Megalodon: Good morning Rudy.
Meg: Big game today, huh?
Meg: Our two teams are four and fifth in the Pacific Division, both currently sitting just outside the Western Conference playoff picture. I think it's fair to say that neither of us expected to find ourselves in this scenario.
Rudy: Both teams have recently been through some tough times, and now both teams are struggling to keep a winning streak alive, the Sharks having one four in a row and the Kings riding a modest two-game winning streak.
Meg: Since the game tonight is so important, so monumental for both of our teams, we decided that we would do an exhaustive analysis of every player on both teams, every possible match-up, and each present our twenty-seven "BOC Keys to the Game."
Rudy: But then we decided that would be too hard.
Meg: Exactly. The hell with that.
Rudy: So instead we decided to imagine what it would be like if the battle between the Kings and the Sharks was settled in a different way: not on the ice, but through a six-part Iron Man-style competition that pushes the players to their physical, mental, and emotional limits.
Meg: Yeah! Wait...Emotional limits?
Rudy: You'll see.
Event #1 - Laser Tag
Patrick Marleau, Dan Boyle, and Devin Setoguchi vs. Dustin Brown, Matt Greene and Trevor Lewis
The Sharks take this event VERY seriously. They wear matching camouflage uniforms and face-paint (even thoughlaser tag takes place indoors under black light) and they have a team name (the Laser Sharks. Marleau thought it up and no one had the heart to tell him it was dumb). Boyle loves nothing more in the world than wrecking kids' birthday parties down at Laser Quest. Setoguchi cried the day they shut down the local Q-Zar.
The Kings players are severely out of their element here. Matt Greene can't get his gun out of the holster. They are slaughtered.
Sharks lead 1-0.
Event #2 - Chess
Douglas Murray vs. Kevin Westgarth
In this Ivy League battle of Cornell vs. Princeton, Murray and Westgarth settle their differences on the chessboard rather than with their fists. Douglas Murray plays a straightforward, powerful style that relies heavily on pawns moving straight ahead (he says that something about the strategy speaks to him on a deep emotional level). Both coaches keep yelling at the players to "mix up the lines," but they are ignored by the players.
Westgarth appears to jump out to an early lead, but Murray's European training prevails and Westgarth ends up with a bloody nose after a savage beating.
Sharks lead 2-0.
Event #3 - Disc Golf
Joe Thornton and Joe Pavelski vs. Ryan Smyth and Anze Kopitar
For those of you who haven't played disc golf, it's important to realize that there is a certain segment of the population that tends to excel at the sport. Like Kenyans and marathons, the best disc golf players around all tend to be, to put it delicately, hobos - or at least have some hobo tendencies. This gives Ryan Smyth and Anze Kopitar a distinct advantage, as they are two of the most hobo-y players in the league.
Joe Pavelski plays an enthusiastic but inconsistent game. Joe Thornton can throw some really long drives, but tends to screw up the putting. They don't really have a prayer. The Kings win.
Sharks lead 2-1.
Event #4 - Pie-Eating Contest
Kyle Wellwood Marc-Edouard Vlasic vs. Drew Doughty
Kyle Wellwood jumps out to an early lead against Doughty but is forced to recuse himself when the staples in his stomach pop out. Marc-Edouard Vlasic takes Wellwood's place but refuses to eat with his hands, describing the practice as "bourgeois." Doughty emerges triumphant and then goes on a profanity-laced tirade challenging any other Shark to challenge him, but he only does this as a ploy to eat more pie.
Event #5 - Kissing Booth
Ryane Clowe and Logan Couture vs. Brad Richardson and Davis Drewiske
Each side offers kisses for $1 a piece. The Kings win in a runaway but the contest is marred in controversy: of the $540 the Kings raised, $524 of it was donated by Rudy Kelly.
Kings lead 3-2.
Event #6 - Dodgeball
Antero Niittymaki and Antti Niemi vs. Jonathan Quick and Jonathan Bernier
After a close contest, the Sharks end up proving that their goaltenders are much better at evading objects heading towards them at a high velocity.
(Note: This contest originally pitted Jarret Stoll and Jack Johnson against Niclas Wallin and Kent Huskins, but the competition was eventually called off five hours in when neither side would be able to hit the other.)
Meg: So after all that, it's a tie? 3-3?
Rudy: Yeah. I guess so.
Meg: Maybe we can use tonight's game as the tiebreaker?
Rudy: Good idea. Who do you think is going to win the game?
Meg: I have no idea.
Rudy: Me neither.
Meg: I'm sure as hell not going to forget this: