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BoC At The Movies: MVP (Most Valuable Primate)

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Megalodon: So what did you pick for tod-



Megalodon: Oh Goddammit, Rudy.

Rudy: MVP!  MVP!  MVP! 

M: Seriously, why do you want to watch this?  This isn't even a real movie!

R: Hey!  You made me watch The Love Guru and I almost died!  A monkey's wearing skates, I'm watching this fucking film! 

M: Alright, alright, calm down, we'll watch your stupid monkey movie.

R: OK.  ...Sorry, didn't mean to go ape over it.

M: ...That was what, 15 seconds before our first pun?

R: Yep, I guess you could say there's going to be a lot of monkeying around today!

M: ...Fuck you.



R: I wouldn't exactly advertise that fact, Robert Vince.

M: Our good friend Bob here has directed 11 movies and every single one of them has starred an animal.  Two first names, creepy animal movies... there's no way this guy is not a serial killer.

R: He directed Snow Buddies?  I love that movie.

M: Do you think Sean Avery popped this in and was disappointed that it wasn't a biography of George Laracque?

R:  Haha, probably... well, wouldn't he think it was about Jarome Iginla?  I mean, the movie is about a good hockey playing monkey.

M:  What?

R:  Wait, is that me being racist, or just commenting on Avery's racistness? 

M:  I don't know if we should be talking about this.

R: Moving on!


M: Yeah, Owen Nolan!

R: Owen Nolan sucks.


R: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

M: Chimps are creepy, man.  Why would you make a movie with a chimp and not a gorilla or a monkey or... wait, is that a picture of his parents?

R:  I... think so.  Why are they posing?

M: Those aren't really his parents, those are just the chimps that come with the frame.



R: *Chuckles

M: Stop it.

R: I'm sorry, a monkey going about his daily routine is funny to me!

M: Stop calling him a monkey, he's a chimp.

R: Ahh, they're all the same.

M:  Now that's you being racist.



M: Umm....

R: Is he... acting?

M:  I guess... this guy is the monkey's janitor?  I think he might be... uh... retarded.

R: Ooh, Meg, you're not supposed to say that.  Calling him "retarded" is making that his identifying characteristic, when it's not who he is.  You're supposed to say he has retard.

M: Are you sure?  That' doesn't seem right.

R: I took a class on it, trust me.



R: I like how we're supposed to think this monk- chimp is capable and can do all the things humans can do, but when he's doing things like pouring coffee or brushing his teeth he makes a gigantic mess.

M: Well that's why he has a janitor.



M: Oh, OK, so the monkey is a research subject that knows sign language.  That actually makes sense. 

R: And he's trained by a guy that looks like Alfred Hitchcock.

M:  I like how there's this big auditorium with a whole fake apartment for Jack the Chimp and there are 15 people in this class.  That's the State of California I know and love.

R: This would not be happening under Meg Whitman.

 M: No way. Meg's first act as governor would be to have that chimp's organs sold on eBay.


R: Is he doing an impression of the janitor guy?


R: Here are other 2 protagonists, little girl and Frankie Muniz's brother.

M: Oh, fuck, this girl is deaf.  This movie is like a set-up by SBNation to get us fired.  People with retard, deaf girls, Canadians... they're just asking for us to say something terrible.

R: Have you ever seen the movie In the Company of Men?

M: No, DON"T do that.

R: I'm just saying tha-

M: Stop it, right now.

R: OK, fine. 



M: GodDAMMIT, Rudy!


M:  Oh look, now you made her cry.  I hope you're happy.

Mom: Did you make any friends today?

Little girl: *starts crying and runs upstairs

R: *smiles, opens mouth, sees Meg's disapproving glare, closes mouth

M: I guess it is kinda funny how her name is Tara but it's pronounced, "Tar-uh," like how a deaf person would say it.

R: *shocked

M: Oh right, sorry.

R: So these kids just moved from California to Canada and one is deaf... the monkey's going to get here and play on the douche's hockey team?

M: Yeah, pretty much.  And he's going to know sign language and talk to the girl.  ...What are they going to talk about?

R:  "You know what are delicious?  Bananas.  Yeah, I'm a pretty big banana guy."



R: You know, if you are going to be progressive and portray a person with a disability on screen, you probably shouldn't have them get outwitted by a fucking monkey.

M: Chimp.

R: Whatever.

M: I know, the movie is totally equating people with special needs to primates.  It's the movie that's horrible, not us.

R: Obviously.



R: Oh no, the professor died!  This would be sad if he had been in more than one scene!

M: I have to admit, that was a pretty well done death scene.  The record ending, the milk slowly falling to the floor, the camera tilting angles... this is like the Citizen Kane of chimp playing a sport movies.

R: OK, so the professor's dead, they're going to try to get rid of the stupid monkey, whose name is Jack for some reason. The janitor saves him and ships him to those kids or whatever, let's move it along.



M: Yeah, hockey!

R: I love other people's vision of what hockey is.

M: The California kid is all good, of course, but his team sucks.  Boy, I wonder if they're going to get a new player that turns the team around?

R:  I like how they try to identify the players with a gimmick like other sports movies, but they run out of ways to recognize people quickly so they have one kid knit all the time.

M: Yeah, that seems like something out of The Love Guru.

R:  ...Did they call him a Yankee?  Do Canadians call Americans that?

M: I kind of hope so.  It seems so delightfully Canadian, like Rush and drinking milk out of bags.




R:  Why does the monkey wear a watch?  And why do they show him look at it, like he knows how to tell time?

M:  How else is he supposed to know when it's banana time?  Actually, it would have been funny if he had looked down at the watch and it was just a picture of a banana.

R:  "Hey, what time is it?  Oh yeah, time for a banana.  Better go ask that little girl for one."



M: I have to admit, they do a pretty good job setting up why Jack is good at hockey.

R:  Yeah, they have him roller blading, mopping... the movie is really trying to sell you on the fact that this monkey can play Junior B hockey.

M: I mean, I'm not buying it but it's a solid effort.


R: Oh good, the janitor is going to send Jack away so he doesn't get sold to a pharmaceutical company, and he's sending him by himself, stowed away in his own luggage.

M: This is going to turn into Outbreak 2 in a minute.

R: Ahaha, they are on the train and everything goes dark and the ticket taker guy says, "Just a second, folks.  We're going through a tunnel."  OH, REALLY?

M: The chimp is seriously the smartest person in the film.



M:  Nevermind.

R: Haha, stupid monkey can't wear a beanie right.

M: It's weird how there are like 3 different chimps that they use and none of them look the same.  Do they expect us not to notice?  Sorry, Robert Vince, but not all of us are racists!

R: Monkeys are weird looking, man.  Have you ever imagined what one would look like without hair?

M: What?  No.  Have you?

R:  ...Once or twice.



R: And now for the rape scene...

M: It's funny how they try to show Jack as kind-hearted and awesome and everyone's first reaction to him is to scream or pass out.

R: Wouldn't you if you saw a chimp?  I'd be terrified they were going to rip my fucking face off.




R: Maybe I'm the stupid one but I really thought the chimp would be at least decent at hockey.

M: ...Are you serious?

R: Yeah, I mean, why would you make a movie about a chimp playing hockey if the chimp can barely skate, let alone shoot?

M: You're right, you are the stupid one.


R: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, best movie ever!!!

M:  Jesus, is his last name, "Ribchimpski?"  I didn't know Jack was Polish.


M:  BLUE!!!

R:  There's my boy!

M:  I'm going to be sad when he is slaughtered in the rampaging chimpanzee carnage.



R: Oh good, a chimpanzee in a school, this is going to go well.

M: I can't wait Robert Vince's next film, where a great white shark joins a water polo team.

R:  ...Actually, that would be kind of awesome.

M: Haha, everyone likes the deaf girl now that she has a chimpanzee after they ignored her before.

R:  I know, what a terrible message for kids.



R:  Boooo!!!

M:  Oh no, the evil... university provost!  I'm sure those guys are dicks!

R:  He's going to try to get Jack back right before the Harvest Cup?  That son of a bitch!

M:  Do you know what the hell any of the things in that sentence are?

R:  Nope!

M:  Who is that guy?  I've seen him in a bunch of stuff.

R:  Let's see... he was on The Big Bang Theory.

M:  Don't watch that.

R:  iCarly?

M: Oh, OK- I mean, nope.

R:  Friends and Seinfeld?

M:  Yeah, that's probably it.

R:  Holy shit, this guy has been in Alvin & the Chipmunks, Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties, this movie AND its sequel.  The guy has made a career out of being a snob so animals can give him his comeuppance.

M:  That's actually not a bad career.  "What do you do for a living?"  "I'm snooty and get punked by critters, how about you?"



R: I don't know who to feel worse for, Jim Hughson or Dave Thomas.

M: This must take a little bit of the sting off Bob Miller being in Mighty Ducks 2, right?

R:  No, not really.  I die a little every time I hear the word "roping."


R:  Oh no, they're going to take Jack away after the game!

M:  Now he'll never get to El Simian Nature Preserve!

R:  I feel bad for the guy who had to make that "Wanted" poster.

M:  The guy who made it for the film is really proud of it.  He bought the movie, had all his friends over, and then pointed it out and yelled, "That was me!  I made that!"

R:  And then his family pretends to be excited and then after a few seconds of silence his mom bursts into tears and he doesn't understand why.

M:  And that man's name is Robert Vince.

R: Obviously the only solution is to have the best player on the team take Jack to the airport so they can't take him away.  ...But wait, Jack's on the ice?

M:  Oh for fuck's sake, there's no way they're having the little girl be Jack.



R:  A chimp I can believe, but a girl?!?!?!?  I'm afraid you've lost me.

M:  Are you kidding me?  They are literally equating a deaf girl and a primate.

R:  Calm down, dude, it's just a movie.  You always get worked up over stuff like this.

M:  No, fuck that, this is unconscionable.  Fuck you, Robert Vincent.

R:  Haha, my favorite part of the movie:

Douche Kid:  (To cabbie)  Hey, we just won the Harvest Cup!  ...Isn't that awesome?

Cabbie:  *shrugs


No one cares.

M:  And then they put the chimpanzee on a commercial flight in the cabin.  Of course.



R:  Oh great, this fucking guy again.

M:  Where are they, El Simian?

R:  Yeah, I think so.

M:  Can this guy only work with chimps?

R:  Maybe he's Robert Vince.

M:  That... actually makes a lot of sense.  Everything's so clear now.


R:  And then Jack gets to spend the rest of his days at the world's shittiest nature preserve.

M:  Yeah, what the hell?  Those aren't even good climbing trees.



R:  Overall, that movie was awesome.  It had it all: drama, action, humor, chimp rape...

M:  Fuck you, that movie sucked.  Robert Vince is a menace to society and he should be put down like that chimp who ripped off that lady's face.

R:  Hey, at least it was better than The Love Guru.

M:  True.  Fuck that movie, I can't say it enough.

R:  Yeah, at least Robert Vince didn't have Jack throw shit at anyone.  Can you imagine Mike Myers having that kind of restraint?

M:  No, absolutely not.

R:  I guess you could say... Robert Vince is a little more highly evolved.

M:  Is that supposed to be a pun?

R:  Leave me alone.


(Meanwhile, somewhere in New Jersey...)


Lou Lamoriello:  Wow, that monkey can play!  Dave, sign that chimp!

David Conte:  But Lou, a chimp can't actually play in the NHL!

Lou:  Show me in the rule book where it says that!

David: But... it's a movie.  Made in 2000.  That chimp's probably dead.

Lou: I don't want to hear your excuses!  I WANT THAT APE-CORPSE SIGNED!!!

David:  Lou, you've gone mad!

Lou:  610x_medium