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Sharks Gameday: So Far, So Bad

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Vancouver Canucks
@ San Jose Sharks

Friday, May 20, 2011, 6:00 PM PDT
HP Pavilion

Complete Coverage >


I don't cook for myself very often, but when I do I try to cook a bunch of food so that I'll have leftovers during the week that I can eat for lunch. One day during my college years I was making spaghetti, and I was making a lot of it. I had this huge pot full of water, and it took forever to bring it to a boil because there was so much water and our burners were really weak.

When the water finally started boiling I added the spaghetti noodles. I waited the package-recommended amount of time and then checked the noodles, but they weren't anywhere near done. It took forever. By this time I was starving, and kept burning myself trying to test the noodles because I'm impatient and dumb.

Finally, after about an hour, the noodles were done. I poured out the water and put all the noodles on a big plate for some reason - this part is sort of hazy in my memory. The point is that I had this giant pile of spaghetti noodles on a plate. I picked up the plate and turned to walk to the dining room table. If I had given this action some thought it might have occurred to me that there are very few things in this universe that have less friction than wet spaghetti noodles. Unfortunately I was dizzy with hunger by this point, and it didn't even cross my mind.

I turned sideways with the plate in my hand, then stopped. The spaghetti noodles didn't stop. The giant pile of noodles slid smoothly off the plate and on to the kitchen floor. And since this was a house inhabited by male college students, the floor was completely filthy. The noodles were ruined.

I stood staring at the dining room table, which was all set up with my drink, the Parmesan cheese, napkins, utensils - the works.

I don't remember what happened next, but I'm pretty sure I cried.

Game two for the Sharks started off fine. For the first period, just like last time, the Sharks and Canucks looked evenly-matched, and the Sharks were spending a fair amount of time on the attack. Then the whole team dropped their spaghetti on the floor, and it was just awful.

Megalodon's Keys to the Game, brought to you by Skittles, taste the rainbow!

1. Stop playing like a bunch of idiots.

Patrick Marleau, don't fight people. You're bad at it and it's embarrassing and that's not why you're on the team. If someone is pushing you around you're big enough to push them back, sure, but don't drop your gloves and start punching people any more - unless it's one of the Sedins. Then it's okay.

Antti Niemi, there's no more room for error. There are no more write-off games. If the rest of the team sucks, we need you to be amazing. No, it's not a fair request, but that's how it's got to be.

Joe Pavelski, wake the hell up. If you don't get your shit together then Todd McLellan's going to keep messing with that third line, even though that's a bad idea. Your line was a force against the Red Wings even when you weren't scoring, and we really need you to find a way to do that again.

Whole team, stop taking stupid penalties. Move your feet, keep your sticks on the ice, and keep your hands to yourself.

Benn Ferriero, you're cool. Seriously - good game, dude.

2. Throw the puck at Roberto Luongo a bunch, because he really isn't that good.

Early in game two, before the whole game went all floor-spaghetti for the Sharks, San Jose had several close calls and good opportunities - including hitting the post - that came from simply throwing the puck around the net somewhere. Roberto Luongo hasn't been tested so far in this series - which is lucky for him, because he hasn't looked good at all. He's giving up rebounds and not squaring-up to the shooters correctly. He scrambles in the crease, gets pissed off when guys crash the net and snow him in the face, and can't track pucks through traffic at all. The key to scoring more against the Canucks is to make Luongo try to handle or cover the puck and to crash the net constantly.

So, like, do that. Okay?

3. Knock Ben Eager out with chloroform, hog-tie him, throw him in a safe, wrap chains around the safe, throw the safe in the ocean.

Some people might say that it isn't fair to blame a single player, especially a fourth-line player, for a defeat that was really a team-wide failure. I'm not one of those people. Fuck Ben Eager. He's stupid and shitty at hockey and he took selfish, momentum-killing penalties and threw off the team's rhythm and is not the kind of player that the Sharks need in this series at all. Scott Nichol and Benn Ferriero are good players and both had solid games last night. Jamal Mayers should be the final player in the line-up just because he's not Ben Eager.

The Sharks really really need to win these two games in San Jose.

Who wants spaghetti?

Prediction: Sharks decide they aren't done playing hockey yet, and win 5-4. Goals by Thornton, Marleau, Ferriero, Pavelski, and Roberto Luongo after he does something stupid.