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Olympic Gameday: A History Lesson

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Earl's traitorous perspective can be found below.  He has a picture of a dog in a hat.  Teehee!

 

Most people think that "Vikings" were uniform and alike across Scandinavia; this is false.  Each Scandinavian country had their own customs and... method of dealing with outsiders.  There are generally believed to be 3 different groups of Vikings:

There were the Norwegians, who generally traveled to Ireland, and later to Greenland, Iceland and even North America.  The Norwegians were travelers, although were not without their taste for blood; it is believed that the Vikings who destroyed the monastery at Lindisfarne in 793 (thus starting the Viking Age) came by boat from Norway. 

There were the Danes, who were probably the most successful pillagers of all the Vikings.  The Danes generally pillaged Northern France and England.  One Dane named Rollo the Walker (named so because he was too large to ride a horse) eventually pillaged so much of Northern France that the French king, Charles the Simple, gave Rollo a piece of Northern France with the promise that Rollo would protect the rest of France from the other Vikings.  This area is now known as Normandy.  Interestingly enough, one of Rollos descendants was William the Conqueror, the eventual, uh, conqueror of England.

Finally, there were the Swedes... who weren't really invaders at all.  The Swedes were traders, renowned for their ships and goods from faraway lands.  The Swedes are believed to have traveled as far down as the Middle East and as far east as Russia, where they were known as Rus.  It's true, the Vikings helped create the name for modern Russia!  But yes, the Swedes were not known as warriors.  However, they were still able to conquer Finland.

What I'm trying to say is that the Finns are pussies.

I'm terrified.  Not about the Finns, since they're pussies, but that the US will win.  I'm terrified that the US will win and that they'll face the Canadians in the Finals.  The United States won something more valuable than a Gold Medal last Sunday; they won bragging rights for 4 long years.  If we face Canada in the Finals we will lose because, I mean, c'mon, we didn't deserve to win the first game.  It's weird, I know, but it's how I feel.  I care more about getting to make petty jokes on the internet than the possibility that honor will come to my country.  Everyone feels the same way, right?

That being said, fuck Finland!  The only thing I care MORE about than making petty jokes on the internet in the future is making petty jokes right now.  FUCK YOU, FINLAND!  GO BACK TO THE NORTH POLE WHERE YOU BELONG, YOU FUCKS!!!  WOOOOO, USA!  USA!  USA!