the time to bring it all out into the open, to let everyone know how they have disappointed you since last Festivus.
Marc-Edouard Vlasic: Vlasic, you were actually the inspiration for this post, as prior to the past two weeks I had a LOT of complaints about you saved up. But since you've transformed yourself into an offensive dynamo lately, I'll just say that I'm disappointed you didn't do it sooner.
Dany Heatley: You didn't score a hat trick on your return to Ottawa.
Antti Niemi: Early in the season it looked like you were going to prove all your detractors correct with your weak play. You've improved a bit lately, but not enough to give me much confidence. You still have a weak glove.
Antero Niittymaki: You haven't played well enough to own the number one goalie job.
Logan Couture: Per the advice of BoC legal counsel, I have no complaints about any member of the Couture family.
Dan Boyle: Sometimes you forget which net you're supposed to be shooting towards. Stop doing that.
Patrick Marleau: You have looked completely ineffective for much of the past month, and you haven't been worth what the team is paying you.
Ryane Clowe: You should have always been as good as you have been lately.
Evgeni Nabokov: You didn't get it done.
Owen Nolan: You didn't come back and play for the Sharks.
Joe Pavelski: You should have continued your domination from last season's playoffs. I expected you to score several goals when you got to play the Avalanche again. I wanted you to play so well that the team would make you an assistant captain next season.
Joe Thornton: You're doing pretty well so far. But I've got next year's grievance already written if the Sharks have another disappointing year. You're the captain and the best player. It's on you.
Todd McLellan: You've made me doubt that you have all the answers. Often you seem to just be throwing players together to see what sticks. You design some cool plays off the faceoffs and you get players to shoot alot, but there are other serious problems with this team that I'm not sure you can handle.
Kent Huskins and Niclas Wallin: You haven't been nearly as comically terrible as I was counting on this season.
Sharks: You didn't beat the Blackhawks. And you've looked flaky and unimpressive for much of this season.
Part 2: The Feats of Strength
"Until you pin me, George, Festivus is not over!"
This is the best Festivus ever!
Prediction: The Sharks all wear holiday sweaters and celebrate around an unadorned aluminum pole, with no distracting tinsel. They beat the Oilers 5-2, with goals from Marleau, Vlasic, Thornton, Boyle, and Clowe.
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