(I'm kind of swamped at work so I'm going to write about donuts.)
I went to the donut shop today to buy some donuts (no shit) before work today and when the old Asian lady (they're always old Asian ladies) gave me the donuts, she gave me a big smile and said, "I threw an extra one in for you!" I said, "Golly, thanks!" (I didn't actually say that, but I did grin too much when I said thanks so I felt like a rube) and went about my day. While I was driving to work, though, I started thinking, 'Wait, aren't they always supposed to give you an extra one?' Isn't that the whole point of a baker's dozen? What the hell is she doing making it sound like she's doing me a favor when she's supposed to give me an extra one? Maybe they always give you one and you're supposed to pretend they're doing you a favor and be nice (but there's no way I'm going through that fucking charade). I asked people at work and they thought that wasn't really a thing anymore, that they generally just gave you 12 so the lady was doing me a favor. I'm still suspicious. I bet she's always giving people away 13 donuts and then saying, "I threw an extra one in for you!" and getting all this unwarranted gratitude when she's really just doing her job. What a diabolical hag.
I stewed over this for about an hour so then I did some research and apparently they used to give out 13 donuts when they gave out a dozen because if you were a baker and you tried to cheat someone you'd get fucked up by King George or some shit; then it kind of came into practice because it's easier to fit 13 of something onto a baking sheet than it is to fit 12. So it's not the baker being nice or anything, it's just them covering their asses. I feel so betrayed. I'm going to tell that old Asian lady that I'm on to her scheme next time I go in there.*
*Old Asian Lady: Here you go! I threw in an extra one for you.
Rudy: (Shouting) Oh, thanks for the "charity," I guess I better get down on my knees in gratitude. I'm on to you, you old hag! You'll get no thanks from me!
Old Asian Lady: (*Near tears) I was just being nice!
Then I started thinking, "Wait, is it donuts or doughnuts?" Donuts is kind of a nonsensical word while doughnuts makes more sense because the things are made out of dough but then again there are no nuts in them because that'd be disgusting. Imagine how badly that would hurt if you think you're biting into dough and then all of a sudden there's a pecan. You'd chip your tooth for sure. Oh, and then I thought about yesterday when the gay guy at work was talking about his walnut allergy and said, "Which really sucks because I love nuts!" and I had to bite the inside of my mouth to keep from laughing. I'm laughing right now.
So I spent all morning thinking about this instead of doing anything else so now I'm busy and can't write this gameday. Also, I'm getting rainbow sprinkles inside my keyboard. No one even wanted the Goddamn donuts so I've had like 3 already today. People are so ungrateful today, you know?
Prediction: No one read down to the prediction so it doesn't matter what I write. I once killed a hooker.