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Sharks Gameday: Cockney Rhyming Nicknames

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"Finding Nemo" is my 81st-favorite movie of all time, and it's also a great source for Sharks-related images.
"Finding Nemo" is my 81st-favorite movie of all time, and it's also a great source for Sharks-related images.

Next Game

San Jose Sharks
@ Anaheim Ducks

Friday, Oct 14, 2011, 7:00 PM PDT
Honda Center

Complete Coverage >


(Editor's note: With such a long break between the first two games for the Sharks, Meg went a little crazy. He apparently thinks readers will be interested in "Cockney rhyming slang nicknames" he made up for Sharks players. We apologize to those of you who were hoping for hard-hitting hockey commentary from today's gameday post. That being said, if hard-hitting commentary is what you are looking for then you're sort of an idiot for coming to Battle of California. Seriously, what is your problem?

Anyway, there is some sort-of serious stuff about hockey down at the bottom of this post, for those of you in a rush. I'm sure lots of very busy heart surgeons and what-not read this blog.)


What's a Cockney?

 A true Cockney is someone born within the sound of Bow Bells. (St Mary-le-Bow Church in Cheapside, London).

What's Rhyming Slang?

Rhyming Slang phrases are derived from taking an expression which rhymes with a word and then using that expression instead of the word. For example the word "look" rhymes with "butcher's hook". In many cases the rhyming word is omitted - so you won't find too many Londoners having a "bucher's hook" at this site, but you might find a few having a "butcher's".

-Source, with more information and a dictionary of Cockney rhyming slang

In this post I will list Sharks players followed by their Cockney rhyming nicknames. See if you can guess the rhymes and other connections I used to come up with each nickname, then you can highlight the blacked-out text to see my explanation.

For example, sci-fi/fantasy author China Miéville got his first name from Cockney rhyming slang meaning "friend." The explanation:

China is short for china plate. Plate rhymes with mate, which means "friend."

Got it? No? Good! Here we go!

Ryane Clowe: Johnny.

Clowe rhymes with dough. Dough is slang for money. Another word for money is cash. Cash = Johnny Cash.

Logan Couture: Brother Superior.

Logan = Logan's Run. Run rhymes with "nun." A mother superior is like a nun queen. Logan is a guy, so change mother to brother.

Andrew Desjardins: Toyota.

Andrew = Drew. Drew = Dr. Drew. Dr. Drew used to host Loveline with Adam Carolla. Carolla sounds like Corolla, which is a car made by Toyota.

Michal Handzus: Warren.

Handzus = Zeus. Zeus rhymes with goose. The plural of goose of geese. Geese rhymes with peace. Peace = "War and Peace." "War and" = Warren.

Martin Havlat: Alexander Graham Bell.

Martin Havlat is injury-prone. "Prone" rhymes with "phone." Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone.

Patrick Marleau: Fanny pack.

Patrick Marleau loves fanny packs. (Not everything has to be a rhyme).

Joe Thornton: Old Salty.

"Thornton" rhymes with "Morton." "Morton" is a kind of salt.

Tommy Wingels: The Roofer.

Wingels rhymes with shingles. Shingles go on a roof.

Dan Boyle: Odin.

Boyle = Boil, as in water. Water = H20. H20 = H H O, which could stand for Hip Hop Othello. Hip Hop Othello = the movie O, in which the main character was named Odin James.

Marc-Edouard Vlasic: Ebert.

"Vlasic" rhymes with "Classic." "Classic movies" is the first phrase I could think of involving the word "Classic." Roger Ebert reviews movies.

Colin White: Mork.

Colin White isn't Ian White - he's the other White defenseman. Pork is the other white meat. Mork rhymes with pork.

Thomas Greiss: Bugs.

Greiss rhymes with lice (I think). Lice are bugs.

That was fun!

Anyways, hockey. Game one for the Sharks, which took place several decades ago against the Phoenix Coyotes, was exciting. Joe Pavelski looked great around the net on the power play now that the team has Brent Burns to play the point. Brent Burns, for his part, looked strong offensively but kind of inconsistent defensively, which is pretty much what was expected. His offensive risks are likely to backfire a few times this season, so we should come up with a name for that - like something we could say when Burns does something that leads to trouble for the Sharks. Maybe something like "The Sharks just got Brent'd!" I'll get back to you once I think of something good.

The worst part of the game for the Sharks was obviously the penalty kill. That's pretty disappointing, as that was a big problem last season too, as well as in the playoffs. It remains to be seen if the team will get their act together on the PK this year, but you can bet they'll be working on it a lot.

On the positive side, the Sharks took a ton of shots and scored a bunch of goals. That's great, but the team shouldn't get too confident yet - they were shooting on Mike Smith, after all, who sucks. 

Speaking of things that suck, tonight's opponent is the Anaheim Ducks. I'll admit that I don't know too much about this small-market team. I think their arena is inside the Staples Center parking lot or something. In my mind they tend to get lumped in with the Oilers and the Islanders in the category of "teams that were good once but are now pretty much irrelevant. " I checked so I know they've had some trouble scoring so far this season, as their goals per game is near dead-last in the league.

Prediction: Sharks win 4-2. Goals from Fanny Pack, Old Salty, Odin, and The Roofer.