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Free Agent Dreams

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Drew Doughty would be a more highly respected player if not for his undying love of fake heart attacks.
Drew Doughty would be a more highly respected player if not for his undying love of fake heart attacks.

With the recent news that the Sharks will not be resigning Scott Nichol or Jamal Mayers, and some hints from Doug Wilson that Ian White may not be back either, the time has come to start thinking about what additions the San Jose Sharks can make during the off-season to help take the team to the next level. With the new salary cap expected to be around $64 million, the team has a good amount of flexibility in their roster, and fans are rightly excited to see what the next couple of months will bring.

Here is a list of some restricted and unrestricted free agents I think the Sharks should pursue, along with the associated "Pros" and "Cons" as I see them.

 

Drew Doughty

Pros: It will make Rudy really mad. He's a pretty good player too, but that's of secondary importance.

Cons: Fat. Also it's really hard to get that Kings-stink off of players.

 

Ed Jovanovski

Pros: Jovanovski is a tough defenseman with loads of experience. Plus he's Macedonian, which might mean he's related to Alexander the Great, who was great.

Cons: Old and often injured. And upon further Wiki-review, being Macedonian is really complicated, and Jovanovski's probably not related to Alexander the Great after all, so forget I mentioned that. I should go back and take that part out I guess, but yesterday the backspace key broke off my keyboard and now I can't fix any mistajkesd. Damn it1

 

Dan Ellis (technically Ellis is signed for another year, but I have it on good authority that Dan will go play for whichever team offers him the most money, regardless of contract).

Pros: Solid backup goaltender. Making him move again would be hilarious.

Cons: Snooty. Plus Ellis' demand for caviar in his water-bottles could be a problem.

 

Liam Neeson

Pros: Irish, like the best player ever. He will beat the hell out of anyone on the opposing team if we can somehow convince him that they kidnapped his daughter.

Cons: The Phantom Menace, The Clash of the Titans, and the upcoming movie based on the board-game Battleship.

Brad Richards

Pros: Elite scorer.

Cons: Lady Byng finalist.

 

The Thrasher Guardian

Pros: Currently unemployed, so signing him will probably be cheap.

Cons: Stupid powers and stupid helmet. Also, stupid.

 

Scott Hannan

Pros: Solid mid-pair defenseman.

Cons: Named his son "Gage." Looks like a hobbit.

 

A Five Guys Burger

Pros: Delicious. Comes with free peanuts.

Cons: Confusing name could lead to a number of "too many men" penalties.

 

Teemu Selanne

Pros: Might be willing to sign for less than market value in order to play for a contender.

Cons: Sometimes spells his last name with those two little dots over the letter "a", which is just plain goofy.

 

Shredder

Pros: Excellent fourth-line grinder. Ninja reflexes.

Cons: Never stops slashing people.

 

Ian White

Pros: Offensive upside and young legs make White a player I'd love to see in a Sharks uniform some day. Here's hoping I get my wish!

Cons: He's almost TOO white.

 

Horrible eBay Hockey Doll

Pros: Only costs $19.95, so fits comfortably under the salary cap.

Cons: A terrible insult to all that is good and innocent in the world. Soft around the crease.

 

Shea Weber

Pros: Beard.

Cons: Doesn't always have a beard.

 

Carl Sagan

Pros: Brilliant student of the game. Kickass turtlenecks.

Cons: Since his death in 1996, Sagan has been unable to regain the necessary skating speed to get past elite defenders.

 

What do you think? Who would you like to see the Sharks sign?