(Warning: There are going to be a ton of images in this post, so if you're not on DSL or better then you should probably get with the fucking program, grandma.)
On July 10th, 2010, two innocent hockey bloggers decided to watch the Mike Myers film The Love Guru.
They thought it’d be a nice idea for a blog entry. They thought it’d be fun. They thought it’d be harmless.
They were dead wrong.
* * *
Megalodon: Why are we doing this again? Whose idea was this?
RudyKelly: Mine I think.
M: Okay so you get the credit and/or blame.
R: Fair enough.
M: Today we are presenting the first installment of what will likely be a series: BoC at the Movies. We are planning to eventually watch and review every movie with a sizable hockey element ever made - there can't be that many, right?
R: For the first one, we're starting with The Love Guru, because it's probably going to be terrible.
M: Why would that mean we'd watch it first?
R: Shut up.
M: For those of you who make good decisions in life and did not see this movie, here's a plot summary to help you follow along:
"Darren Roanoke (Romany Malco), the star player of the Toronto Maple Leafs, is suffering from stress because his wife, Prudence Roanoke (Meagan Good), has left him for the L.A. Kings French-Canadian goaltender Jacques "Le Coq" Grandé (Justin Timberlake). The stress causes his hand to shake, which affects his hockey performance. Jane Bullard (Jessica Alba) enlists the support of Guru Maurice Pitka (Mike Myers) to help Darren with his stress so that the team can hopefully break their losing streak. In addition to getting a considerable payment, Pitka would be invited to Oprah's show, which he hopes would help him become the #1 guru, a place currently held by Deepak Chopra. Pitka succeeds, but feels no need anymore to become #1."
R: Sounds great!
M: Yup. In preparation for this ordeal, I read through the IMDB page for The Love Guru. I avoided the Quotes page, not wanting to have any of the "jokes" spoiled for me, but found this gem on the Goofs page:
Continuity: In the scene where Coach Cherkov hits Guru Pitka in the balls, this should not be possible as the Guru is wearing his Chastity belt.
R: Oh no - spoilers!
M: I was expecting the Goofs page just to say: "This movie was made and released."
R: Alright, the quicker we start the quicker this is over. Let's go.
R: Wait - is this Morgan Freeman narrating?
M: Yes it is.
R: What's he doing in this movie?
M: I don't know, but I'm starting a list right now of people who are too fucking good to be associated with this garbage.
R: Speaking of too good for this movie.
M: Man, this is a bummer.
R: His shtick is kind of tired [Note: Colbert is playing a recovering drug addict who falls off the wagon as the movie progresses], but Colbert pulls it off pretty well. So far the ratio of funny to unfunny is looking good.
M: I wonder how long that will last?
R: He has a rooster on his mask. Get it? Because it's a cock! Cock! PUN!
M: "Le Coq" would be a good Halloween costume.
R: Say what you want about this movie, they got one thing right: Goalies all have huge dicks. Also, I love the way that extra sells the fact that he’s impressed by another man’s dick.
M: I know, you can really tell he’s thinking, "Man, look at the cock on that guy." Way to go, random extra.
M: Jesus Christ.
R: I don't get it - his name is Punch, which shows Myers has hockey knowledge and maybe this is a "tribute" to Punch Imlach or something, but then he has a Russian last name that's also a retarded pun? That doesn't make any sense.
M: Yeah, and there's that other part - HE'S A MIDGET.
R: What’s wrong with that? You don’t think a midg- a little person can be a head coach? You’re racist, or speciest, or something.
R: How many times is he going to make that stupid face? It's infuriating.
M: Um...I think that's just his face.
R: No, I mean - forget it.
M: I like elephants.
R: He's not even stealing it correctly - he's just showing you the stupid bumper sticker.
M: Maybe the joke is that the sticker is on an elephant, instead of a car? Is that a joke?
R: No. With this and Timberlake's "The Man, The Legend" tattoo from earlier we have two jokes stolen from t-shirts or bumper stickers before the credits are even over. We are going to see Calvin pissing on Jessica Alba in about 5 minutes.
R: Nah, he's just retarded.
R: And does it go "BEEP BEEP" when it backs up, like a truck? You bet your ass it does.
M: I'll admit it - I thought this joke was funny. They greet each other by saying "Mariska Hargitay," like it's an Indian greeting. It was a funny joke - at first.
R: It was okay, but they instantly ruined it because they did it 5 FUCKING times in the next two minutes. Then they did it 5 more times in the next 10 minutes. Then they stopped doing it for the rest of the movie. I guess they were afraid of running it into the ground.
R: He's having a flashback now, and it's fucking disturbing. Mike Myers looked a lot like Peppermint Patty when he was a kid.
R: Ladies and gentlemen, Sir Ben Kingsley!
M: How in the HELL does Mike Myers get these people in his movies? With this and Morgan Freeman before we have TWO Oscar winning actors!
R: I'm gonna have to watch Tombstone after this.
R: Wait, so apparently he knows Mariska Hargitay? He's friends with her or something? Then why the hell was he saying her name all the time like he didn't know what it was?
M: Dammit, the one joke I liked has been completely undermined.
R: Every time this movie threatens to approach competence, they make sure to run the joke into the ground or have somebody take a shit on the floor.
R: God, I hate that guy.
M: In this movie, his character's name is "Dick Pants." Is that even trying to be a joke?
R: I don't know. I hope not.
M: The movie has been bad up until this point, but here I feel it is really crossing the suck Rubicon - there's no going back now. Guru Pitka meets the midget coach and makes a bunch of stupid jokes and comments about how he's so short - HAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHA.
R: Not only that, but he keeps fucking explaining the joke. He makes a stupid joke and then says, "See, it's funny because you are very short." That doesn't excuse you from a shitty joke, Myers.
M: I don't want to watch this movie any more.
R: Didn’t he already do that kind of joke in Austin Powers 3 or whatever, with the Mole guy? It wasn’t even funny then.
M: I don't know. I don't normally watch shitty comedies.
R: It's good for you. Keeps you fresh.
M: Wait - Timberlake is being a nice guy here? He's a good boyfriend?
R: Yeah, it seems like he really likes this chick that used to date that Toronto guy. He's singing songs to her and massaging her feet.
M: But that doesn't make any fucking sense - isn't Le Coq supposed to be the villain?
R: Mine certainly is!
M: Shut up. The summary we put up at the beginning of this is wrong, too - she didn't leave Roanoke for Le Coq, she left him because he was cheating on her with all kinds of whores. She SHOULDN'T get back with Roanoke, but that's what Pitka is trying to make happen. I have some serious issues with the story structure here.
R: You English majors are such fags.
R: Well it did attack him.
M: Yeah, but that's what it's supposed to do! It's a guard rooster, and this asshole is trying to break in to Timberlake's house! How is it okay that he just murdered this guy's pet?
R: Settle down.
M: No - this movie is completely backwards and insane. It's one thing to be bad, but this is just incoherent. Timberlake is clearly the hero and this fucking douche-bag is the villain. That's the only way this makes any sense.
M: I did you folks a favor with the screen-cap, here. This is moments before the elephant shits all over this guy.
R: Poop is hillarious.
M: This movie is basically just a two-hour shit-joke.
R: That's the face I've been making since we started this film.
M: We are watching piss-mop fights.
R: Yeah...*sigh*...yeah we are.
M: And not just any piss - these mops are soaked in the piss of Sir Ben Kingsley.
R: That's some Oscar-winning pee-pee dripping off Mike Myers' face.
M: Should we try and explain to people why they are fighting with pee-covered mops?
R: Nope. Moving on!
M: Are any of these the real guys?
R: No, but still: Wooooooo! Go Kings! I hope they win!
M: Um...this may be a very sad film for you.
R: I'll be honest - the actual hockey in this movie is pretty good.
M: Yeah, it's not bad.
R: But finding good fake hockey in this movie is like finding Monopoly money in a pile of dog shit.
M: That's EXACTLY what this is like.
R: Shut the fuck up.
M: God damn it - how is Le Coq supposed to be the villain?
R: Not this again.
M: I'm serious, this is ridiculous. Here he's acknowledging that girl during the game and blowing her kisses and stuff - he seems to really like her and she's happy too. And he still hasn't been mean to anyone in this movie, while Pitka has been a huge asshole. Why am I, the viewer, supposed to dislike Timberlake's character?
R: I think for Mike Myers just playing for the Kings is enough to qualify someone as a villain. Plus, Le Coq is French. That's an evil quality.
R: Yeah, I got not problem with these. Best part of the movie: little logos fighting. That was my favorite part of Schindler’s List, too.
R: Does that church board say "Choir Practice in Session?"
M: Does the bulletin guy really go out and change all the letters for every stupid little thing that's going on there?
R: "Janitors Cleaning Up, led by Frank"
M: "Closed for the Night: Worship Elsewhere"
R: "Molestation in Progress"
R: You know - Little Richie's mom.
M: Oh yeah. She is another one who is way too good for this trash.
R: Little Richie wouldn't be, though.
M: That kid sucked.
R: Here Mike Myers makes fart noises into a cup FOR WAY TOO LONG and does that damn "explaining the joke" thing again. It’s like he watched an episode of Family Guy, thought to himself, "Hey, I guess that’s what the kids think is funny these days," and then peed on someone.
M: You know, I already disliked Myers before The Love Guru, but this movie has made me also hate India, the Maple Leafs, and my family. I am now incapable of love.
R: One thing I've noticed is that Mike Myers is rarely the butt of the joke in his movies - he may be a fish out of water but everyone always loves him and he's the hero and everyone laughs with him and likes him and wants to be his friend.
M: True, he doesn't seem to really be able to laugh at himself or let the joke be at his expense - he desperately needs love and approval from everyone. In real life he's probably all insecure and has low self esteem.
R: Alright! We're going to win the Stanley Cup!
M: A bit of hockey realism in this movie - this terrible Toronto team is the Eastern Conference champion.
R: The East is awful. Wait...did I just explain your joke? Goddamn this movie.
R: Not another song. Somebody please tell Mike Myers he's not a rockstar, he's a shitty ex-SNL comedian.
R: So Jessica Alba is in love with Mike Myers because he’s just so hilarious and has dinner with him. For dinner they are eating these pastry things that look like nut sacks, and to prepare them this dude smashes them with a hammer for five minutes.
M: An excellent metaphor for what it is like to watch The Love Guru.
R: Why is Rob Blake taking a faceoff?
M: The same reason the church bulletin thing earlier had to spell out exactly what was going on inside, and the same reason Timberlake is supposed to be a villain but that's never established by anything that happens in the movie: because Mike Myers is a shitty writer.
R: It's kind of funny that Rob Blake's only an assistant captain, at least.
M: At this point Guru Pitka saves the day by getting Darren Roanoke to stop banging whores and wearing flashy clothes by getting him to... stand up to his mother? OK, fine, whatever. Then he goes out and gets a penalty shot with 1 second left.
R: What in the fuck.
M: "Ladies and gentlemen this is the end. This is the end of hockey."
R: To distract Roanoke from his problems so he can take a penalty shot, Pitka brings out two elephants and they start fucking right in the middle of the ice in the Air Canada Centre.
M: This movie is so god damn retarded.
R ...and Toronto gets a delay-of-game penalty because the dude doesn't take a shot and we go to overtime and the Kings win! Woooo!
R: This is such bullshit. We get it, Mike Myers - you're still pissed-off about the '93 playoffs. This whole awful movie was basically jerk-off wish fulfillment mixed with poop jokes.
M: Are you actually upset about this?
R: Well, it's fucking stupid! Fuck you, Mike Myers!
M: Okay, that's pretty much the end of the main movie. Other stuff happens but it's even less important than the regular plot was, and it includes yet another retarded song. Let's watch the special features!
R: You can go to hell.
M: Come on, it'll be fun. Here's one featuring the guy who trained the actors for the hockey scenes.
R: This guy says "This isn't a hockey movie. This is a great comedy with an amazing story that happens to have hockey in it."
R: Slow down there, Mark Ellis. Judging this film as a hockey movie is us being merciful.
M: Yeah, it's a pretty weak category.
R: And even in that group this movie still stands out as a complete failure.
R: The best part is that they made Romany Malco spend a month training to be a good hockey player, hired all these actors, really tried to get the hockey action right...and then there's, what, like one minute of real hockey in the whole movie?
M: Mike Myers sucks.
R: Slapshot 2 is a better hockey movie than The Love Guru.
M: Mighty Ducks 3 is a better hockey movie than The Love Guru.
R: The video of me dancing to Little Richard's "Long Tall Sally" at my Kindergarten recital that my mom shows to every fucking person that comes over is a better hockey movie than The Love Guru.
M: The Zapruder Film of the Kennedy assassination is a better hockey movie than The Love Guru.
R: Is there anything else we need to say about his garbage? I feel sick.
M: Here's my list of people who are in this movie who are too good for it and should have known better:
The Stanley Cup
The lady who played the aunt on Family Matters
R: Rob Blake isn't too good for this movie, but otherwise that's a depressing list.
M: Fun fact about this movie - according to Wikipedia, although it was slammed by critics and made much less money than predicted, it still made over $40 million in theaters.
R: That's not a fun fact at all. That's disgusting.
M: And it has sold about 500,000 copies on DVD or Blu-Ray, bringing in another $9 million.
R: I can't take this any more. I'm leaving. *Exits*
M: Another fun fact - we actually watched this movie a couple of weekends ago but it's been a pain in the ass to format and get this ready. To take the screen-shots I had to watch this movie AGAIN on my computer, but the only way I could make it through was on mute and x4 speed. It still hurt, a lot. The things I do for you people.
We hope you enjoyed it, because we sure as shit didn't.