2011-12 LA Kings Season Predictions

(Yay, it's prediction day! Here are predictions that are 100% guaranteed to come true or your money back. More Kings season predictions can be found at The Royal Half.)

Forwards

-Anze Kopitar continues to own.

-Justin Williams/Simon Gagne (pick one) has their first healthy season in a while and surprises everyone with their elite-level play.

-Justin WIlliams/Simon Gagne (pick one) suffers a nagging injury early in the season that hounds them, leading to a disappointing season.

-Mike Richards? Also owns. He and Kopitar will be among the league leaders in ownage. This blog will be renamed the "Kopitar/Richards Own Zone Featuring Cartoon Duck w/ Special Guest Appearance By Picklesnake."

-Dustin Penner has solid secondary statistics but is accused of laziness and "taking games off." (Editor's note: following has been copy-pasted from Penner's 06-07, 07-08, 08-09, 09-10, and 10-11 season preview. It will also appear on his tombstone.)

-Dustin Brown has solid secondary statistics, solid primary statistics, doesn't "take games off," and leads the team well. But he doesn't fight or something so fuck him.

-Kyle Clifford will progress nicely, jumping from 14 points last season to 20-25 this season while also developing his defensive game. Kings fans will laud him for this.

-Scott Parse will progress nicely, increasing his point totals while also developing his defensive game. Frolunda fans will laud him for this.

-Jarret Stoll will be fine but everyone will hate him because they want Andrei Loktionov on the team. Leading the charge? Me. By the way, did you hear that Stoll threw Loktionov's jersey on the ground and stepped on it after practice one day? That's a real dick move and I won't stand for it!

-That guy with the goatee (does he still have that?) and Eric Morrow will be utterly forgettable.

-Kevin Westgarth will barely play and fight every once in a while. He'll make over half a million dollars to do this.

-Kevin Westgarth and George Parros will call their fellow Princeton alums and listen to their complaints over the job market and economic climate; then they'll laugh and laugh.

Defense

-Jack Johnson plays better this year but, because he doesn't get lucky on the PP this season, everyone will wonder what's wrong with him.

-Drew Doughty plays about the same as he did last season but, because he doesn't get unlucky on the PP this season, everyone will praise his renewed effort this season.

-Alec Martinez makes everyone very uncomfortable because he outshines Jack Johnson repeatedly.

-Viatcheslav Voynov makes everyone very uncomfortable because he outshines Alec Martinez repeatedly.

-Willie Mitchell plays very well but misses a few games here and there with injuries.

-Rob Scuderi plays better defense than Willie Mitchell but everyone says that the Kings should re-sign Mitchell and trade Scuderi next off-season.

-Matt Greene does a lot of dumb things but still ends up being a good defender because he is big and strong.

Goaltending

-Everyone expects either Jonathan Quick or Jonathan Bernier to firmly establish themselves as the Kings' #1 goaltender and that the other one will be traded next off-season.

-Both play well at different times, Quick still has seniority, no one is traded, many online arguments are had.

Coaching Staff/Front Office

-Terry Murray will at one point get mad about a call and look like a dog with a shock collar on.

-Jamie Kompon will put on John Stevens' glasses to see if anyone notices.

-No one does.

-The Kings will finish in the top ten in goals against, power play percentage, and penalty kill percentage. Kings fans will find something to blame the coaching staff for anyway.

-Hey, why is our face-off percentage so low? Goddammit, Kompon! This wouldn't happen if Guy Boucher were the coach!

-Dean Lombardi will say, "I'll tell ya," approximately 1,300 times.

-Someone finally punches that guy at Kings games that always wears a sports coat over his t-shirt square in the face. (Please be true please be true please be true)

-Kings finish 4th.