BoC Exclusive: Interview with the Real (Fake) Dan Ellis

This season has been an absolute roller coaster for Dan Ellis, from hopes for a fresh start in Tampa Bay to his uneasy tandem goalie-relationship with Mike Smith to the surprising resurgence of Dwayne Roloson in Tampa that ended up making Ellis redundant.

But the big story this year for Ellis, of course, has been the Twitter controversy. In accordance with the wishes of Mr. Ellis I will not rehash the details here (he actually didn't want me to link to Puck Daddy like I just did, but as long as nobody tells him I should be okay), but let's just say that it was a major distraction. Since the backlash Ellis has become much more press-shy, with a single interview for Canada's National Post being Ellis's most high-profile discussion of the Twitter issues.

As soon as I heard the news that the great Dan Ellis was coming to my backyard, I made it my mission to talk to him. Imagine my surprise when, after contacting him through his Twitter account (@FakeDanEllis) he agreed to an interview!

I caught up with Mr. Ellis at Disneyland's Grand Californian hotel, which he has purchased and is in the process of renovating to become his home until more suitable lodgings can be found. Our interview was conducted amidst a bustle of activity, as box after box of Ellis' belongings were carried in by teams of laborers. We were frequently interrupted by Ellis's seemingly innumerable servants asking where he wanted various items placed in his new home. A discussion about a particularly valuable crystal tiara delayed the start of the interview by fifteen minutes.

Dan Ellis: *shouting at servants* ...it's simple! Any more tiaras or crowns you lazy dolts stumble upon should be polished and placed in one of the display cases on the fifth floor. Unless they're part of the throne-room set, of course, in which case they should go in the throne room. *Ellis shakes his head and turns to me* I'm terribly sorry. It's so hard to find good help these days. Please, have a seat.

Megalodon: Thanks you so much for agreeing to this interview, Dan - I'm sorry, can I call you Dan?

DE: No.

M: Alright then, Mr. Ellis it is. First off, how are you?

DE: Terribly busy, of course. It's a lot of work to move across the country.

M: I'll bet. Well thanks again for taking the time to speak to me today.

DE:  It's no trouble at all - in fact, I'm grateful. I've been looking for an opportunity to set the record straight - to let the people know the real me. I mean, with all the stuff that happened on Twitter, with everyone getting all jazzed up, some people started talking about me like I was some sort of heartless millionaire. I'm really just a regular guy. I have tiny helper robots that put my pants on one leg at a time just like everybody else.

M: ...totally. Now let me ask you something a lot of people have probably been wondering about: do you think you did anything wrong with the whole "complaining about escrow" controversy?

DE: No, I don't think so. It was something that really bothered me, and it still does. I may be rich compared to some people, but I have real troubles in my life, and for some reason nobody takes them seriously. I thought Twitter was supposed to be about letting people connect with each other, but whenever I open up about things that bother me - like the declining quality of  man-servants or the high price of manatee meat, for example - everyone just makes fun of me.

M: Manatee meat?

DE: *shaking his head, looking irritated* Yes, manatee meat. What else do you propose I feed my albino alligators?

M: Right, right, of course.

DE: I mean, nobody takes my problems seriously at all. Like yesterday, I got in a furious argument with a police officer, and he had no sympathy for my plight at all. He actually gave me a ticket!

M: A ticket? What happened?

DE: It was Saturday morning. The box containing Jeeves hadn't arrived from Florida yet, so I was driving myself around on the freeway when I was pulled over. The officer tried to cite me for misuse of the carpool lane, and when I patiently explained to him that my car did in fact contain a pool, he just laughed at me!

M: Unbelievable. I can see how that could be frustrating.

DE: *looking sad while sipping lobster bisque from a golden chalice* Can we please talk about something else?

M: Of course, of course. Why don't you tell me what else you have been doing since you arrived in Southern California? Have you had a chance to take in any of the famous sights?

DE: Over the weekend I went shopping at the Getty museum, to pick up a few paintings and sculptures for my bathroom. That was amusing for a while, but there were far too many poor people there. I found out that the place had no entry fee and I can't tell you how filthy I felt. It's just disgraceful.

M: And how about your teammates? Have you gotten a chance to bond with them at all?

DE: A bit. I like George Parros a lot.

M: Parros? Really?

DE: I know, it seems strange. When I first saw him I assumed he was a commoner purely due to mustache. But it turns out he's actually a Princeton man, and he majored in Economics. Over dinner last night we had a fascinating discussion about tax shelters.

M: That's great. What about your current partner in goal in Anaheim, Ray Emery?

DE:  Emery? I haven't really had much time to speak to him, honestly. He seems okay - though he's certainly no Mike Smith. I think I'll really get along with Jonas Hiller though. Like him I too once suffered from a nasty bit of vertigo. It happened a few years ago when I purchased a trip into space, and it took me months to feel grounded again.

M: Well I'm glad to hear that you're finding some friends here in Southern California. We're almost out of time, so I'll give you the last word. Here's your chance to really communicate with everyone out there. What else would you like the people to know, straight from your mouth to their eyes?

DE: *thinks for a moment* I'm very, very rich.

M:  ...is that it? You're rich?

DE: *puzzled* What else is there?

 

(Per the request of Mr. Ellis's legal team, portions of this interview have been removed, including a seventeen minute rant from Mr. Ellis directed at "filthy Twitter peasants" and "that stupid Puck Daddy guy.")