If you're reading this blog you're probably a hockey fan, and if you're a hockey fan there's a good chance it's because of your dad. "Hockey Moms" may get the bulk of the media attention and the fancy car commercials and stuff, but most often it's dads - overly passionate, drunken, irresponsible dads - who first spark a child's interest in the Greatest Sport.
Father's Day is June 19th. If you really love your dad, you'll buy him some of this hockey garbage from eBay.
Item #1 - Abstract Cubism NHL Hockey Goalie Painting
Description: This is a 16x20 oil painting by an artist known as "Tommervik." It depicts a hockey goalie, sort of.
Price: This pretty cool painting can be yours for a "Buy it Now" price of ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
That's not a typo. To buy this painting out-right, it costs a million dollars. I looked all over this listing to try to find the part of the description that justifies this outlandish asking price, but alas, there was no "painting is made of pure cocaine" or "painting comes packed with $999,990."
Oh, and shipping is an additional ten dollars, so make sure you take that into consideration too.
To be fair, the listing also provides potential buyers the opportunity to "Make an Offer," which the seller will presumably consider if no one bites on the ONE MILLION DOLLARS price tag by the time the sale closes. The "Make an Offer" button may backfire, however, because if you readers are anything like me you're instantly tempted to make a single-digit offer for this painting.
"One million dollars? Nah. I'll give ya a buck."
A perfect gift for: Dads who are hockey fans, art collectors, and whose children are stupid billionaires.
Item #2 - Hockey Boy Stand In
Description: This is a life-size, faceless cut-out of a young boy hockey goalie, I guess. It's pretty creepy.
I'm having a really hard time figuring out why anyone would ever buy this. Maybe you have a son who is really into hockey, and wants to have this on his wall with a picture of his own face on it? But then wouldn't he want one with his favorite NHL team's jersey, or the team he plays for, rather than just "the Blue team?"
Or maybe this is for a birthday party or something, and kids can stick their face in the hole and get their picture taken? But who are we kidding - any boy who had something that lame at his birthday wouldn't have any friends at the party in the first place.
Seriously - what's the deal?
Price: 35 dollars.
A perfect gift for: If you think your father would enjoy this gift at all, please alert the proper authorities. He's clearly a pedophile with a very specific fetish.
Item #3 - Flyers Russian Nesting Dolls
Description: I don't know where to start. What sort of diseased mind dedicated their time to hand-painting John LeClair, Robert Esche, and other members of the 02-03 Philadelphia Flyers on a set of Russian nesting dolls?
I love how the curve on the tops of the dolls makes all the players' faces look stretched-out and goofy. Even more stretched-out and goofy than is normal for hockey players, I mean.
Price: The starting bid is $33.99. As of press time, there have been zero bidders for this item.
A perfect gift for: Does your dad love Flyers hockey? Is he also a fan of things going inside slightly larger things? Well then this has his name all over it!
Item #4 - Danbury Mint "Mark" hockey player doll
Description: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
This thing is just horrible. Those eyes...those tiny, grasping hands...Jesus.
The listing doesn't say how tall this monstrosity is, so it could be anywhere from action-figure size up to grim-mockery-of-life-size. It comes with hockey accessories and a cap and stuff, but you know that whoever buys this is just going to have it naked all the time anyway.
The seller's description of the doll includes this gem:
Like new "Mark" by Elke Hutchens, by Danbury Mint. Mark was never played with and adult owned.
I'm compiling a list of really creepy things, and "Adults referring to dolls by human names when communicating with other adults" is going right on top.
"Mark was never played with and adult owned." God damn it. I'm going to have nightmares now.
Price: Buy it now for $19.95. The seller could make significantly more money by threatening to mail this doll to people UNLESS they pay him money.
A perfect gift for: Again, pedophiles. Sorry folks.
Item #5 - Hockey Rosary Italian Crucifix
Description: A hand-made rosary thing with hockey puck beads.They have other ones with little baseball beads or whatever, but those are just stupid.
Price: $14.99. God needs money!
A perfect gift for: According to the description, it's "a fun and easy way for children to learn how to pray the rosary" and also makes a "Great First Communion Gift." So if your dad is a little kid or is having his First Communion maybe he would like this.
I guess this would be a pretty great present for your dad if he is really Catholic and also a big hockey fan. Or maybe not - is this product blasphemous or offensive? I can't really tell, since I'm not religious. Ask Earl.
This gift is also great for using the power of the Holy Spirit to battle the evil doll from Item #4.
Oh no, it's back! Help me, hockey Jesus!
The rosary! It does nothing!
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