clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

NHL: The Movie!

New, 107 comments

So as you may remember, I was shopping around a movie about the Battle of California a while ago. The eventual movie that came of it was... not exactly what I had in mind, but you know how movies get distorted once Hollywood gets their hands on it. Anyway, it's opening this weekend and I hope you all enjoy it!

Now, on to my next project. Now that I've gotten my feet wet with a smaller project, I wanted to expand my scope a little bit and go for a more epic feel. My next movie is about the entire NHL, but the characters aren't players; no, the characters are the franchises themselves. It's pretty out there and I did A LOT of drugs when I wrote it. I think you'll like it! Anyway, here's my cast list:

Anaheim Ducks- Shia Labeouf

First became popular in 2003, achieved acclaim in 2007. Thinks he's a counter-culture rebel but is really just an annoying douche bag everyone wishes would disappear.

Atlanta Thrashers- Brandon Lee

He sucked and then he died.

Boston Bruins- Mel Gibson

So good it almost distracts you from the fact that he's a tremendous asshole. Almost.

Buffalo Sabres- Ryan Reynolds

Perfect because when you think of Ryan Reynolds you think, "That guy's cool, I like him," and then you actually watch him in something you're like, "Wait I forgot, this guy kinda sucks."

Calgary Flames- Jude Law

Remember back in 2004 when Jude Law was in everything and we all thought he was going to be the next huge star? Man, we were way off!

Carolina Hurricanes- Will Smith

You know how your grandmother will see Will Smith and say, "Oh, he's so well-spoken! He's one of the good ones," and you know she's trying to be nice but it still makes you really uncomfortable? That's how Canadians talk about the Hurricanes.

Chicago Blackhawks- Tyler Perry

Popular but fuck if I can figure out why.

Colorado Avalanche- Val Kilmer

Used to be awesome, now fat and irrelevant

Columbus Blue Jackets- Josh Duhamel

Looks good but consistently terrible.

Dallas Stars- Matt Schulze


Detroit Red Wings- Tom Cruise

Immensely popular, extremely successful, and faaaaaaabulously gay.

Edmonton Oilers- Elle Fanning

Check back in 4 years.

Florida Panthers- M. Emmet Walsh

Who? Oh yeah, that guy. Eh, he's OK I guess.

Los Angeles Kings- Keanu Reeves

No matter how horrible an actor he may be, I'll still love him and see everything he's in. (The Lake House would be the Kings from 2006-2009.)

Minnesota Wild- Kevin James

*changes channel

Montreal Canadiens- Meryl Streep

Yeah we get it, you’ve won a lot, now just SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO AWAY!!!

Nashville Predators- Gary Oldman

Halfway through the season you look at the standings and you're like, "Holy shit, the Predators! What are they doing up there!" They're real pros. Plus it's fun to watch them get their necks broken by Harrison Ford every playoffs.

New York Rangers- Zooey Deschanel

More popular but usually annoying and underwhelming.

New Jersey Devils- Jena Malone

Under the radar but generally gives a better performance.

New York Islanders- Maggie Gyllenhall

Haha, eww.

Philadelphia Flyers- Samuel L. Jackson

Past success almost makes you forget that he's been terrible for years.

Phoenix Coyotes- Terry Kiser

He's had prior experience playing a dead guy that everyone pretends is still alive.

Pittsburgh Penguins- Gary Busey

Gary Busey once had a traumatic brain injury and he came out of it fi... oh.

St. Louis Blues- Kevin Pollak

I didn't mean to be but this is honestly really mean. Sorry, Kevin Pollak.

San Jose Sharks- Sean Bean

You see Sean Bean's going to be in a movie and you're like, "Hey cool, that guy's awesome!" but then he ends up dying like ten minutes in.

Tampa Bay Lightning- Peter Dinklage

Successful despite his height handicap.

Toronto Maple Leafs- William Shatner

Only relevant in the 1960s, he has managed to hang on to the slight modicum of success he once had by pandering to a group of fanatical losers who will eat up whatever shit he decides to dish out.

Ottawa Senators- George Takei

Couldn't get William Shatner.

Vancouver Canucks- William Atherton

No one better at playing a douche bag! Plus he has red hair so that's a bonus.

Washington Capitals- Hugh Jackman

Watching him makes me consider switching teams

Winnipeg Jets- Blake Lively

Enjoy the attention while it lasts, Sweetheart, because no one will give a shit about you in 2 years.