So as you may remember, I was shopping around a movie about the Battle of California a while ago. The eventual movie that came of it was... not exactly what I had in mind, but you know how movies get distorted once Hollywood gets their hands on it. Anyway, it's opening this weekend and I hope you all enjoy it!
Now, on to my next project. Now that I've gotten my feet wet with a smaller project, I wanted to expand my scope a little bit and go for a more epic feel. My next movie is about the entire NHL, but the characters aren't players; no, the characters are the franchises themselves. It's pretty out there and I did A LOT of drugs when I wrote it. I think you'll like it! Anyway, here's my cast list:
First became popular in 2003, achieved acclaim in 2007. Thinks he's a counter-culture rebel but is really just an annoying douche bag everyone wishes would disappear.
Atlanta Thrashers- Brandon Lee
He sucked and then he died.
So good it almost distracts you from the fact that he's a tremendous asshole. Almost.
Perfect because when you think of Ryan Reynolds you think, "That guy's cool, I like him," and then you actually watch him in something you're like, "Wait I forgot, this guy kinda sucks."
Remember back in 2004 when Jude Law was in everything and we all thought he was going to be the next huge star? Man, we were way off!
Carolina Hurricanes- Will Smith
You know how your grandmother will see Will Smith and say, "Oh, he's so well-spoken! He's one of the good ones," and you know she's trying to be nice but it still makes you really uncomfortable? That's how Canadians talk about the Hurricanes.
Chicago Blackhawks- Tyler Perry
Popular but fuck if I can figure out why.
Colorado Avalanche- Val Kilmer
Used to be awesome, now fat and irrelevant
Columbus Blue Jackets- Josh Duhamel
Looks good but consistently terrible.
Because FUCK BOTH OF THEM.
Immensely popular, extremely successful, and faaaaaaabulously gay.
Check back in 4 years.
Florida Panthers- M. Emmet Walsh
Who? Oh yeah, that guy. Eh, he's OK I guess.
Los Angeles Kings- Keanu Reeves
No matter how horrible an actor he may be, I'll still love him and see everything he's in. (The Lake House would be the Kings from 2006-2009.)
Montreal Canadiens- Meryl Streep
Yeah we get it, you’ve won a lot, now just SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO AWAY!!!
Nashville Predators- Gary Oldman
Halfway through the season you look at the standings and you're like, "Holy shit, the Predators! What are they doing up there!" They're real pros. Plus it's fun to watch them get their necks broken by Harrison Ford every playoffs.
New York Rangers- Zooey Deschanel
More popular but usually annoying and underwhelming.
New Jersey Devils- Jena Malone
Under the radar but generally gives a better performance.
New York Islanders- Maggie Gyllenhall
Philadelphia Flyers- Samuel L. Jackson
Past success almost makes you forget that he's been terrible for years.
He's had prior experience playing a dead guy that everyone pretends is still alive.
Pittsburgh Penguins- Gary Busey
Gary Busey once had a traumatic brain injury and he came out of it fi... oh.
St. Louis Blues- Kevin Pollak
I didn't mean to be but this is honestly really mean. Sorry, Kevin Pollak.
You see Sean Bean's going to be in a movie and you're like, "Hey cool, that guy's awesome!" but then he ends up dying like ten minutes in.
Tampa Bay Lightning- Peter Dinklage
Successful despite his height handicap.
Toronto Maple Leafs- William Shatner
Only relevant in the 1960s, he has managed to hang on to the slight modicum of success he once had by pandering to a group of fanatical losers who will eat up whatever shit he decides to dish out.
Couldn't get William Shatner.
Vancouver Canucks- William Atherton
No one better at playing a douche bag! Plus he has red hair so that's a bonus.
Washington Capitals- Hugh Jackman
Watching him makes me consider switching teams
Enjoy the attention while it lasts, Sweetheart, because no one will give a shit about you in 2 years.