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Creative Writing Contest

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Imagine you're me.  Now smile at the mirror and wink at yourself, you handsome devil! 

Now imagine that Ilya Kovalchuk had signed with the Kings for 17 years, $100 million dollars.

Now imagine the league had voided that contract.

Put what my response would have been in the comments.  Best response gets, like, a hearty slap on the back or something.