BoC at the Movies: Den Brother

(Relive the fun of the first two "BoC at the Movies" posts here and here.)

Megalodon: It's been a long time since our last installment of BoC at the Movies. I'd apologize for the delay but honestly I feel like it's you people who should be apologizing to us.

RudyKelly: Yeah, we watch these movies for your enjoyment, and they are painful.

M: So very painful.

R: How did you find out about today's movie?

M: I went scrounging through Netflix, searching for "hockey." I found some gems.

R: Muscle Heatwave? Please tell me we're watching that!

M: Sorry, no - today's film is called Den Brother.

R: Oh no, a "spirited teen"? I hate those.

M: Yeah so this movie is about some asshole who gets kicked off the hockey team because he's a douche and his solution to prove he is responsible is to exploit his little sister's girl scout troop.

R: Don't forget the best part: he dresses up like a woman!

M: Yeah there's also that. And as you can see from the star rating I gave this movie, spoiler alert: it fucking sucks.

R: "Mark L. Taylor directs this piece-of-shit movie."

M: Let's get started.

M: The movie opens with a hockey game. Everyone loves our main character (I refuse to call him the "hero"), Alex. They make signs for him and everything. Everyone around him talks about him like Drew Remenda talks about Darryl Sutter.

R: Yeah but the whole time he's just skating around being a jerk. He's a selfish player, never passes, takes extra shifts...is this Alex OVECHKIN we're talking about here? Hahaha -

M: Shut up. Oddly, the only one who seems bothered by Alex's dickishness is his "best friend," who gives him crap for it after Alex tries to win the game all by himself.

R: Alex, seen here on the right, in mid-smug. You just lost the game, dickhead, quit being so pleased with yourself!

M: This movie is confusing. If we're supposed to see Alex as a flawed character that needs to work on his hubris, why have him succeed so much? Why have everyone like him, even when he fails?

R: There are many problems with this movie.

M: For example:

R: Look at his goddamn face. And his stupid stick too.

M: You know how some people have faces you just want to punch? This guy has a face I'd like to remove with a cheese grater.

R: He's wearing a hockey helmet while he rides his bike. What a tool.

M: Alex heads home from the game while demonstrating more of his sole character trait: being a jerk. This kid is annoying in so many ways (in the above photo he's about to run over some old lady's flowers) that after about ten minutes he's so irredeemable that the rest of the movie is pointless.

R: Oh cool, his dad is that actor from the show Working.

M: Alex continues being a spoiled whiny bitch. His dad is trying to raise two kids as a single father, since the mom is dead -

R: Hah! Sorry.

M: -and Alex just complains about having to watch his little sister and repeatedly asks his dad to buy him a car.

R: I want to kick this guy in the head.

M: Alex takes the remote from his little sister when she's trying to watch some cartoon bunny show. He says he wants to watch "extreme sports."

R: "Extreme sports" is what lazy writers always use to try to show that some guy is cool. Extreme sports are for losers who don't understand sports.

M: Next Alex's sister asks him to take her to her "Bumble Bee" meeting, which is like the Girl Scouts I guess. At first Alex refuses because he's a jerk and he says he has "100 cool things to do!" I wonder what those things might be?

R: Number 1: Watch extreme sports. Number 2: Don't pass the puck. Number 3: Wear a hockey helmet while riding a bike.

M: Alex eventually agrees and we're introduced to some more characters, the rest of the Bumble Bee Troop. None of them are really memorable except for this one:

M: Her name is Rachel and the movie implies she has severe psychological issues, and she's obsessed with death and stuff.

R: Seriously, something is wrong with that girl. Check her arms for cut marks.

M: The troop has a problem because their den mother is moving away or some shit, so now we finally get to the central plot of the film - the girls need Alex to manage their troop so it doesn't get split up and they can get to go to "Camporee." At first he refuses because, yet again, he's a horrible person.

R: Truly he is a selfless and noble hero!

M: Even when he finally agrees to do the right thing, this bitch never stops whining and making faces like this:

R: It was at this point of the movie that the patch of freckles this guy has on the left side of his neck really started bothering me.

M: The girls discuss what to do next, because Alex has no ideas. One girl suggests that they can "look at pictures of cute boys."

R: Yeah! Let's all do that!

M: But instead Alex takes a bunch of inexperienced young girls out to play ice hockey.

R: "Alright girls, listen up! Lesson 1: Never ever pass the puck!"

M: Then, finally, the true hero of the film appears!

R: Fuck yeah!

M: His name is Titus and he plays for a rival hockey team. He skates around and mocks Alex for a bit, which is perfectly justified because Alex sucks. Then Titus goes to leave and Alex skates over and tries to fight him.

R: Big mistake buddy. You don't mess with Titus.

M: Yeah. It happens off camera but apparently Titus beats the shit out of him.

R: Hooray!

M: The movie putters along for a while, introducing a love interest for Alex named "Matisse," who goes to his school and has some sort of affiliation with the Bumble Bees I guess.

M: Rudy then checked the actress's age on his phone to see if she was over 18 and I was creeped out.

R: It's okay, she's legal!

M: Anyways Alex does more douchey things: he insults his friend, he hits on Matisse in a manner that makes you pray for her to kick him in the balls, and he plasters advertisements all over his hockey jersey to make money.

R: He even puts one right over the logo! It's disgraceful.

M: This last action gets him suspended for the rest of the season by the referee, which inspires lots of spoiled complaining from this totally reprehensible character. 

R: Yeah and when the hell is he going to dress up like a woman? That's the whole reason I'm watching this movie!

M: Alex's dad is pissed at his son's shitty behavior and tells him that if he wants a car he'd better start acting responsibly and doing some chores.

R: I wonder what Alex does next. Does he whine?

M: You bet he whines! Then his little sister needs him to walk her to the city-wide Bumble Bee meeting (these kids have a lot of meetings) and he does some more whining.

R: I wonder what Titus is doing right now?

M: At the meeting we encounter the movie's villain:

M: A pointlessly cruel woman played by Kathy Griffin who is determined to show that Alex's sister's troop doesn't have a real den mother and should therefore be disbanded.

R: I don't know what this lady's problem is. I guess she just hates kids.

M: I still like her more than Alex though.

R: Oh yeah, for sure.

M: Mercilessly, the movie continues. Alex walks around being a total ass to the little girls, his coach, and Matisse.

R: Matisse is charming. She's way too cool for Alex.

M: Alex also doesn't do any of the chores his poor beleaguered widower father asked him to do.

R: Definitive proof that basketball is for douche-bags.

M: So it looks like Alex won't get a car because he's not going to actually do the chores, but then he comes up with the kind of solution that would only occur to a sociopath: he'll make the poor little girls do all the work for him!

R: What a fucking monster this guy is. His mom probably died of shame.

M: And Alex gets rewarded for his exercise in child slavery with a car from his dad!

R: Yeah but at least the car is a piece of junk.

M: Which inspires more whining.

R: *sigh*

M: I miss the hockey part of this movie.

R: And when the HELL is he going to wear women's clothes!?!

M: Unbelievably, the child labor scenes continue, with Alex making the girls redecorate his room, clean his hockey skates by hand in a VERY DANGEROUS manner, and repair his car.

M: Then the evil Kathy Griffin suddenly shows up!

R: Oh no, she'll find out that the girls don't have a real den mother, and she'll shut their troop down!

M: If only there was some way they could fool her into thinking they had a den mother...

R: Oh yeah, you know what time it is! Bring on the crossdressing!

M: Ew.

R: What the hell? That's supposed to be a disguise? This red-haired bitch met this guy just the other day, but now she doesn't recognize him because he has some jizz on his face? I never forget who a guy is just because he has some jizz on his face, BELIEVE ME.

M: It's pretty retarded. They just threw some pillows and sheets on his body and he's sort of changing his voice a little, but not really.

R: Fuck this movie.

M: Okay so the stupid evil lady totally believes the troop has a new den mother named "Mrs. Zamboni." More boring stuff happens, Alex doesn't dress like a woman or play hockey so who cares?

R: He does go on a date with that Matisse chick, and he talks about himself the whole time but she seems to like him for some fucking reason.

M: The girls have to sell cookies to raise money for Camporee, and they do so in creative ways, and it's all very hilarious (no it isn't, of course it isn't, I'm lying).

R: One good thing does happen though, and that is that Matisse dresses like this:

R: I have a bumble-boner.

M: Please, try to focus - we're racing to the end of the film here. Okay so there is no more crossdressing for a long time, Alex just does a totally-not-believable old woman voice from behind a dressing room door in the mall and Kathy Griffin continues to believe Mrs. Zamboni exists. Alex has still not really learned any sort of lesson at all and the movie doesn't have much time left. It turns out, though, that all the slave labor Alex had the girls do earlier in the movie doesn't actually count as "scout activities," even though the piece of shit forged them crappy fake patches and everything!

R: He's such a prince! ...Wait, why did he make fake badges instead of just giving them real ones?

M: Because he's retarded. So now, even with the fake den mother, all the girls get disqualified and can't to Camporee!

R: The girl who looks like a Fraggle Rock character gives him a REALLY disappointed look. It's awesome.

M: Yeah, if anyone who reads this has the technical skill to turn her disappointed look into a GIF animation we'd really appreciate it. It happens at the 55:45 mark of the film, which is on Netflix-Watch Instantly.

R: We don't know how to do anything.

M: Oh yeah and one of the snooty girls from another troop says "You guys call yourselves Bumble Bees? More like wanna-Bees!"

R: That was my favorite part of the movie aside from Titus beating up Alex. It was a real Bumble-burn.

M: So anyways Alex is a horrible person but manages to sort of fix things by throwing a last-minute camping cram session where he helps the girls get all their real badges at once, so now they can go to Camporee!

R: Hooray!

M: But then they realize they didn't raise enough money!

R: Oh no!

M: So they say they'll sell muffins at the big hockey game coming up (Alex's team has been totally winning without him and they're looking to win their way into the playoffs) to make the rest of the money!

R: Hooray! But wait, those are cupcakes...

M: Yeah, I know, but that's what happens. They say they'll make muffins, we see them cooking muffins, then they're selling cupcakes.

R: Weird.

M: I guess the editor lost interest or something.

R: Well you can't blame him. There has been hardly any crossdressing in this movie.

R: Gah!

M: That's...just ghastly.

R: This isn't what I wanted at all. Not...not like this.

M: You asked for this, Rudy! I blame you! Alex needs to actually show up at the game to prove to the evil lady that the den mother exists, so he does.

R: And then he plays hockey while wearing makeup.

M: Yeah since it's a really important game his coach says "If Alex were here, I'd end the suspension right now and put him in!" so Alex reveals himself and the coach lets him play.

R: Even though it was the ref who suspended him originally, not the coach.

M: Yeah.

R: And he's learned nothing about teamwork, and doesn't pass, but scores the game winner so everyone loves him.

M: And he looks like this:

R: This is all so horrible. Is it over yet?

M: Almost. Because Alex selfishly revealed himself as a man, he cannot be a den mother - so the troop will be disbanded and can't go to Camporee, for like the twelfth time.

R: Oh no, what will they do?

M: Don't worry, the day will be saved by:

M: This lady!

R: Who?

M: Some old lady who lives next door to Alex. She's a Bumble Bee from way back, and met with Alex to teach him the true meaning of Bumble Bee-hood, then she agrees to be the den mother for the troop.

R: What the fuck? Why didn't she do that in the first place?

M: I have no idea. It's a total grandma ex machina.

R: Just sum up the rest. I can't take any more of this shit.

M: Okay. The girls will finally get to go to Camporee, and Alex's team plays in the championship game against Titus's awesome team, the Norsemen.

R: Titus rules!

M: At the end of the game Alex gets knocked on his ass because he's a giant pussy, but he manages to pass the puck to his friend, who scores and they win.

R: Boooo!

M: And then Alex goes to the Camporee dressed like this:

R: Bumblebro.

M: And the courage he shows by wearing that outfit and going out in public impresses the referee (who is there because he's Kathy Griffin's husband) so he tells Alex he's awesome and he's going to help him get on a college team or something.

R: The end.

M: Boooo!

R: Booooooooo!

M: You know, this movie could actually have been fine, for what it was, if not for how immensely irritating Alex is.

R: The main character of this film is the antagonist, but the movie doesn't know it.

M: Also the message of this movie sort of seems to be "responsibility means getting other people to do your work for you."

R: A fine lesson for today's youth.

M: So how would you rank the movies we've watched so far, in terms of the quality of the hockey shown in the movie?

R: I guess The Love Guru had the best hockey, then this movie would be next. The hockey in Most Valuable Primate was pretty bad.

M: How about if you were ranking movies in terms of enjoyment?

R: MVP first because of the monkey, then this movie, then a film from the future that shows me getting brutally murdered with an axe, then The Love Guru.

M: Agreed. Are you ready to start the next movie?

R: Sure!

[muscle heatwave film cover was here until five years after this post went up when the owner sent a DMCA takedown request lol]